2 HABIT 5: SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD The Challenges of Communication&The Skill of Empathy
3 THE HABIT OF EMPATHIC COMMUNICATION We need to listen to one another if we are to make it through this age of apocalypse and avoid the chaos of the crowd.- Chaim Potok
4 UNDERLYING PRINCIPLES Diagnosis must precede prescription.Understanding comes through listening.
5 Diagnose Before You Prescribe Describe a time when someone didn’t listen to you before prescribing an answer.How did you feel?When do you fail most to listen to others? Why?
6 Levels of Listening Ignoring: making no effort to listen Pretend Listening: making believe or giving the appearance you are listeningSelective Listening: hearing only the parts of the conversation that interest youAttentive Listening: paying attention and focusing on what the speaker says, and comparing that to your own experiences
7 PERCEPTIONSOur perceptions of others are skewed to meet our own needs.We judge others on the basis of their actions.We judge ourselves on the basis of our intentions.We hear and see what we need or expect to hear.
8 Problems which lead to communication difficulties DefensivenessInarticulateHidden AgendasStatus DifferencesEnvironmentHostility
9 When others speak We listen at one of the five levels People who listen at the first four levels often pursue personal motivesPeople who practice ate the fifth level of listening, empathic listening, try to discover what the other person really means and feels from his or her point of view
10 Autobiographical Responses Can keep us from understanding.When we listen to people, we tend to filter what we hear through our own experiences.Our background creates certain “autobiographical filters.”We translate others’ words and feelings to fit our opinions and experiences.
12 Autobiographical Responses ADVISING: Giving counsel, advice, and solutions to problemsPROBING: Asking questions from our won frame of reference or agendaINTERPRETING: Explaining another’s motives and behavior based on our own experiences. Trying to figure people out.EVALUATING: Judging, and either agreeing or disagreeing.
13 ADVISING Give counsel based on your own experiences. Saying, “Let me tell you what I would do…” is belittling to the requestor.This is more frequently exhibited in males than in females.Males try to solve problems, females look for sounding boards.
14 PROBINGWebster's Dictionary defines a probe as a blunt instrument used to explore a wound.Ask questions from your own frame of reference.Reframing the problem away from the requestor’s to a problem you have.This diverts the discussion and should be avoided.
15 INTERPRETING & EVALUATING Explain motives and behavior based on your own motives and behavior.Reading between the lines and psychoanalyzing are not techniques used by effective people.Agree to disagree.
16 DON’T THROW A PIE! Don’t throw A (advising) P (probing) I (interpreting)E (evaluating)
17 How does the message change? I want you to call me.
18 HOW WE COMMUNICATE Tone and Words We Use Inflection 7% 38% Body Language55%
19 Communication is paying attention to AppearancePostureBody LanguageGesturesEye ContactFacial ExpressionsVoice- pitch, volume, inflection, pace
20 Empathetic ListeningListening with intent to understand the other person’s frame of reference and feelingsYou must listen with your ears, your eyes, and your heart.
22 Empathetic Listening is important under certain conditions: When interaction has a strong emotional component.When the relationship is strained or trust is low.When we are not sure we understand.When the data is complex or unfamiliar.When we are not sure the other person feels confident that we understand.
23 Practice Empathetic Listening The skill of Empathetic Listening takes practice.It combines several skills, including capturing feelings from nonverbal clues and phrasing empathetic responses clearly and supportively.
24 Empathetic Listening is not good for everything. Sometimes only silence and patience work.In many interactions, autobiographical responses work.Sometimes nothing seems to work.Empathetic Listening is one of many tools to help us understand others.
25 Empathy is not Sympathy We have empathy when we put ourselves in another’s place and experience feelings as he or she experiences them.This does not mean we agree (as in sympathy), but that we understand the other point of view.
26 Seeking to be understood Like win-win, this habit balances courage and consideration.While understanding another person takes consideration, getting another person to understand us takes courage.
27 Then Seek to be Understood When you present your own ideas clearly, specifically, visually, and most importantly contextually- in the context of a deep understanding of their paradigms and concerns- you significantly increase the credibility of your ideas.
28 TRANSACTIONAL TO TRANSFORMATIONAL By seeking first to understand, we can turns transactional opportunity into a transformational opportunity.We can get on the same side of the table looking at the problem instead of staying on opposite sides staring at each other
29 One on OneHabit 5 is powerful because it focuses on your circle of influence.You are focusing on building your understanding.You become influenceable, which is the key to influencing others.As you appreciate people more, they will appreciate you.
30 SYNERGYWhen we really deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions and third alternatives. Our differences are no longer stumbling blocks to communication and progress.Instead they become stepping stones to synergy.