2. 2 Understanding and Comforting

3. Discussion What characteristics do you look for in someone whom you will confide in? 3

4. 4 Empathy is the process of identifying with the feelings of others.

5. Approaches to Empathy Empathic Responsiveness – taking on an emotional parallel response of another, feeling “same” the emotion – sharing the emotion Perspective Taking – imagining yourself in place of another Sympathetic Responsiveness – feeling of concern, compassion or sorrow for another’s situation – “emotional concern” or sympathy – feeling a somewhat different, yet similar emotion 5

6. Empathy – identifying with or vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another 6 Empathic response – Empathic response – an emotional response parallel to another person’s actual or anticipated display of emotion

7. Sympathetic Responsiveness 7 Feeling concern, compassion, or sorrow for another because of the other’s situation or plight

8. Perspective Taking 8 Imaging oneself in the place of another

9. How do we Empathize? 1.Actively attend to what the person is saying. 2.Observe and understand both verbal and nonverbal messages, using paraphrases and perception checking to help you. 3.Draw on your experience to understand the situation. 9

10. Reading nonverbal effective empathetic responses Nonverbal primary emotions such as happiness, sadness, surprise, anger, and fear are recognized with greater than 90% accuracy. Other nonverbal embedded emotions such as contempt, disgust, interest, determination, and bewilderment are recognized with 80-90% accuracy. (Leathers, 1997, p. 41) 10 You can do quite well, if you concentrate!

11. Paraphrasing (perception check) Put your understanding of a message into words to clarify meaning.  Content – conveys understanding of the denotative meaning  Feeling – conveys your understanding of the speaker’s connotative meaning 11

12. Effective Support Messages Steps (research by Brant Burleson, Purdue University) Show your intention to help. Provide acceptance and positive regard. Express situation interest. Show empathy and understanding. Make yourself available. Be an ally. 12

13. Supporting messages – a statement whose goal is to show approval, bolster, encourage, soothe, console, or cheer up Recognize others’ good feelings and affirm their right to have them. Give comfort when a person has negative feelings. 13

14. 8 Effective Support Messages Steps (research by Brant Burleson, Purdue University) 1.Clearly state the aim is to help 2.Express acceptance for the other 3.Demonstrate care, and interest in the other’s situation 4.Indicate you are available to listen and support 5.State that the speaker is an ally 6.Acknowledge the other’s feelings and situation and express sincere sympathy 7.Assure the other that feelings are legitimate 8.Encourage the other to elaborate Research shows effective comforters have better long-term relationships. 14

15. Ineffective Support Messages Condemning and/or criticizing the other person’s feelings and behavior Imply that the other person’s feelings are not warranted Don’t tell the other how to feel Don’t focus attention on the yourself Never intrude by representing a level of concern greater than is appropriate within the relationship 15

16. Interpreting (Framing) 16 Information and Experiences Reframes information to help the other understand from a different perspective

17. Framing “My parents told me I couldn’t go to Mexico with my roommates over Break. They don’t trust me.” “I never had a curfew when I was in high school. My parents could care less what time I made it home.” “My parents are making me pay my own tuition. They’ve got plenty of money. They’re just too selfish.” 17

18. Framing “My boss wouldn’t let me take off yesterday. She just can’t stand the thought of someone having fun while she’s working.” “I’ve sent three e-mails to my math professor asking her for help. She hasn’t answered one of them. The jerk.” 18

19. Clarifying Supportive Intentions Directly state your intentions by emphasizing your desire to help Remind your partner of your commitment to the relationship Indicate that helping is your only motive Phrase your clarification in a way that reflects helpfulness. 19

20. Using Other-Centered Messages Ask questions that prompt the person to elaborate on what happened Emphasize your willingness to listen to an extended story Use vocalized encouragement and non-verbal behavior to communicate continued interest Affirm, legitimize, and encourage exploration of feelings expressed by partner Demonstrate the you understand but avoid changing the focus to you. 20

21. Giving Advice Definition - Advice giving messages present relevant suggestions that a person could use to satisfactorily resolve a situation. In general, advice messages should not be expressed until our supportive intentions are fully understood. 21

22. 22

23. Feedback Verbal and physical responses to people and/or their messagesSelf-disclosure Sharing biographical data, personal ideas and feelings that are unknown to the other person ▫Opening up the “Secret” Johari Window to another. 23

24. 24 Johari Window OpenBlind SecretUnknown Known to self Not known to self Known to others Not known to others W, p. 271; V / V, p. 76

