1. Crucial Conversations
Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

2. What is a Crucial Conversation?
A Crucial Conversation is a discussion between two or more people where:
Stakes are high,
Opinions vary, and
Emotions run strong.

3. Some Examples Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively
Giving the boss feedback about his/her behavior
Critiquing a colleague’s work
Talking to a team member who is not keeping commitments
Giving an unfavorable performance review
Talking to a coworker about a personal hygiene problem

4. Three Options
When faced with a Crucial Conversation you can do one of three things:
Avoid it
Face it and handle it poorly
Face it and handle it well
See Page 2 of Handout and Self Reflect

5. Anytime you’re stuck, there’s a crucial conversation keeping you there…
Identify the crucial conversations that you are not holding
or not holding well, and get better at everything
p. 3
Marriage success, Diversity, Safety, Change management, Productivity, Influence, Issues with volunteers, Teenage child, Siblings, Friends, Dominating boss, Ineffective employee, etc.

6. Reasons We Handle Them Poorly
We are designed wrong
We are under pressure (with a barely functioning brain)
Caught off guard, we improvise
We act in self-defeating ways and make things worse!

7. This is your brain
During a normal conversation.

8. During a crucial conversation.
This is your brain
During a crucial conversation.
Adrenaline can do that to you.
I acted like an idiot.
“Maybe if I yell LOUDER they’ll agree this time.” How many times do you raise your voice to make a point?
Insane logic makes complete sense when your brain shuts down.
The worst option (silence). The good sugar coat, understate. The best get to dialogue.

9. Reasons to Learn to Handle Them Well
Improve your career
Improve your organization
Improve your relationships
Improve your personal health
Revitalize your community

10. Tool: Stay in Dialogue What it is: What it is not: pool of shared
The free flow of meaning between two or more people
What it is not:
Debate or argument, trying to “win”
Hints, sarcasm, innuendo, verbal attacks, accusations
Giving the silent treatment, running away
Playing games
pool of
shared
meaning
Argument Clinic

11. How does dialogue work?
Each of us enter conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand
This unique combination of thoughts and feelings makes up our personal pool of meaning
Typically we do not share the same pool of opinions.

12. Listening
In dialogue, whatever anyone has to say is to be listened to and allowed to stand just as it is.
There is no such thing as a “wrong idea”. But there may well be contradictory ideas, or just different ideas .
So our first priority is to listen to what is said by everyone.

13. What is Your Goal For the Dialogue
Is the goal of your dialogue to win?
Is the goal of your dialogue to make the other person feel small/bad?
Is the goal of your dialogue to get a point across?
Is the goal of your dialogue to reach a space for respect for opinion?
Is the goal of your dialogue to make it safe to dialogue?

14. Goals of Dialogue People openly and honestly:
express their opinions
Share their feelings
Articulate their theories.
Needed is the willfulness and capability to share views, even when ideas are controversial or unpopular.

15. How to Stay in Dialogue
“Start With the Heart” - begin with the right motives
Stay focused on your goal no matter what
If you fall out of dialogue ask:
What do I want for myself?
What do I want for others?
What do I want for the relationship?
How would I behave if I really wanted these things?

16. The Seven CC Principles
Start with Heart
Learn to Look
Make it Safe
Master My Stories
STATE My Path
Explore Others’ Paths
Move to Action
1. Start with Heart. The clearer you are on goals, the less you’re controlled by fears.
2. Learn to Look. What you see is what you get. Worst: see nothing. Good: see S/V. Best: See safety.
3. Make it Safe. Defensiveness is not a sign of too much candor, but too little safety. Worst: s/v. Good: water down content. Best: Step out.
4. Master my Stories. To take control of your emotions, take control of your stories. Worst: give in. Good: suppress. Best: influence.
5. STATE my Path. How to be persuasive without being abrasive or evasive. Work to say things in the most acceptable way possible.
6. Explore others’ Path. When you learn to do this you have a responsibility to increase the pool of shared meaning…
7. Move to Action. How you end a crucial conversation is as important as how you begin it. At the beginning you need safety, at the end closure. Tricky parts are beginning and end.

