Relationship Behaviors Things that make or break our relationships!

Myth or Reality? 1. I can change him/her 2. All you need is love 3. Improving communication skills can improve relationships 4. You can’t depend on other people to make you happy 5. This relationship failed because I haven’t found the right person yet 6. I can’t live without him/her 7. It is normal to get so angry that you hit someone 8. You always have to work at a relationship, even if it is healthy one 9. Guys and Girls have the same relationship needs

Gender Differences? For #1 & 2, Write down your answers for BOTH genders! 1. What are 4 positives about being a male/female? 2. What are 4 negatives about being a male/female? 3. What characteristics do look for in a romantic partner? List “must haves” and “deal breakers” 4. What are some things you would like to know about the opposite gender? 4. What are some things you would like to know about the opposite gender? 5. What are some things you would like the opposite gender to know about you?

Differences between relationship wants of men and women  What women want…. Caring and understanding Caring and understanding Respect and devotion Respect and devotion Validation and reassurance Validation and reassurance  What men want… Trust and acceptance Trust and acceptance Appreciation and admiration Appreciation and admiration Approval and encouragement Approval and encouragement

Relationship Definitions  Relationship : Bond or connection between two or more people Bond or connection between two or more people  List some of your relationships in each category: 1. Family 2. Friends 3. Peers 4. Platonic relationships 5. Romantic relationship

What is Intimacy? 1. Emotional A spiritual or emotional connection with someone where you share goals, dreams, fears, hopes (sibling relationships, parent-child, friends)A spiritual or emotional connection with someone where you share goals, dreams, fears, hopes (sibling relationships, parent-child, friends) 2. Physical A physical connection, usually involving some sort of physical expression between two people (dating relationships, marriages, committed couples)‏A physical connection, usually involving some sort of physical expression between two people (dating relationships, marriages, committed couples)‏

How do we improve our relationships? 1. Practice Assertive Communication Skills 1. Focus on the problem, not the person! 2. Accept people for who they are Remember you can’t “change” anyone Remember you can’t “change” anyone If you can’t, move on If you can’t, move on 3. Set a good example Be the kind of person you’d want to be friends with! Be the kind of person you’d want to be friends with! 4. Be patient / Take a TIME OUT Just because things don’t always go well doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed Just because things don’t always go well doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed Take a TIME OUT if you start getting angry (Don’t make the other person “lose” so you can “win” Take a TIME OUT if you start getting angry (Don’t make the other person “lose” so you can “win” 5. Know when it’s time to move on Sometimes a relationship may never be healthy. Knowing when and how to end a relationship is important! Sometimes a relationship may never be healthy. Knowing when and how to end a relationship is important!

Positive Behaviors  Listening- this is key, it builds most of the rest  Trust, Respect & Honesty  Assertive communication including Fighting FAIRLY, no name calling, holding grudges, etc including Fighting FAIRLY, no name calling, holding grudges, etc  Genuine Positive comments  Caring behaviors  Acceptance & Understanding  Laughing & having fun together  Keeping care/friendship/romance “alive”  Share common values

Negative Behaviors  Jealousy  Insults/name calling  Getting angry/losing temper  Threatening (self or partner)  Possessiveness/ Controlling  Being overly dependant  Unrealistic expectations  Never pleased with anything you do (“You always are late, you never call me back” etc)  Asks you to do things they are expected to do (chores, homework, etc...)‏  Makes you feel bad about yourself more often than they make you feel good

RED FLAGS: Signs of an unhealthy relationship: 1. Frequent use of anger and guilt 2. Intimidation / Threats / Embarrassment 3. Minimize, Deny, Blame 4. Violence (emotional or physical) 5. Isolation 6. Drug and alcohol abuse 7. Sexual coercion/manipulation 8. “Gut feeling” of sadness, discomfort, danger, or feeling drained when or after you’re together

Teen Dating Violence Facts  1 in 11 teens reported being in a physically violent relationship last year  1 in 3 report verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse Look at Power & Control Wheel Look at Power & Control Wheel Causing Pain (video link) Causing Pain (video link) Causing Pain (video link) Causing Pain (video link)

Risk Factors for Teen Dating Violence  Poor communication skills  Inability to manage anger  Early age of first sexual experience  Friends and family members who experience dating violence  Drug and alcohol use  Acceptance of the use of dating violence  Low self esteem  Belief in traditional gender roles

What can we do to help?  Listen to the victim, let them know you care  NEVER blame the victim!  Say something while the behavior is happening, like “That is NOT ok!”  Ask the person being abused if they want help or have sought help  (HELP) – 24/7 hotline 

Ok or No Way Game?  Can you tell healthy from unhealthy behaviors in a relationship?

