1. Academic Administrators Leadership Series – Managing Conflict Chris Loschiavo, JD Assistant Dean of Students and Director of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution

2. Overview Background of presenterBackground of presenter The definition of “Conflict”The definition of “Conflict” Different styles of conflictDifferent styles of conflict Tools for conflict resolutionTools for conflict resolution Conflict Resolution options at UF and in the communityConflict Resolution options at UF and in the community

3. Background and experiences EducationEducation My jobMy job Certified mediatorCertified mediator Mediated student and greek life conflictsMediated student and greek life conflicts Refreshed mediation training at Donald D. Gehring Academy this summerRefreshed mediation training at Donald D. Gehring Academy this summer Expanding conflict resolution options at UFExpanding conflict resolution options at UF

4. Video Clip http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/conflict -resolution/116196/ http://www.nbc.com/The_Office/video/conflict -resolution/116196/

5. Activity Words that come to mind when you hear the word conflict.

6. Conflict is… Conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship of value.Conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship of value. Conflict can be resolved so that both parties feel they have “won” and without the need for someone to “lose.”Conflict can be resolved so that both parties feel they have “won” and without the need for someone to “lose.” Conflict signals a need for change/evolution in a relationship.Conflict signals a need for change/evolution in a relationship. Conflict can be a healthy and enriching experience, strengthening rather than weakening relationships.Conflict can be a healthy and enriching experience, strengthening rather than weakening relationships. Conflict can be positive and productive, providing opportunities for learning and mutual understanding.Conflict can be positive and productive, providing opportunities for learning and mutual understanding.

7. Reframing Negative Mindsets Conflict is … RewardingInevitableHealthy StimulatingOpportunityGrowth Positive ChangeCreativeWin/Win HelpfulEnrichingLearning ConstructiveUnifyingExciting CollaborativeVital Productive

8. Perceptions, Assumptions and Values Perceptions: the individual frames of reference in which we view the worldPerceptions: the individual frames of reference in which we view the world Assumptions: a guess or conclusion based on perceptionsAssumptions: a guess or conclusion based on perceptions Values: individual beliefs that we regard highlyValues: individual beliefs that we regard highly

9. Breaking Down Conflict Perceptions, assumptions and values are highly regarded individual beliefsPerceptions, assumptions and values are highly regarded individual beliefs They are also self imposed barriers to communication that can often inhibit resolution of conflictThey are also self imposed barriers to communication that can often inhibit resolution of conflict To resolve conflict effectively, it helps to consider how our perceptions, assumptions and values are expressed. The three primary components expressed in conflict are:To resolve conflict effectively, it helps to consider how our perceptions, assumptions and values are expressed. The three primary components expressed in conflict are: Positions, Interests and Needs

10. The PIN Model of Conflict P OSITIONS: What we state we want I NTERESTS: What we really want N EEDS: What we must have

11. The PIN Model Consider … Amy and Latrice share an off-campus apartment. Latrice is upset because Amy had a party without telling her and damaged Latrice’s sofa, staining the cushions with food and drinks. Latrice is demanding that Amy pay $600 for a new sofa and that she no longer use any of her belongings, including furniture.

12. Positions (Tip of the Iceberg) What we state we want “You and your friends have no respect for others.” “Quit using my stuff.” “Give me $600 by the end of next week.”

13. Interests (Just under waterline) What we really want “I want the cushions cleaned.” “I want you to be more careful when people are over.” “Let me know when you are having people over.” “Please show me some respect.”

14. Needs (Deep under surface) What we must have “I need to be able to trust my roommate.” “I need to feel respected.” “I need to not have to worry about my stuff when going away for a weekend.”