17. Principle 1: Start with Heart
Work on Me First, Us Second”

18. Start With Heart
Open yourself to change and don’t fall for bad choices. The bad choices are the ones that gets us off track of the conversation.
Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on.
Break free of these sucker’s choices by searching for the “and”
Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue
P. 7 of Handout

19. Refuse the Sucker’s Choice
As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Sucker’s Choice.
Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on.
Break free of these Sucker’s Choices by searching for the and.
Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.
What do we mean by Sucker’s Choice?
That you or someone else has been sucked into thinking the answer is deciding between
either/or,
yes/no,
one choice or another.
The choice really comes from choosing among many ideas.
In our case study, what are some of the Sucker’s Choices?
Example: I’m right; and you’re wrong.
We do it my way or it won’t work. P. 9 of Handout
Relate to situation at work, have them provide an exale.

20. Start With Heart
Good communicators are aware of their own natural tendencies-particularly when they are under stress.
How do you communicate when you are stressed?
How do you communicate when you feel threatened?

21. 2. Learn to Look
The Problem During crucial conversations, we either miss or misinterpret early warning signs of problems.
The Solution
Learn to look for when the conversation becomes crucial.
Learn to look for silence and violence—signs of deteriorating safety.
Step 2. See it as safety problem not personality disorder. CEO: gruff, defensive. Ken—saw it as safety. Others as ego.
If you can learn to frame S/V as “safety” you’ll never get hooked again.
EX: TOUGH feedback you’ve absorbed. Why? Mistake is we assume content is the problem. It’s the back wheels!
First step is seeing the warning signs (conditions not content)
Water it down or force it. Second – making it safer. Next skill.
When people turn to silence or violence, we assume the problem is the content. Can’t discuss this! Those who learn to look for safety can talk about anything.
P. 8 of the hanout

22. Learn to Look During normal conversations we use a third eye
Two eyes and ears attend to the content of the conversation (the what).
Another eye watches the conditions of the conversation (the how).
When the conversation becomes crucial, our third eye closes. We only see one thing—the issue.
Threatened. Adrenaline. Unnecessary organs starved. Higher brain functions shut down. Peripheral vision narrows. Prepare for fight or flight. No need for reason, abstraction, subtle awareness.
During Crucial Conversations, these are exactly what we need. When under stress, we panic, peripheral vision (third eye) shuts.

23. Learn to Look Learn to look at content and conditions
Look for when things become crucial
Learn to watch for safety problems
Look to see if others are moving toward silence or violence

24. Learn to Look Two Levels: Safety Self-awareness (Style under Stress)
Content
Conditions
Safety
Self-awareness (Style under Stress)

25. Learn to Look: Violence
Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool of dialogue.
The three most common forms are
controlling, labeling, and attacking.

26. Learn to Look : Silence
Silence consist of any act to purposefully withhold information from the pool of meaning. It’s almost always done as a means of avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of meaning.
The three most common forms of silence are: masking, avoiding, or withdrawing
P. 3 of Handout

27. Types of Silence and Violence
DIALOGUE
Masking
Avoiding
Withdrawing
Controlling
Labeling
Attacking
Withdrawing—Pulling out of communication completely; physical, emotional, psychological
Avoiding—staying away from unsafe topics or issues
Masking—understating, sugar coating, sarcasm, selectively showing
Controlling—coercing others through how we share our views—interrupting, overstating, absolutes
Labeling—trying to win or have others give in through ridiculing their ideas
Attacking—making sure others hurt; emotional, physical, psychological
Examine your style under stress. Look at the results of your Style Under Stress Test. What area do you need to work on to move to dialogue?
To move to dialogue you should:
Start with Heart – what is it you really want to get out of this dialogue – be specific about your goals.
Learn to look – is a member of the dialogue moving to silence or violence? If so, then step back out of the content and
Make It Safe for everyone. Tell the person you respect their opinion and want to hear what they have to say.
Master My Stories – take control of your emotions; take control of your stories.
State my Path: work to say things in the most acceptable way possible. Say exactly what it is you want from this dialogue.
Explore others paths – what is it they want? I learned a new term during some diversity training that I participated in a few ago. That new term is constructivist listening – no expression – just concentrate on what the person is saying. Listen with your whole heart, mind – do not think about what you will say next, do not judge the person.
Move to Action – decide what action needs to be taken and get it done.

