1. CharacterCharacter REVIEW AND INTRODUCTION Character is made sound, healthy, and whole by the Holy Spirit, giving one the capacity to be transparent, vulnerable, truthful, unselfish, self-controlled, and loving. EXAMPLE: One has the courage to tell the truth and stand for their values and convictions even when it may prove costly. The ability to maintain composure when being treated with contempt.

2. Galatians 5:22-23 (ESV) 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

3. Acceptance CharacterCharacter Acceptance – the ability to receive or accommodate others, giving full consideration to their differences and their flaws. Acceptance is being able to extend favor without endorsing poor choices, keeping the heart open while still addressing unacceptable behavior.

4. EXAMPLE: An individual ’ s ability to provide may be just enough to get by, but their spouse recognizes that they are faithful, loving and hard working. “ I am willing to end our separation and live together again as husband and wife if you will give up drinking and we both go to counseling. ”

5. CharacterCharacter AcceptanceHumility Humility - having a proper view of oneself in relation to others, including God, so as not to be threatened by others, causing one to be fearful or overbearing. Neither thinking too little of oneself (causing them to be overly timid and fearful and feeling threatened by others) nor thinking too greatly of oneself (causing them to be prideful and overbearing feeling superior to others).

6. EXAMPLE: The ability to receive loving, constructive criticism from one’s spouse without becoming defensive or resentful. The ability to set one’s personal concerns aside to consider their spouse’s needs before their own, such as changing your plans and staying home because your wife needs time together.

7. CharacterCharacter Acceptance Humility Respect - goes beyond acceptance and accommodation to attributing value to someone else ’ s personhood, perspective, performance and/or preferences. Respect

8. EXAMPLE: The ability of each spouse to recognize the other’s giftedness. i.e: The wife may handle the budget and the bank while the husband handles an extended family conflict.

9. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (ESV) 4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends…………….

10. I. The Climate of Communication is Essential This seminar began with a discussion of character because the quality of communication and the ability to have a constructive exchange of ideas and feelings depends primarily on character. o Sound character (good) – confident, truthful, healthy motives and attitudes toward others.

11. o Compromised character (bad) – shaped by denial, selfishness, ends justifies the means, and one’s goal is personal gain. o Fragile character – desires to connect and trust, but fears being hurt or taken advantage of, resulting in responses that sabotage communication and team work. Our ability to demonstrate genuine acceptance, sincere respect, and appropriate humility determines our capacity for a productive relationship..

12. II.Why Does Communication Break Down? Natural Barriers o Vastly different family backgrounds (express love, expectations, approval, and handle conflict). o Differences in gender. o Differences in personality and temperament (Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever, Beaver)

13. A spouse with a wounded spirit that is afraid to let anyone get too close. Poor modeling by family during the developmental years.

14. Past trauma and abuse – that hinders one ’ s ability to love or accept themselves or bond with and trust others. When one feels threatened, hurt, or disrespected, they go into “fight or flight” mode.

15. Past hurt and betrayal or significant disappointments that are unresolved and lie just beneath the surface of the unsteady truce in the relationship. o These disappointments may be factual or perceived, and they may be reasonable or unrealistic.

16. Selfishness, self-protection, defensiveness resulting in an inability to drop one’s guard or equally consider another perspective or needs above or before their own. Distorted filter – one’s interpretation of other’s motives and messages pass through a distorted filter of painful experiences, fear and trust causing one to place their own interpretation on what is being said or done often reflecting more of the past than the present.

17. Unequally yoked spiritually or in basic values about worship, drugs and drinking, sex, money, entertainment, child rearing and discipline, extended family. Passive-aggressive withholds true feelings while never following through or acknowledging what they disapprove..

18. Galatians 5:15 (ESV) 15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another..

19. Galatians 5:15 (ESV) 15 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another. Sabotaging Habits and Behaviors o Denial – Inability to accept the reality and responsibility of one’s choices, behaviors or flaws o Blaming – always someone else’s fault for one’s behavior o Selfishness portrayed as noble behavior o Intimidation with tone of voice or body language o Sarcasm.

20. o Implying the other person is inferior or stupid o Calling someone crazy or ridiculous o Name calling, insults o Raging, escalating o Damaging property o Physical aggression (actual or implied) o “ Mind reading ” o Manipulation by imposing desired meaning to events that suit one ’ s purpose o Talking, yelling over one another, interrupting

21. o Compulsive lying o Withholding information o Use of extremes, absolutes, such as: ‘ always ’ or ‘ never ’. o Escalating the fight, then becoming the victim o Being a martyr o Turning a legitimate concern back on the other person so it is always their fault

22. o Never being wrong, never accepting responsibility, never acknowledging the truth o Exaggerating the facts to make your point o If caught misrepresenting the facts or proven to have a flawed position, shift to a new topic or open up an additional argument. o Pouting, ignoring, punishing with extended periods of silence

23. III. Heart to Heart Communication Reference: Luke 22:66-70; Luke 23:8-11; John 19:10-11 (ESV) I Peter 2:20-23 (ESV) …..But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. …because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. 23 When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.