15. Anger Iceberg How is anger expressed in the world?How is anger expressed in the world? What might the underlying causes be for this expression of anger/violence?What might the underlying causes be for this expression of anger/violence? Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

16. The role of Unmet needs in driving conflict All Violence Is An Expression Of An Unmet NeedAll Violence Is An Expression Of An Unmet Need How Recognizing Interests/Needs Support Positive Outcomes (Empathy)How Recognizing Interests/Needs Support Positive Outcomes (Empathy) CHAMPPP Universal NeedsCHAMPPP Universal Needs Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

17. CHAMPPP CONNECTIONCONNECTION HONESTYHONESTY AUTOMOMYAUTOMOMY MEANINGMEANING PEACEPEACE PHYSICAL WELLBEINGPHYSICAL WELLBEING PLAYPLAY Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

18. CONNECTION ACCEPTANCELOVEACCEPTANCELOVE APPRECIATIONNURTURINGAPPRECIATIONNURTURING BELONGINGRESPECTBELONGINGRESPECT COMMUNICATIONSAFETYCOMMUNICATIONSAFETY CLOSENESSSTABILITYCLOSENESSSTABILITY CONSIDERATIONSUPPORTCONSIDERATIONSUPPORT EMPATHY UNDERSTOODEMPATHY UNDERSTOOD INCLUSIONTRUSTINCLUSIONTRUST Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

19. HONESTY AUTHENTICITYAUTHENTICITY INTEGRITYINTEGRITY PRESENCEPRESENCE Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

20. AUTONOMY CHOICECHOICE FREEDOMFREEDOM INDEPENDENCEINDEPENDENCE SPACESPACE SPONTANEITYSPONTANEITY Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

21. MEANING AWARENESSMOURNINGAWARENESSMOURNING CHALLENGEPURPOSECHALLENGEPURPOSE CLARITYSELF EXPRESSIONCLARITYSELF EXPRESSION CREATIVITYTO MATTERCREATIVITYTO MATTER DISCOVERYUNDERSTANDINGDISCOVERYUNDERSTANDING GROWTHGROWTH HOPEHOPE LEARNINGLEARNING Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

22. PEACE BEAUTYBEAUTY COMMUNIONCOMMUNION EASEEASE EQUALITYEQUALITY HARMONYHARMONY INSPIRATIONINSPIRATION ORDERORDER Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

23. PHYSICAL WELL-BEING AIR SAFETYAIR SAFETY FOODSHELTERFOODSHELTER WATERTOUCHWATERTOUCH MOVEMENTMOVEMENT RESTREST SEXUAL EXPRESSIONSEXUAL EXPRESSION Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

24. PLAY JOYJOY HUMORHUMOR Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

25. Conflict Styles AVOIDANCEAVOIDANCE ACCOMMODATIONACCOMMODATION COMPETITIONCOMPETITION COMPROMISECOMPROMISE COLLABORATIONCOLLABORATION Everyone has a default style

26. Avoidance Avoidance “Passive Aggressive” When to Practice: When issue or relationship is unimportant When issue or relationship is unimportant When there is no chance of a positive outcome When there is no chance of a positive outcome When risks of confrontation outweigh benefits of resolution When risks of confrontation outweigh benefits of resolution When other party has greater power When other party has greater power When one or more parties needs time to “cool down” When one or more parties needs time to “cool down” When it is appropriate to let others resolve conflict When it is appropriate to let others resolve conflict When you’re wrong When you’re wrong Strategies: Ignoring the conflict Ignoring the conflict Denial of the conflict Denial of the conflict Evasion of the conflict Evasion of the conflict Joking about the conflict Joking about the conflict

27. Avoidance Disadvantages: Decisions made by default/without inputDecisions made by default/without input Issues likely to remain unresolvedIssues likely to remain unresolved Loss of influence in a situation or relationshipLoss of influence in a situation or relationship Leads to self-doubt and loss of self-esteemLeads to self-doubt and loss of self-esteem May be unable to deal with conflicts in the futureMay be unable to deal with conflicts in the future Demonstrates a lack of caring/investment/credibilityDemonstrates a lack of caring/investment/credibility

28. Accommodation Accommodation “The ‘YES” Person” or “People Pleasers” Strategies: Giving in or giving upGiving in or giving up Denying one’s own needsDenying one’s own needs Placing harmony over issuesPlacing harmony over issues When to Practice: When one is wrong/other is right; wrong person acknowledges and can give in When one is wrong/other is right; wrong person acknowledges and can give in When there is a desire for harmony in the relationship When there is a desire for harmony in the relationship When relationship is more important than the dispute When relationship is more important than the dispute When losses can be minimized When losses can be minimized When party needs to “save face” When party needs to “save face” When one wants leverage for future conflict When one wants leverage for future conflict