28. Has the conversation turned crucial?
“Oh, this conversation just turned crucial, and I need to use my best skills and tools.”
Emotional signs:
Physical signs:
Behavioral signs:
Red Faced, Crying, veins stick out in the neck.
Physical signs – walk out of the room, cross their arms across their chest, turn sideways in the chair,
Behavioral Signs – shouting, threatening, loud voice or no voice.
P of Handout

29. When the conversation becomes crucial, slow down.
How do you reengage the brain—give it interesting questions. Make it itch.
What do I really want here?
What sucker’s choices might I be tempted to make?
How is safety?
Stop. Look. Listen.

30. 3. Make it Safe The Problem
With too little safety, nothing is discussable.
The Solution With enough safety, you can talk about anything…
Step out of the content of the conversation and build Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect.
Signs that Mutual Purpose is at risk – debate – accusations – hidden agendas – circling back to the same topic
Signs that Mutual Respect is at risk – interruptions – pouting – name-calling – looks of fear, pain, or hurt feelings – anger – raised voice – insults - threats

31. When Safety is at Risk Do others believe I respect them?
When mutual purpose and or respect are at risk, it is no longer “safe” and you are no longer in dialogue!
Do others believe I respect them?
Can You Respect People You Don’t Respect?
“Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I”. When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it’s easier to find a way to respect others.
P. 10 of handout

32. When Safety is at Risk Tools Apologize (when appropriate and sincere)
When mutual purpose and or respect are at risk, it is no longer “safe” and you are no longer in dialogue!
Tools
Apologize (when appropriate and sincere)
Contrast to fix misunderstandings
CRIB (commit, recognize, invent, brainstorm) to get to mutual purpose

33. Tool: Use Contrasting A don’t/do statement that: Is not apologizing
Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose
Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose
Is not apologizing
Provides context and proportion
Useful for prevention or first aid

34. Contrasting Role Plays
Given a scenario, respond with a contrasting statement that:
Addresses the other’s conclusion that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part)
Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part)
See p
p. 11

35. CRIB Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose
Recognize the Purpose behind the Strategy
Invent a Mutual Purpose
Brainstorm New Strategies
p. 12
Pass out Cards

36. How to get better at Crucial Conversations
You can’t do it alone.
It takes about an hour a week for about three months to make significant and sustainable progress.

37. 4. Master My Stories
The Problem You’re in silence or violence and you feel totally justified in staying there.
The Solution
Separate facts from stories.
Watch for three clever stories.
Tell the rest of the story.
Three clever stories:
Villian – its all your fault.
Victim – it’s my fault.
Helplessness – there is nothing else I can do to change the situation.
Notice, then tell the rest of the story.
What am I pretending not to know about my role?
Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do this?
What do I really want? What would I do if I really did?
Integration: 1. Heart and head right Look for and build conditions for you. 4. Influence conditions in me.

38. Tool: Master Your Stories
Offensive claim Others don’t make you mad – YOU make you mad!!
How? In between a persons action and our reaction, we tell ourselves a story
Stories:
Our interpretation of the facts
Help us answer why and how and what

39. How Feelings Drive Actions
Hurt
Worried
Silence
Cheap shots

40. We have only two choices with strong emotions:
Act on them.
Be acted on by them.
VIDEO: Set-up L, Silence L, Violence L
. Silence and violence are sucker’s choices.
Silence: Walk away, say nothing, resent him, quit, or in other ways become an accomplice with him in continuing behavior like that.
Violence: Aggressively confront him, file a grievance, or in other ways pay him back. In doing so we move from resenting him to resembling him. We violate safety and abandon dialogue without even having tried it.
Let’s look for a third alternative. Rather than succumbing to these emotions, let’s see if there’s a way of acting on them that could lead us to better results.

41. Path To Action SEE / HEAR TELL A STORY FEEL ACT
Coworker meets privately with the boss to discuss a joint project.
He does not trust me. He thinks I’m weak. If I say anything I will look emotional.
Hurt
Worried
Silence
Cheap shots

42. Retrace Your Path SEE / HEAR TELL A STORY FEEL ACT
What factual evidence do I have that supports this story?
What story is creating these emotions?
What emotions are making me react this way?
Have I fallen out of dialogue?

