2. Showing Up Accompanying SES; Strategies for Process Reflection and Guided Practice for Engaging Emotionally Charged Situations Like ACPE Certification Committees

4. What Happens? n Let’s look at the overt process of the coming meeting. n Describe it together from beginning to end. n Two eyes on the process is better. n Just use the facts, not emotional response … n What really happens? Use your context learnings: What, When, How, ???

6. From Your Point of View, What Happens? n Describe the facts, then the feelings n Write this down in a sentence. n Be flexible in this description n On your paper note at what points you might get a little nervous and lose your “center”.

7. Recall the Steps of Real Engagement with the SES –Show up! Make yourself present by Centering –BE Prepared, mentally, emotionally, physically. There is no substitute for preparation. –Get through the door and into the room –Stay curious in the conversation, thoughtfully, feelingly, (centered). –Know when (and how) to summarize and leave

8. Before You Go, Practice Getting Centered! n Work to be able to do this. Practice it now.. n Have others work with you to see that you are sitting up well and following through with it and not falling into a distracting or splitting old role. n Practice this and give each other feedback. n State the your GOAL for this meeting clearly.

9. Before You Go In--- Center! n Remember--- feel all the work you have done to prepare for this. n Remember--- feel that you are supported by a crowd of witnesses—You are accompanied. n Get in to yourself -your soul place—and your focused attention on the here and now. n Take your time with this n Now make eye contact with your context and other people and feel your energy of readiness.

11. Before You Go In--- Center! n If you are nervous, ask yourself if you are having a thought, a feeling, that is making you nervous n If yes, state it out loud,-- what is it? –A negative prediction? Mind read? n If so check out your reality…Can you really predict the future? Let yourself be free of constructed reality and go forward into the present live turbulence with n CURIOSITY!!

12. When You Go Through the Door… Sit, and Center!  Go Curious!! Look at the room. Where are the chairs? Who are these people? Make eye contact as soon as you can after centering.  Stay Curious.  Remember the purpose of the meeting  Remember you have come a long way to be here.. You have a place here.  Claim your place curiously. Turn on your researcher with the other members. Ask questions if you have them.

13. Keep Breathing,- and Center n Your eye contact is your first crossing of the relational boundary. n Look!. Be behind your eyes by being curious. n Look at everybody.. expectantly..Practice this. n Don’t get stuck on one person unless you are answering their direct question. n Now, relax behind your eyes and n CENTER again!

14. Talking It Out  Be prepared to briefly express your position ◦ State your position(s) in no more than three sentences… ◦ Then- be able to expound on the three sentences when asked. You can count on about a minute at best to keep people’s attention, then you risk losing your hearers ◦ Know how you have come to your conclusions. ◦ Simply stated– know your content- managing your emotions will make what you know more available to you. ◦ Beforehand, talk it out. Make what you know– your own.

15. Push, Wave, Row  You push people out into the relationship lake by themselves when you ask others to reveal themselves so you don’t have to share yourself. “Tell me more about that (you)?”  You wave (from the shore) when you say things like “I’m with you.” or “Yes, I see.”  You row when you actually get in their boat and find your agreements and then explore your differences in order to build a solid relationship.

16. Practice Joining  Breathe before you respond to any question and join on similarities if you are able.  Build. Find similarities first. Then seek to ask questions about differences.  If the issue is too different for your agreement- - build where you can– and then ask a broad or narrow question that will spark exploration of the facts rather than opinions.  Join. And you’re more likely to be joined.

17. Joining n Move in alongside those who are exploring with you. Get right into the conversation with a join, not a difference.. n Know “How to Row” with them by adding you own “little bit” to what they have said. This builds momentum and shows that you can be a part of the team. Build peership. n Avoid pushing or waving.

19. Practice Paraphrasing  When you feel confused. See if you can paraphrase what you heard– and check it out!  What is paraphrasing? Get clear about this and use it– particularly when things need clarity and definition..  Then you can ask a question to see if you understood the issue being raised. If you get a “yes, then breathe and think through your response and answer BRIEFLY.  CENTER OFTEN!

20. Summarizing  Know how to summarize. Practice the skill of tying up the threads of the conversation.  When there are several things going on, see if you can bring them together.  Then, check to see if you missed something.  Try again.  When you get an OK, you have a chance to bring the topic back on track and focused again on the goals of the meeting.  Practice this skill. You’ll help your whole conversation.

21. Leaving n Make consistent eye contact. Be behind your eyes. n Summarize or paraphrase your understanding of the process of the meeting. See if it fits. n Listen. Stay connected and curious. n Ask yourself and the other, “Are we at a stopping place for now?” OR state your position, “I sense we’ve finished our work. What do you think?”

22. Leaving n If agreement can be reached that the work is completed, keep eye contact, and be willing to transition away from the stated goal- context, and your current role in it. n When the conversation is over, let it be over. n Center yourself into the emerging next context.

24. Questions/ Discussion n Where might this approach be most helpful? n Where might it be hindering? n How might it be changed to meet certain other contexts?

25. Surprises, Learnings Satisfactions, Dissatisfactions, Discoveries? Please evaluate this session on the forms provided. We are learning, too! Thanks for your interest and attention. Fred L. Smoot focused on your deeper feeling self

26. Emory Clergy Care Productions Copyright @Fred L. Smoot, Ph.D. 2006.