25. Appropriate Self-disclosure Order Chronologically: Move self-disclosure to deeper levels gradually. Continue intimate self-disclosure only if it is reciprocated. Self-disclose the kind of information you want others to disclose to you Reserve intimate or very personal self-disclosure for ongoing relationships Self-disclose more intimate information only when you believe the disclosure represents an acceptable risk 25

26. Appropriate Self-disclosure 1.Self-disclose the kind of information you want others to disclose to you 2.Self-disclose more intimate information only when you believe the disclosure represents an acceptable risk 3.Continue intimate self-disclosure only if it is reciprocated. 4.Move self-disclosure to deeper levels gradually. 5.Reserve intimate or very personal self-disclosure for ongoing relationships 26

27. Levels of Self-Disclosure Informal cultures (Americans) disclose more about themselves. (Low-Power Distance Cultures) Formal cultures (Germans & Japanese) disclose less. (High-Power Distance Cultures) Across cultures, when relationships become more intimate, self-disclosure increases. The more partners disclose to each other, the more they are attracted to each other. Caution! ! ! Women disclose more than men. Both men & women disclose more intimate information to women. 27

28. 28 Reciprocal self-disclosure has the greatest positive effects.

29. Women tend to engage in “rapport talk” to share experiences and establish bonds. 29 Microsoft Photo

30. 30 Men tend to engage in “report talk” to share information, negotiate, and preserve independence. Microsoft Photo

31. Masking Feelings Masking Feelings  Concealing verbal or nonverbal cues that would enable others to understand how a person is feeling Displaying Feelings Displaying Feelings  Expressing feelings through facial reactions, body responses, or paralinguistic reactions 31

32. Describing Feelings Describing feelings is the skill of naming the emotions you are feeling without judging them Describing feelings increases the likelihood of having a positive interaction and decreases the chances of creating defensiveness BUT…many people don’t describe their feelings regularly. Why? 32

33. Withholding feelings Leads to physical problems – ulcers & heart disease. Leads to psychological problems – stress & depression. Is perceived as cold & not much fun. 33

34. Displaying feelings Positive displays, hugs, reinforce the point we care. Serves as an escape valve for very strong emotions. 34

35. Why Don’t We Describe Feelings? People believe that when they say “I feel” they are evaluating others. No active vocabulary for describing feelings – p.240 Afraid that describing feelings makes you vulnerable Afraid that if you describe your feelings you will be judged Afraid to harm relationship Some cultures encourage members to mask their feelings 35

36. Personal Feedback 36 Praise Highlights positive behaviors and accomplishments Constructive Criticism Identifies negative harmful behaviors

37. Giving Constructive Criticism Describe the behavior by accurately recounting precisely what was said or done, without labeling the behavior good or bad, right or wrong. Preface a negative statement with a positive one whenever possible. Be as specific as possible. When appropriate, suggest how the person can change the behavior. 37

38. Asking for Criticism Think of criticism as being in your best interest. Before you ask, make sure that you are ready for an honest response. If you take the initiative to ask for criticism, you will avoid surprises. 38

39. How to Get Good Feedback Specify the kind of criticism you are seeking. Don’t act negatively to the criticism. Paraphrase what you hear. Give reinforcement to those who take your requests for criticism as honest requests. Thank them! 39

40. 40 Describe how a person can know that trusting another person with confidential information is appropriate?

41. Disclosure & Feedback Skills Disclosure 1. Self-disclose the kind of information you want others to disclose to you 2. Self-disclose more intimate information only when you believe the disclosure represents an acceptable risk 3. Continue intimate self-disclosure only if it is reciprocated. 4. Move self-disclosure to deeper levels gradually. 5. Reserve intimate or very personal self-disclosure for ongoing relationships Feedback 1. Describe Your Feelings Identify what triggers your feelings Mentally name your emotion – be specific Verbally own the feeling 2. Own your Feelings – Use “I” 3. Give Effective Feedback Describe the Behavior – be specific Highlight Positive Behavior Identify Negative (harmful) Behavior thru Constructive Criticism Suggest How to Change the Behavior 41

42. “WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM A BLOND?” Exercise: 42

43. Mark and Maria Directions: View Mark and Maria’s dialogue. Do Mark and Maria equally self-disclose? What do you think of the feedback that Maria offers Mark? Did you find it constructive or harmful? In your opinion, is this a relationship that is on a fast track toward friendship? Explain. Is Maria the type of person you would choose as a friend? Explain. 43