29. Accommodation Disadvantages: Requires party to give something upRequires party to give something up Issues likely to remain unresolvedIssues likely to remain unresolved Does not generate creative solutionsDoes not generate creative solutions Can cause frustration and/or resentment when someone accommodates and places harmony over resolutionCan cause frustration and/or resentment when someone accommodates and places harmony over resolution Creates a loss of influence in situation/relationshipCreates a loss of influence in situation/relationship Can damage relationshipsCan damage relationships Can foster competition over “niceness”Can foster competition over “niceness” Loss of credibilityLoss of credibility

30. Competition Type “A” Personality Strategies: Hostile remarks or jokesHostile remarks or jokes Threats and/or coercionThreats and/or coercion Denial of own responsibilityDenial of own responsibility Verbal argumentsVerbal arguments Physical altercationsPhysical altercations Covert actionsCovert actions When to Practice: When immediate and decisive action is necessary When immediate and decisive action is necessary When the style will be rewarded When the style will be rewarded When there is no relationship of value When there is no relationship of value When the issue is more important than the relationship When the issue is more important than the relationship Where a party needs to prove commitment/strength Where a party needs to prove commitment/strength When total victory is desired When total victory is desired When competing can bring parties together/make both better When competing can bring parties together/make both better

31. Competition Disadvantages: Strains/damages relationshipsStrains/damages relationships Requires that one/both/all be “losers” in conflictRequires that one/both/all be “losers” in conflict Conflict may escalateConflict may escalate Less likely to use constructive approaches laterLess likely to use constructive approaches later May encourage covert actionsMay encourage covert actions Can lead to stalematesCan lead to stalemates Creates resentment and/or desire for revengeCreates resentment and/or desire for revenge

32. Compromise Strategies: Both parties give and take to find a “middle ground”Both parties give and take to find a “middle ground” Offer a short-term resolution for “peace-keeping”Offer a short-term resolution for “peace-keeping” Appeals to fair play/fairnessAppeals to fair play/fairness Each person “gives” a little; so each person “looses” a little, tooEach person “gives” a little; so each person “looses” a little, too When to Practice: When a temporary solution is needed When a temporary solution is needed When parties are of equal power When parties are of equal power When parties wish to save time and energy When parties wish to save time and energy When doing so “seems fair” to all parties When doing so “seems fair” to all parties

33. Compromise Disadvantages: Often leaves underlying issues unresolvedOften leaves underlying issues unresolved Issue may become a recurring problemIssue may become a recurring problem Parties required to give something upParties required to give something up One/both/all parties may not be completely satisfiedOne/both/all parties may not be completely satisfied Becomes an easy way out of creative conflict resolutionBecomes an easy way out of creative conflict resolution Leads to “position padding”Leads to “position padding” Not getting beneath the water of the PIN iceberg!

34. Collaboration Strategies: Open and honest dialogue that is positive and constructiveOpen and honest dialogue that is positive and constructive Willingness to listen to another viewWillingness to listen to another view Emotions dealt with properlyEmotions dealt with properly Seeking input from other partySeeking input from other party Willingness to accept responsibility for actionsWillingness to accept responsibility for actions Giving ground without “giving in” (reason v. compromise)Giving ground without “giving in” (reason v. compromise) Instead of both “giving in” a little, you come up with a different solutionInstead of both “giving in” a little, you come up with a different solution When to Practice: When the relationship is important When the relationship is important When a mutually satisfying outcome is sought When a mutually satisfying outcome is sought When both views/sides are too important to compromise When both views/sides are too important to compromise When underlying issues need to be addressed When underlying issues need to be addressed When one wants to avoid destructive means for handling conflict When one wants to avoid destructive means for handling conflict When new and creative solutions are desired When new and creative solutions are desired

