K-6 Counselors Amy Hodge Katie Reiter Leslie Payne Sarah McGrath Karen Hoover Jeni Van Houten HELPING YOUR CHILD BUILD SELF-ESTEEM

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO HAVE GOOD SELF- ESTEEM? Self-Esteem is defined as confidence in one’s own worth and abilities It’s more than just being happy… Signs of good self-esteem are Confidence Self-direction Non-blaming behavior An awareness of personal strengths and limitations An ability to accept mistakes from others and to learn from one’s own mistakes Optimism Feeling comfortable with a wide range of emotions

HOW DO WE, AS PARENTS, IMPACT OUR CHILD’S SELF-ESTEEM?

Research shows that a lot of us repeat many of the same patterns of parenting that we learned from our own parents. What messages did we hear as children at home that impact how we feel about ourselves today? You should be more like your brother. You are such a slob! You act like you have no sense at all! Can’t you do anything right? How many times do I have to tell you!?! I can’t believe anybody can be so stupid! HOW WE FEEL ABOUT OURSELVES IMPACTS OUR CHILDREN

Time to reflect: How do our actions affect our child’s self-worth? How would I rate my own self- esteem? How many positives do we use versus negatives when talking to our kids?

WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP IMPROVE OUR CHILD’S SELF-ESTEEM?

REALLY STOP AND LISTEN Kids have a lot that they want to tell us, we need to make sure that we are really listening Stop whatever activity you are doing Give your child good eye contact Stay with the topic your child is on Give appropriate feedback: I can tell you are really excited about that. That sounds really frustrating. What happened next?

ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO MAKE DECISIONS There are some decisions that a parent should always make, but there are some that kids can make on their own that helps build confidence. What to wear What to eat for lunch How much to eat for dinner What hairstyle to wear Bath before bed or in the morning How to organize their room

CATCH KIDS BEING GOOD When we do something right, we feel good about ourselves. Remind yourself, my kids do a lot more things right than they do wrong. Make a list of at least 10 things that your child consistently does right. Kids with low self esteem focus on their flaws, help them focus on their strengths. Use specific praise rather than judging: I think it’s great that you worked so hard vs. your project is perfect, I am proud of how nicely you helped your sister vs. you are sweet. What activities does your child excel at? Consider looking for a group or club that your child can participate in

CREATE A SPECIAL TIME Set aside special time for you and child Have your child help you cook dinner Do a craft together Play a board game Watch their favorite TV show with them Take a walk

RESPECT FEELINGS People with high self-esteem value and trust their own feelings, children need to learn to do the same. As parents we often find ourselves saying things like: That’s not something to be mad over, don’t worry about it, or you don’t hate your brother. Keep in mind that anger, frustration, and worry are human emotions that we all feel at one time or another. Dismissing those feelings can make kids think it wrong to feel them and doesn’t help kids learn ways to cope with those feelings when they do.

EMBRACE YOUR CHILD’S INDIVIDUALITY Kids, just like adults, have their own likes and dislikes, sensitivities, temperaments, levels of activity, and quirks. Many of these qualities are just part of who they are.

Remember that although today can seem very long, the time that we have with our children is actually very short. We need to show them that we are glad to have them. What memories do we want them to have of their childhood thirty years from now when they are all grown up? EMBRACE TODAY

RESOURCES How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & How to Listen So Kids Will Talk Faber and Malish Playful Parenting Cohen Successful Parenting Taylor Raise a Confident Child Pereira Building Your Child’s Self-Esteem: 9 Secrets Every Parent Needs to Know Brooks