1. How to Get Along with Difficult People
What I Learned in Kindergarten
DENR Lunch ‘n Learn
Facilitator: Sondra Wilson, Office of State Personnel
Oct. 22, 2009

2. Playing Nice with Others
All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten

3. Play Nice! Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten

4. More Play Nice Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw
and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

5. Today “people skills” are as important as technical skills when it comes to getting
ahead on the job. 

6. People who place nice at DENR
Think about…
People who place nice at DENR
How do they behave?
What makes them effective?

7. Source: http://www.uni-ulm.de/uni/intgruppen/memosys/poly01.gif

9. Perceptions…
There are at least two sides to every story. But when you're in the situation, it feels like the other person just doesn't understand

10. Let’s Watch
difficult people in action!

11. Characteristics
Predictably abrasive –Consistently perceived as difficult by most people, not just you
Does not own the problem - Keeps blame and responsibility outside of themselves – “not my fault – this is a messed-up place and you caused it!”
Robbers of you time and energy. They can literally make you sick. Affects your cardiovascular, digestive, muscles. 10% of the work population are difficult people but they take up – conservatively – % of a manager’s time.
Behavior is out of proportion to the problem –They surround themselves with drama.

12. Pitfalls Excusing their behavior
Ignoring their behavior (watch it escalate!)
Trying to change their personality. Work on changing their behavior, not their personality -- which may or may not be possible through long-term counseling.
Colluding and rewarding negative behavior

13. Asssertiveness is ... Standing up for one's rights by expressing one's
thoughts and feelings
directly, honestly, and appropriately
without denying the rights of others.
So, just as a quick review…
Let’s look at the elements one last time . . .

14. Asssertiveness is ... A communication that’s two-way
Both verbal and non-verbal
Breaking down your own and other’s defenses
Dealing with conflict
Describing specific behaviors
Not aggressive or threatening
Not backing down
Using open and honest statements

15. Asssertiveness is ... Knowing what you want Speaking up for yourself
Using Open body language
Not afraid to ask why
Not afraid to say no
Matching delivery with your message
Using "I" statements
Demonstrating good listening
Going for win/win solutions

16. NON-ASSERTIVE ASSERTIVE AGGRESSIVE Emotionally dishonest, indirect
CHARACTERISTICS
Emotionally dishonest, indirect
Appropriately emotionally honest, direct
Inappropriately emotionally honest, direct at others’ expense
YOUR
FEELINGS
Hurt, anxious, maybe angry later
Confident, self-respecting
Righteous, superior, maybe guilty later
OTHERS’ FEELING
about
SELF
Guilty or superior
Valued, respected
Hurt, humiliated
OTHERS’ FEELINGS
YOU
Irritations, pity
Generally respect
Angry, vengeful

17. Strategies Stand up ____________________ Do not ______________________
Don’t take it __________________
Make sure you’re ______________the right things
Remember to _____________, really __________.
With bullies, don’t ___________ but don’t __________ either.
With “yes” people (puppy dogs), make it _________ for them to say ________.
Remain _________________________.
Don’t get ____________________________.
Focus on the _______________, not the __________________.
Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People

18. The Power of…
Empathy

19. Practicing Empathy
First, acknowledge that how we see things is our perception, not necessarily reality.
Practice active listening to be sure our message is clear.

20. Lions – they like to roar

21. They like to crow in your ear

22. Beware of the Backstabber

23. The Insecure

24. Negative Nellie

25. I just want to be loved.
Negative Nellie
AWHHH, Difficult???

26. How About YOU?
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