24. Philippians 2:3-5 (ESV) 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, Paraphrase: Do not act from selfish motives. You must be sure to consider other’s interests along with your own and learn to think and respond like Jesus did. He will help you!

25. Climate of Trust “I believe they have my (our) best interest at heart.” Climate of Safety “They would never intentionally mislead me or purposefully try to hurt me.” Climate of Acceptance, Respect, and Humility “God put them in my life because I (we) can benefit from their perspective and talents.”

26. We are committed to protecting our relationship above our personal interests. We will take personal responsibility to avoid any behavior or habit that sabotages honest, sincere, heart to heart communication.

27. We will accept and respect each other’s biblical role in the relationship of leadership and support, but do so in a way that maximizes each other’s gifts. EXAMPLE: If a situation requires organization and structure as the leader, I delegate the lead to my wife and I become the support. If the situation requires standing up to harsh criticism and giving an appropriate response, then I will assume the lead and handle it.

28. We must both be willing to limit personal preferences and freedoms at times, in order to make sure my spouse feels secure in our relationship. If the demands seem extreme and smothering, we will seek mutually agreed upon outside counsel. We will seek to monitor and manage our motives, our feelings, and our reactions while taking responsibility to seek the Holy Spirit’s assistance to behave in a constructive manner. (Eph. 5:16-18; Jam. 1:19-20) We must root out selfishness, pride, and denial.

29. Our goal is to make sure our words, our tone of voice, our inflections, our volume, our intensity, our posture and our body language promotes safety, sincerity, openness, understanding, respect and genuine concern. We will prioritize time to be together, talk and share on a consistent basis. We will set aside team time, date time and problem solving time. During team time or date time we do not “talk shop” or tackle controversial topics or issues. (i.e., team time – running errands together; date time – walk on the beach at sunset; problem solving is just that – problem solving).

30. We will be wise and strategic in our communication, trying to avoid conflict when we are hungry, angry or tired. We will try to reach a mutually agreed upon balance between one’s need for immediate resolve and the other’s need to think about things. We will commit to developing the patience, self-control and skills required for servant listening. This means we will seek to understand before we seek to be understood.

31. HOMEWORK: First, get alone with God and prayerfully go back over your notes. Put a check mark by points in the communication breakdown section that apply to you, and ask God to forgive you and help you stop those behaviors. Ask God to help you find healing in the pain pockets that encourage those behaviors. Second, rate yourself on the points in the “ Heart to Heart ” section using the terms: strong, weak, needs improvement. Finally, if the Lord leads, speak with your spouse about one or two insights from tonight ’ s lesson.

32. Isaiah 55:8 (ESV) For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. Luke 22:24-27 (ESV) …..26 But not so with you. Rather, let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves. But I am among you as the one who serves. IV. The Basic Principles of Servant Listening

33. James 3:17 (ESV) But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

34. The two parties will agree to take turns listening, clarifying, and sharing without interrupting, correcting, or challenging. 1.Out of courtesy as servant leader, I recommend the husband allow his wife to share first. 2.The listener gives the one sharing their undivided attention so they can listen and repeat back what they heard and understood to be important information and concerns of the one sharing.

35. WARNING: Most of us half listen while we glean only the information we need to win the debate and fire back a response. This is selfish listening, not servant listening.

36. NOTE: As the listener, you are not to interrupt, correct, or challenge. You are setting your concerns aside and seeking only to understand the concerns of the one sharing.

37. TIP: Information you are listening for: 1. What are they cautious about? 2. What do they need? 3. What are they afraid of? 4. How were they offended? 5. Where did we misunderstand each other? 6. Where did we make assumptions? 7. How could I have handled this better from their perspective?

38. 3. When the one sharing is done, the listener repeats back what they heard (the information), what they understand the concerns to be, and the implied meaning as well as the stated meaning of what was shared. The listener repeats back what they understood in their own words as a comprehensive summary. This does not mean you agree with everything, it just means you care enough to set yourself aside, to patiently listen and to seek to understand.

39. 4.After there has been discussion, clarification, and agreement that understanding has been achieved then you switch roles. The speaker becomes the listener and vice versa. Then you repeat steps 1 through 3.

40. TIP: It will save time and promote good-will if the person sharing second starts by summarizing and validating concerns already shared that they agree with and make appropriate adjustments. Then you can continue with your perspective or concerns that have yet to be considered or where you disagree.

41. 5. After both of you have listened, clarified, and shared, you have three primary goals: A. To make amends….. B. To make adjustments…. C. To reach a solution….. Our ultimate goal is to correct………. NOTE: This process can actually turn conflict into a good thing, building confidence and trust for those involved.

42. SUMMARY OF THE LISTENING PROCESS: Wife shares/husband listens. Husband shares what he understands and wife confirms or clarifies. Reverse roles. Summarize and agree what both husband and wife need. The best decision makes the most use of what is shared. Intimacy increases and the relationship is strengthened.

43. HOMEWORK: Take time to sit down with your spouse or a good friend (if you are single) and take turns sharing about a special time in your life. Share why that time was special, how it changed you, or what it meant to you. Practice the servant listening process as you share.