1. Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

2. “Before I can walk in another’s shoes, I must first remove my own”
The Shoe Salesman
Melissa and Colleen
Why is this habit (Seek First to Understand, Then be Understood) the key to communication?

3. Goldilocks and the Three Bears Activity
You must recite the story to your partner…
However, you must alternate each word.
For Example:
Person One “Once”
Person Two “upon”
Person One “a”
Person Two “time”

4. Please Listen…
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem. Listen! All I ask is that you listen. Don't talk or do--just hear me. Author Unknown

5. Can you relate…
What experiences have you had in reference to this poem?
Were you the listener or the speaker?

6. “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

7. 5 Poor Listening Styles Space out Pretender Selective Word
Self-centered
Judge
probe
We don’t listen enough!
“Listen or thy tongue will make thee deaf”
Everyone wants to be respected and valued for who they are, they won’t express their soft middles until they feel genuine love and understanding. “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”
Poor Listening:
1) space out, when someone is talking but we ignore because our mind wanders
2) pretend, by making insightful comments at key times, “cool” sounds good
3) selective listening, pay attention only to the part that interests us
4)word, we pay attention to only the words and not body language or tone, which often holds the true meaning
5)self centered, hear from our own point of view, game of one upmanship, three ways, judging - criticizing them, advice - tell them what to do, probe - interrogate them

8. Space Out
When someone is talking to us but we ignore them because our mind is wandering off in another galaxy.
When someone is telling you something, you are too caught up in your own thoughts.
Do this too much, and you may get a reputation for being “out of it”.

9. Pretend Listening
Not really paying attention, but making insightful comments at key junctures like “yeah”, “uh-huh”, or “cool”.
The speaker will usually get the hint and will feel that he or she is not important enough to be heard.

10. Selective Listening
Paying attention to only parts of a conversation that you find interesting.
Since you’ll always talk about what you want to talk about, instead of what the other person wants to talk about, chances are it will be difficult for you to develop long lasting friendships.

11. Word Listening
You pay attention when someone is talking, but only to the words spoken.
You do not take into consideration the body language, feelings, emotion or true meaning behind the words.
If you focus on words only, you’ll seldom be in touch with the deeper emotions of people.

12. Self Centered Listening
This happens when we see everything from our point of view. Instead of standing in another’s shoes, we want them to stand in ours.
This type of listening is often a game of “one-upmanship”, where we try and “one-up” each other as if our conversation was a competition.

13. Self Centered Listening
When we listen from our point of view, we usually reply in one of three ways:
We Judge
We Advise
We Probe
Let’s take a closer look at the three…

14. Judging
Sometimes we make judgments in the backs of our minds as we listen to others about them and what they are saying.
If you are busy judging, you’re not really listening, are you?
People do not want to be judged, they want to be heard.

15. Advising
This is when we give advice drawn from our own experiences. This is the “when-I-was-your-age” speech you often get from your elders.
Give an example.

16. Probing
When you try to dig up emotions before people are willing to share them.
Name a time when you have been probed.
Parents do it to teens all of the time…

17. Seek First to Understand , Then to Be Understood
Genuine listening
Talk with parents
Genuine: listen with eyes, heart, and ears, 7% is communicated thru our words, 53% in body lang. And 40% in tone and feeling, listen to what the person is not saying, how, stand in their shoes, try to see the world as they see it and feel as they feel. Practice mirroring, repeat back in your OWN words what the other person is saying and feeling. Repeat meaning, own words, warm and caring way (or others will feel manipulated and see thru you)
Parents: they are not aliens living inside human bodies! Improve your relationship with them by LISTENING, they have pressures too! Unfulfilled dreams or sacrifices, take time to understand, two things, they’ll be greater respect both ways, and you’ll likely get your way more often! Start by asking them some questions today!
Final: survey of greatest fears, #2 = death, #1 = public speaking, that’s why many harbour true feelings inside, unexpressed feelings NEVER die, they just eat your heart out. Giving feedback is important part of being understood. Ask, “Will this feedback help or am I doing it to suit myself and try to fix them?” also send “I” messages not ‘YOU’ messages.
You have two ears and one mouth for a reason!

18. Genuine Listening (The 3 Keys)
1. Listen with your eyes, heart and ears

19. Please…Hear What I’m Not Saying p. 171
Genuine Listening
Please…Hear What I’m Not Saying p. 171
2. Stand in Their Shoes
“Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell”.
You must try to see the world as they see it and try to feel as they feel.

20. Genuine Listening 3. Practice Mirroring
-What does a mirror do? It does not judge. It doesn’t give advice. It reflects.
-Repeat back in your own words what the other person is saying and feeling.
Mirroring is not mimicking. Mimicking is when you repeat exactly what the person said, like a parrot.

21. Mimicking Vs. Mirroring
-Repeating words
-Using the same word
-Cold and indifferent
Mirroring
-Repeating meaning
-Using your own words
-Warm and caring

22. Practice Mirroring
If someone said the following phrases to you, what is a mirroring phrase you could reply with?
“This is the worst paper I’ve ever read!”
“You absolutely cannot stay out past midnight.”
“I don’t know that new girl very well.”
“My parents are really driving me nuts.”
“Lunch was really good today.”
“I don’t feel like going to work.”

23. Activity (Optional)
See how long you can keep eye contact with someone while they are talking to you.
In your interactions today, try mirroring one person and mimicking another, just for fun. Compare the results.

24. Habits Review Be Proactive Begin with the End in Mind
Put First Things First
Think Win-Win
Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood
Synergize
Sharpen the Saw