35. Collaboration Disadvantages: Takes more time and energyTakes more time and energy Requires both parties to be committed to the processRequires both parties to be committed to the process Makes a party appear unreasonable if he/she later decides against collaborationMakes a party appear unreasonable if he/she later decides against collaboration A collaborative party may appear weak to an aggressive partyA collaborative party may appear weak to an aggressive party

36. Why are conflicts difficult to resolve? Positions instead of interests are the center of discussionPositions instead of interests are the center of discussion Society teaches us to avoid itSociety teaches us to avoid it Poor communication skillsPoor communication skills Poor listening skillsPoor listening skills Focused on winningFocused on winning Use of power strategies to resolve conflict instead of negotiation and mediationUse of power strategies to resolve conflict instead of negotiation and mediation

37. How do conflicts escalate? From Specific behaviorSpecific behavior PromisesPromises Maximizing own gainMaximizing own gain One or two issuesOne or two issues To Personality attacks Threats Make other side suffer Multiple issues

38. Conflict Resolution Tools for YOU

39. Engaging in Healthy Dialogue Active & Reflective ListeningActive & Reflective Listening Being AttentiveBeing Attentive Summarizing & RestatingSummarizing & Restating ReframingReframing You / I StatementsYou / I Statements

40. Listening Active Listening Paying Attention Paying Attention Listen with an open mind Listen with an open mind Reflective Listening Demonstrate Empathy Demonstrate Empathy Signals understanding Signals understanding Non-verbals: nodding, eye contact Non-verbals: nodding, eye contact Verbals: rephrasing and reframing Verbals: rephrasing and reframing

41. Attending BODY POSTUREBODY POSTURE EYE CONTACTEYE CONTACT NONVERBAL BEHAVIORSNONVERBAL BEHAVIORS PAYING ATTENTIONPAYING ATTENTION AVOID NERVOUS BEHAVIORSAVOID NERVOUS BEHAVIORS

42. Summarizing/Restating Ability to reflect information back to someone in your own words.Ability to reflect information back to someone in your own words. Confirms to the speaker that you were listening to themConfirms to the speaker that you were listening to themRestating Question Prefaces: So you are saying that…So you are saying that… In other words…In other words… It sounds like you...It sounds like you... I’ve heard you say that…I’ve heard you say that…

43. Summarizing/Restating Example: Student #1: I am teaching six classes this semester and I don’t have a lot of time. Student #2:You are saying that you are very busy because of your heavy course load.

44. Reframing To reinterpret a statement or comment into a problem-solving frame.To reinterpret a statement or comment into a problem-solving frame. Restate what is saidRestate what is said Remove negative languageRemove negative language Reframe the discussion from positions to interestsReframe the discussion from positions to interests Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

45. Reframing Using reframing to deescalate: Faculty #1: You’re a liar. You said you would give me the opportunity to run this clinical experience.Faculty #1: You’re a liar. You said you would give me the opportunity to run this clinical experience. Department Chair #2 :It sounds like you are angry because you felt you were promised the opportunity to teach this clinical experienceDepartment Chair #2 :It sounds like you are angry because you felt you were promised the opportunity to teach this clinical experience Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

46. Reframe this statement How would you reframe this to state an interest? “He’s a liar. Every time he promises to do something he has broken that promise. I can’t trust him.”“He’s a liar. Every time he promises to do something he has broken that promise. I can’t trust him.”

47. Reframe this statement How would you reframe this to state an interest? “John is a jerk. He always disagrees with me. Every time I make a suggestion he criticizes it.”“John is a jerk. He always disagrees with me. Every time I make a suggestion he criticizes it.”

48. Practice Active Listening and Reframing (content and feelings) Active listening activity Get with a partner. For 1 minute, one of you describe a conflict that is going on in your department. The second person, should display poor active listening skills (interrupt and offer suggestions, don’t pay attention). Then we will switch. Get with a partner. For 1 minute, one of you describe a conflict that is going on in your department. The second person, should display poor active listening skills (interrupt and offer suggestions, don’t pay attention). Then we will switch. For 1 minute, the next person will describe a conflict in their department. The second person should be listening and should engage in active listening and reframing. For 1 minute, the next person will describe a conflict in their department. The second person should be listening and should engage in active listening and reframing.

