Centre for Professional Development Assertiveness Kathryn McFarlane

Objectives You will: Identify different types of behaviour (assertive, aggressive and passive). Identify your current predominant behaviour Explore strategies to develop a more assertive approach

Activity Watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaVdyOX3isY http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzBy6agXKoA http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ymm86c6DAF4 What may have led to this situation? How may it have been handled differently? How could it be prevented? First one – for a laugh Last one – from 3.02

What is Assertiveness? What it is not….. Getting your own way at the expense of others Manipulating Interrupting Putting others down Intimidating All examples of??? Indecisive, rambling Irrational Apologetic Always accommodating All examples of???

What is Assertiveness? Based on rights……. YOUR rights To consider your own needs To ask (not demand) To refuse To not understand To make a mistake To change your mind To choose not to assert yourself To be your own self

Assertiveness is..... … balancing personal responsibility and self-respect for others, and giving consideration to their rights and needs. It requires good communication, professionalism, confidence, self-awareness and self-management.

Passive – benefits and pitfalls Rewards/Benefits Short-term Feel kind & helpful Escaped guilt Reduced anxiety Avoided conflict Losses/Pitfalls Following initial relief Feel sorry Needs have not been met Regret not standing up Angry, frustrated Loss of confidence Stress, unhappiness

Aggressive – benefits and pitfalls Rewards/Benefits Short-term Results from others’ avoidance of conflict Power makes you feel good Losses/Pitfalls Long-term Generate conflict Break down good will Damage relationships People may stay away from you Feel isolated, ashamed, guilty Damage prospects

Assertive – rewards Feel good about yourself and raise confidence Others will know how they can treat you No more ‘I wish I’d said…’ Convey clear messages Reach compromise More chance of your needs being met Lessen aggressive behaviour (prevents build up of bad feeling) Assertion breeds assertion

Assertiveness and.... Employability? Making the most of student life? Impact on your studies?

Personal Awareness Write down which type of behaviour you think you display most often. Complete the Assertiveness Survey Reflect on the type of behaviour the questions indicate that you display most often. Does the behaviour match your initial idea of the behaviour you demonstrate most often? Why are there discrepancies? Is your predominant behaviour most desirable for you? I would imagine that there are some aspects that you may be unhappy with either the overall style or the point score in one or more areas. We will look at how to deal with this.

Assertive strategies Broken record Saying “No” Empathy Workable compromise Active listening Fogging Negative assertion Negative enquiry

Assertive statements Respect for self and other person / people Simple statement Not blaming – not “you made me feel…” but “I feel XXX when…” Invites the person to connect with you to resolve the issue Fact–based – not absolutes (“you always….”) 1. The statement should convey respect for yourself as well as respect for the person to whom you are speaking. 2.The statement should be simple: Example: "I want this to happen...." or "I don't want to do ......" If you add too many details, you lose impact. 3. The statement should not be blaming. Example: "You made me feel XXX," is not an effective assertive statement because it blames the other person. "When XXXX behavior happened, I felt upset," is effectively assertive because it describes problematic behavior paired with your own personal feelings and therefore does not point fingers. 4. An effective assertive statement invites the other person to connect with you to work on the issue. An assertive statement is not designed to push the other person away. 5. An effective assertive statement is fact-based. This by definition usually precludes the use of absolutes in an assertive statement such as "You always...." or "You never....“ Example: "You always leave your coffee cup on the desk for me to pick up," is both blaming and absolute. A fact-based statement is: "When you leave your coffee cup on the desk, I feel angry.“

Action Note one action point (or more) and make it happen! Friends, manager, subordinates, colleagues Most / least difficult Discuss outcomes of flip charts