Love vs. Lust  “We” Centred  Trust & Honesty  Few “bad” fights  Responsible (birth control, STD prevention)‏  Private Intimacy  Accepts the other  Friendship grows continuously  Good Communication  Grows over time  “ Me” Centred  Jealousy/Suspicion  Lots of “bad” fights  Irresponsible  Public Intimacy  Tries to change the person  Sexually Based  Poor Communication  Fast relationship

What do I want in a Love relationship?  Convince me that you understand love vs. lust and healthy relationships. 1. What do you think romantic love feels like or looks like? 2. How do you think you will know it is “true love” vs. lust or infatuation? 3. What are all the characteristics you want in a long- term love relationship? Discuss “must haves” and “deal breakers” 4. What exactly is lust? How do characteristics of lust fit into your ideas about love? 5. Give examples (or non examples) from your life’s experiences

Excellent Student Work: What is Love?  Love is hard to explain. This is the hardest and simplest question I have ever been asked; but probably the most important!  Love is the strongest bond you can have with someone where you know the person so well, maybe even better than yourself. It’s when you care about their happiness more than your own. You give everything you have to that person and they give the same.  Trust, care, honesty, and getting through the good times and the bad is all Love. Love is not wanting to be with anyone else because you already know you found the one that makes you the most happy!  You bring out the best in each other and you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Love stays with you forever, it leaves a stain on your heart that you carry along with you long after.  Love is WORTH THE WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breaking Up in a Healthy Way  1. Make the decision to end it Think it through based on what is best for you overallThink it through based on what is best for you overall  2. Prepare for feelings of sadness/loss & Don’t let uncomfortable feelings over the breakup prevent you from doing what is right for youDon’t let uncomfortable feelings over the breakup prevent you from doing what is right for you  3. Choose a neutral location Meet up so both people arrive and leave separatelyMeet up so both people arrive and leave separately  4. Explain your reasons Let them know where you are coming fromLet them know where you are coming from  5. Make the end final don’t go back because you are lonely, guilty, etcdon’t go back because you are lonely, guilty, etc  6. Develop your other relationships

Ending Relationships: Why they end  Typical reasons: Changes in needs, goals, interests or values Changes in needs, goals, interests or values Differences in what people want out of the relationship Differences in what people want out of the relationship Unmet expectations or personality issues Unmet expectations or personality issues Differences in sexual desires Differences in sexual desires  TROUBLE SIGNS: One person stops listening or becomes emotionally absent One person stops listening or becomes emotionally absent Increases in unresolved conflicts Increases in unresolved conflicts Stop enjoying time together Stop enjoying time together Feeling the relationship is not worth saving Feeling the relationship is not worth saving ANY physical, sexual or emotional abuse ANY physical, sexual or emotional abuse

Case Study on Breakups  Chris is a serious student who hopes to get an academic scholarship at a top-ranked college and has been dating Jesse for almost a year.  Jesse is very interested in Chris and having a good time with friends. Jesse usually studies the night before an exam (if at all) and is happy with a C average in school. Jesse plans to get a job after high school.  Lately, Chris & Jesse have had a bunch of fights over school, grades and how they spend their time. Chris cares about Jesse and wants Jesse to go to college. Jesse wants Chris to just “relax” about school. After a long night of talking about the future and their goals, Chris realizes that the relationship with Jesse should end.

Case Study: Questions  What signs exist that show the relationship is in trouble?  Why does Chris want to end the relationship?  How should it be ended?  What should Jesse do after the relationship is over?

Did you realize???  Dr. Willard Harley discovered we tend to keep “track” of we are treated by others and have a “bank account” of sorts. For example, accounts go “up” when we are treated well and go “down” when we are treated poorly For example, accounts go “up” when we are treated well and go “down” when we are treated poorly  It takes 5-15 POSITIVE acts to counter the negative impact of just ONE harmful act or statement  See chart next page

Relationship Bank Transactions  Deposits: Humor Humor Appreciation Appreciation Encouragement’ Encouragement’ Honesty Honesty Generosity Generosity Acceptance Acceptance Trust Trust Understanding Understanding  Withdrawals Anger Criticism Selfishness Dishonesty Disrespect Judgment Resentment Betrayal  It’s much easier to maintain a healthy relationship than fix a broken one!

Key Points  It’s easier to maintain a healthy relationship than to fix a broken one.  Healthy relationships make you feel good!  It’s ok to end a negative relationship!  YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL in all relationships!