Building peace starts with you

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Presentation transcript:

Building peace starts with you

Presenter Tim Nation Executive director Peace Learning Center

“The only thing controlled by you is what you say and what you do”

“For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism”

Cooperation vs. competition Are you trying to win the argument or to find a solution?

Cooperation vs. competition Do you look for opportunities to be offended?

Cooperation vs. competition You can win often – but at what costs? Always trying to win can be lonely.

Competition vs. cooperation Conflicts and disagreements are opportunities to teach and learn

Dialogue vs. debate Dialogue is collaborative two or more sides work together toward common understanding.

Dialogue vs. debate Debate is oppositional two sides oppose each other and attempt to prove each other wrong.

Dialogue vs. debate In dialogue, finding common ground is the goal. In debate, winning is the goal.

Dialogue vs. debate In dialogue, one listens to the other side(s) in order to understand, find meaning and find agreement.

Dialogue vs. debate In debate, one listens to the other side in order to find flaws and to counter its arguments.

“I take full responsibility for my feelings and actions, except for all the ones other people cause”

Effective, direct communication and reflective listening Relax Your face, your eyes, your tone and your position Take a peace breath Breathe in counting to seven – breathe out counting to seven, breathing deeply

Effective, direct communication and reflective listening Do not get caught in drama roles of victim, perpetrator and savior We can be vulnerable, persevere and reach out to people

Point of view, perspective Find out the other person’s point of view What happened? Why does it matter? How did it make you feel

Effective, direct communication and reflective listening Reflect back “what I heard you say is…” “did I get that right…?” Speak for yourself using “I” statements and feeling words

Point of view, perspective Know your own point of view What happened? Why does it matter? How did it make you feel? Empathize don’t “villianize”

Be clear Speak with clarity Don’t assume and check out assumptions (ask)

Be clear Be decisive. Include time frames. “Yes, I will…” “No, I won’t…” “I don’t know right now. I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”

Be clear No excuses The Three “A’s” Explain if you choose, usually not necessary. Stand responsible. The Three “A’s” Acknowledge Apologize Make Amends

Be clear Clarify Repeat what you heard using reflective listening Reach agreement and document, if necessary

Reframing your words Avoid the following words: Try and maybe I don’t know but… Always, never and only Just Must and should Be accurate and factual, not biased or persuasive

STEP Process Stay cool Tell one point of view (POV) Are you ready and willing to solve this problem peacefully? Tell one point of view (POV) What happened? Why does it matter? How do you feel? (Are you saying: you feel ___ when he/she ___ because ___)

STEP Process Explore the other point of view Problem solve Repeat questions above Problem solve What do you want now to solve this problem peacefully? What are you willing to do now to solve this problem peacefully?

Rephrase what you heard Are you saying… you feel (emotion) when (what happened) because (why you feel that way)?

Fouls Getting even Not listening Making threats Name calling Put-downs Interrupting Bossing Blaming Lying Teasing Hitting Whining Getting even Not listening Making threats Name calling Put-downs Making excuses

Respect Listening Asking politely Being accountable Expressing my needs Admitting mistakes Telling the truth Understanding Accepting Forgiving Stepping away Finding solutions Waiting patiently Paying attention Affirming

Conflict equation Foul + Foul = Conflict

Foul buster Foul + Question = Possibility of Peace A “foul buster” is a question in response to a foul.

Foul buster Its purpose is to open dialogue …to let the person know you care …to de-escalate a conflict

Foul buster Examples of questions: “What is the problem?” “Why do you say that?” “Is something wrong?”

Summary Making assumptions about other peoples’ intentions is a trap. When uncomfortable or confused, ask questions.

Summary Remember if you have an open conflict with another person, most of the time it is you thinking about it. Be willing to experience discomfort for standing up for what is important.

Summary Help build a community based on honesty, respect and caring. It only takes one person to steer a situation to or away from peace.

More information at www.PeaceLearningCenter.org

Questions? Tim Nation tnation@peacelearningcenter.org (Roy) Time for Questions… Please type your questions in the dash board…we will try to get to all the questions…but if we run out of time…don’t worry, we will answer them in an email.

Session evaluation Please… Fill out Tear out Turn in

Thank you!