43. Clever Stories To Watch For
Victim Stories
Villain Stories
Helpless Stories

44. Tell the Whole Story Turn victims into actors
Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
Turn villains into humans
Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do what this person is doing?
Turn the helpless into the able
What do I really want for me? For others? For the relationship? What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

45. 5. STATE My Path The Problem
During crucial conversations we tend to say things in the most provocative way possible.
The Solution
Walk others down your Path to Action.
Encourage others to challenge your path.
Show how Start with Heart and Master My Stories are critical. What do I want? What sucker’s choice? 3 clever stories?
Then make it safe – how to build mutual purpose here? Someone help me.
Okay, now I need to share my meaning.
Path to Action is how I arrived at being offended. Tend to start at end and assume others will agree they are jerks.
Walk them down it. Five skills:
STATE

46. Tool: STATE Your Path
When you need to share controversial, touchy or unpopular views:
Share your facts
Tell your story
Ask for other’s paths
Talk Tentatively
Encourage Testing

47. Tool: STATE Your Path Share your facts first Non-controversial
Persuasive
Least insulting

48. Tool: STATE Your Path Tell your story
“Based on the facts, I am beginning to conclude…”
Be confident, but don’t pile on
Watch for safety problems

49. Tool: STATE Your Path Ask for other’s paths What are their facts?
What is their story?

50. Tool: STATE Your Path Talk Tentatively
I was wondering… Perhaps you were unaware… In my opinion…
Don’t be wimpy and do the message a disservice

51. Tool: STATE Your Path Encourage Testing
Encourage others to challenge you
Invite opposing views
“Does anyone see it differently?”
“What am I missing here?”
Play Devil’s Advocate
“What if I’m wrong here…?”

52. STATE Role Plays Share your facts Tell your story
Ask for other’s paths
Talk Tentatively
Encourage Testing
(what to do)
(how to do it)

53. 6. Explore Others’ Paths The Problem The Solution
Others aren’t engaging in dialogue, but instead are moving to silence or violence—and you’re about to join them.
The Solution
Make yourself curious… explore.
How to listen when others blow up or clam up.
Ask – feedback. None about reorg. Mirror (saying no but survey data conflicts so I worry it’s not safe.). Paraphrase (a few tweaks but it’s sixes—traded for new set of problems). Prime (This is my baby and I’ve been very defensive about criticizing it.)
GROUP ACTIVITY: Explore Others Paths

54. 7. Move to Action The Problem The Solution
When you move from filling the pool to commitment and action, the conversation once again turns crucial.
The Solution
Decide how to decide up front.
Summarize who does what, by when—and how you’ll follow up.
MAIN POINT: A great conversation can be ruined at the end because of violated expectations or failure to follow up.
Move to Action: Who, What, When, and How!
VIDEO: Good L
Good P
Story: Manipulative manager.

55. 1. Command 2. Consult 3. Vote 4. Consensus
Decide How to Decide
1. Command
2. Consult
3. Vote
4. Consensus
Involvement
Efficiency
Pointed out: Goal shouldn’t be all decisions are consensus, but all decision are effective!
Command; Consensus – All decide. Hybrid = voting. EU made progress by all agreeing to vote as long as any could force a consensus decision. Few used it. Just having it made it possible to progress through issues toward greater unity.
Consult – input from all, then command.

56. Document decisions and account for action.
Who
Does What
By When
Followup.
Big decisions, big commitments, no action. LHC = integrity. No one says. Crucial Conversation. Don’t have it = no accountability. How you handle it when people don’t keep commitments sends a message to EVERYONE and sets the culture.
LOSING FILES WHEN “Illegal operation—application will shut down.” or ZAP or “lockup” Pointer moves but no buttons click anymore. You panic, walk away and get coffee. Hope it will magically unfreeze. Then you begin to calculate how much you’ll need to redo. Nothing worse than the second time.
This doesn’t always have to be written—but be a little more formal than you think you should.
BEST TEAM: Stopped every 30 minutes. What are implications? Commitments? WWWF? Continue.
Then when you get back together, review the commitment and let people account for their action.
“He said” “she said” discussions.
Wonder if there was intentional misunderstanding, accidental, etc. Villain stories abound.
Shortcut with sixty seconds… WWWF.
30 Minutes – get with the partner you worked with early on in the program – talk about how you would work through your crucial conversation. Have your partner critique you. The switch. Practice!!!
Handout Cards with STATE and Web Site.

57. How to get better at Crucial Conversations
You can’t do it alone.
It takes about an hour a week for about three months to make significant and sustainable progress.

58. In Conclusion
When stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions run strong:
Stay in Dialogue
Make it Safe
Use Contrasting
Tell the Whole Story
STATE your path