49. “I” vs “You” Statements Use "I" statements when describing the problem to avoid criticizing or placing blame.Use "I" statements when describing the problem to avoid criticizing or placing blame. For instance, say “I feel angry when you interrupt what I am saying in our departmental staff meeting," instead of, “You are disrespectful of me!"For instance, say “I feel angry when you interrupt what I am saying in our departmental staff meeting," instead of, “You are disrespectful of me!" To do otherwise will likely upset the other person and escalate tensions.To do otherwise will likely upset the other person and escalate tensions.

50. “I” vs “You” Statements “You” statements tend to attack and/or place blame “You never show any concern for my feelings!”“You never show any concern for my feelings!” “I” statements tend to have the speaker assume responsibility for her or his feelings. “I feel angry when you talk with Sally instead of listening to what I have to say in our staff meetings.”“I feel angry when you talk with Sally instead of listening to what I have to say in our staff meetings.”

51. “I” vs “You” Statements How could you re-word this? “You really tick me off when you dominate conversations.”“You really tick me off when you dominate conversations.”

52. Poisons in Communication Some words and phrases are more likely to be perceived as rude, abrasive, or insulting, and make it easier for the listener to act in a defensive or retaliatory manner. These are considered poisons in communication and offer a good opportunity for reframing or questioning.

53. Poisons in Communication Commands You should…You should… You shouldn’t…You shouldn’t… You will…You will… You can’t…You can’t… You must…You must… Comparisons You’re just like… You’re just like… You’re nothing like… You’re nothing like… She would never… She would never… If I were you I’d … If I were you I’d …

54. Poisons in Communication Exaggerations AlwaysAlways NeverNever ConstantlyConstantly EverybodyEverybody NobodyNobody Six times = twoSix times = two Weeks = daysWeeks = days Other Poisons Shaming Shaming Ignoring Ignoring Name-calling Name-calling Threatening Threatening Blaming Blaming Contempt Contempt Anger Anger

55. Anger Anger is: A physical or psychological defense against somethingA physical or psychological defense against something A response to not getting what we wantA response to not getting what we want A response to our belief that we are being violated in some wayA response to our belief that we are being violated in some way

56. Managing Anger Check your own emotions and don’t get angryCheck your own emotions and don’t get angry Acknowledge the anger (Validate)Acknowledge the anger (Validate) Restate / ReframeRestate / Reframe QuestionsQuestions Take a BreakTake a Break Move on to something elseMove on to something else

57. Empathy An unwavering presence that enables a deep and meaningful connection with another person. Reflecting another’s feelings, interests and needs without any judgment or evaluation. Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

58. The ladder of inference See handoutsSee handouts Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

59. What power dynamics are present in your department? Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

60. Some dynamics to think about Department Chair and facultyDepartment Chair and faculty Tenured faculty and non-tenuredTenured faculty and non-tenured AdjunctsAdjuncts Faculty and staffFaculty and staff Faculty and studentsFaculty and students others/?others/? Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

61. Scenario You are the Department Chair and there is a conflict in your department regarding services provided by your administrative support staff. Some of your faculty feel as though one of their colleagues is monopolizing her time and they have come to you. They are angry because they feel as though they don’t have the same support as this other faculty member. What would you do?You are the Department Chair and there is a conflict in your department regarding services provided by your administrative support staff. Some of your faculty feel as though one of their colleagues is monopolizing her time and they have come to you. They are angry because they feel as though they don’t have the same support as this other faculty member. What would you do? Taken from "The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects." Schirch and Campt

62. UF Conflict Resolution Options What we currently offer and how it is accessedWhat we currently offer and how it is accessed Mediation demonstration (video) http://www.dso.ufl.edu/sccr/video/mediation.mpgMediation demonstration (video) http://www.dso.ufl.edu/sccr/video/mediation.mpg http://www.dso.ufl.edu/sccr/video/mediation.mpg Where we are headedWhere we are headed

63. Questions?