Based on the book Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

  Grew up in N.Y.  Graduated from UST with a B.A. in education  Graduated from UHCL with a M.S. in Counseling  Counselor for 10 years  Licensed Professional Counselor  3 daughters all at Carpenter  Divorced parent  Runner About the Presenter: Kellie Hill

Definition of Boundaries: The ability to hear and say no appropriately.

 Overview  Why kids need boundaries  The Laws – Key Concepts  How to implement boundaries with kids

  We need to parent for the future not for the present.  Major goal of raising children is to help them develop character.  If boundaries are clear, children experience the following:  Defined sense of self; responsibility; ability to choose; understanding consequences; possibility of true love  Sophie says” Parents who don’t make their kids do anything end up taking care of their grandchildren.” Why Kids Need Boundaries

  Your child reacts to your parenting.  You need to interpret a child’s behavior in response to your own.  How would you label this child?  Impulsive; self-centered; immature  3 Avenues of Influence  Teaching – “We have a boundary in this house that screaming is NOT okay.”  Modeling – this happens 24/7; “boundaries are caught more than taught”; universal rules (no interrupting)  Helping Your Child to Internalize – “Do” boundaries; don’t just say them. Ex. Teaching financial responsibility Why Parents Need Boundaries

  Depending on the Child – The parent needs the childs closeness to meet their own needs and then the parent lets down the boundary to keep the child happy. Ex. “Can I sleep over at Sara’s house tonight?” Parent says, “No.” Child cries and says they hate parent and then the parent gives in.  Does anyone have any examples? Obstacles to Teaching Boundaries

  Overidentifying with the Child - You feel your child’s feelings and therefore are unable to delay your child’s gratification.  Ex. You and your significant other are going out and as your child meets the baby-sitter they begin to have a melt-down. You feel like your child will be scarred for life and change plans to stay home.  This usually has to do with your own feelings about your past experiences. For example, if you were left home alone often as a child, you may overcompensate in this area. Obstacles of Teaching Boundaries

  Thinking Love and Separateness – The belief that structuring and being separate from your child is the same as loss of love. The fear that disagreeing, confronting, or being different from your child means you are not connected.  Ex. The teacher calls to report that your child is fooling around in class and not completing work. You consider providing consequences, but worry that giving consequences may just make your child feel unloved causing him to turn towards more bad choices.  The TRUTH: Setting and keeping boundaries makes your child feel more secure and loved, not less. Obstacles of Teaching Boundaries

  Ignoring and Zapping – This commonly happens because we want to believe things will just work themselves out. However, problems not dealt with usually get worse over time.  Ex. In the grocery store a 5 year old loudly and repeatedly demands toys and candy. Mom thinks it’s best to just ignore the behavior. A friend of hers sees her and comments, “My, your daughter sure knows what to get what she wants.” When they get to the car, the mom begins to scream at her. The child was now horrified. Obstacles to Teaching Boundaries

  Being Worn Down – Kids have a funny way of knowing when we are weak. The goal is to hold on to your limit one more time than your children hold onto the demand. If you do this consistently, they’ll stop attempting to wear you down.  Has anyone ever experienced this? Obstacles of Teaching Boundaries

The following are guiding principles used to help apply boundaries to home and life with kids.

  What will happen if I do this?  Real, immediate, necessary consequences  Positive ex. If I work hard and study my words nightly, I will do well on my spelling test.  Negative ex. If I eat everything I want, I will gain weight or develop heart disease.  How to use this:  “You chose not to clean your room when I asked you to, so you chose to miss out on the movie. That’s sad that you have to miss that.” (Use Empathy)  AVOID: “Don’t come crying to me. If you had just cleaned your room like I told you, you wouldn’t be in this mess.” The Law of Sowing and Reaping