1. © 2010 Thomson South-Western Instructor Only Version CHAPTER 4 Revising Business Messages

2. Chapter 1, Slide 2 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 2 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e The Writing Process

3. Chapter 1, Slide 3 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 3 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Improving content and sentence structure May involve adding, cutting, and recasting. Improving content and sentence structure May involve adding, cutting, and recasting. Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics Correcting grammar, spelling, punctuation, format, and mechanics Proofreading Revising

4. Chapter 4, Slide 4 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Concise Wording Revise your messages to eliminate flabby expressions. Instead of this We are of the opinion that Please feel free to In addition to the above At this point in time Despite the fact that Try this We think Please Also Now Although

5. Chapter 4, Slide 5 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Limit Long Lead-Ins Instead of this This memo is to inform you that all employees meet today. I am writing this letter to say thanks to everyone who voted. Try this All employees meet today. Thanks to everyone who voted.

6. Chapter 4, Slide 6 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Drop Unnecessary Fillers Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there is/was and it is/was when used merely to take up space. Instead of this There was only one employee who should be promoted. It was Lisa and Jeff who were honored. Try this Only one employee should be promoted. Lisa and Jeff were honored.

7. Chapter 1, Slide 7 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 7 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Quick Check Revise the following sentences to avoid flabby expressions, long lead-ins, and unnecessary there is/it is fillers. A new health benefit plan is available for employees. This e-mail message is to inform you that there is a new health benefit plan available for employees. I would like to take this opportunity to inform everyone that in all probability we expect to win the contract. We probably will win the contract.

8. Chapter 1, Slide 8 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 8 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Quick Check Revise the following sentences to achieve conciseness. Two contracts are also attached. In addition to the above, there are contracts that are attached hereto. Despite the fact that most information is posted on the company intranet, please feel free to call whenever necessary. Although most information is posted on the company intranet, please call whenever necessary.

9. Chapter 4, Slide 9 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Remove Redundant Words advance warning close proximity exactly identical filled to capacity final outcome necessary requisite new beginning past history refer back serious danger Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?

10. Chapter 4, Slide 10 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Remove Redundant Words advance warning close proximity exactly identical filled to capacity final outcome necessary requisite new beginning past history refer back serious danger Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What words could be omitted in these expressions?

11. Chapter 4, Slide 11 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Dump Trite Expressions Trite and Outdated as per your request pursuant to your request attached hereto under separate cover Modern at your request attached separately

12. Chapter 1, Slide 12 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 12 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Try This… NorthStar Telecommunication Services Interoffice Memo Date:November 12, 200x To:Phillip Larios From:Danika Freedman Subject:Investigation of Web Sites of Some of Our Competitors This is just a short note to inform you that, as you requested, I have made an investigation of several of our competitor’s Web sites. Attached hereto is a summary of my findings. of my investigation. I was really most interested in making a comparison of the employment of strategies for marketing as well as the use of navigational graphics used to guide visitors through the sites. In view of the fact that we will be revising our own Website in the near future, I was extremely intrigued by the organization, kind of marketing tactics, and navigation at each and every site I visited. In the event that you would like to discuss this information with me, feel free to call me at Extension 219. Attachment.

13. Chapter 1, Slide 13 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 13 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Memo Revised for Conciseness

14. Chapter 4, Slide 14 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e JargonJargon Computer Jargon queue export bandwidth Alternative list of documents waiting to be printed transfer data from one program to another Internet capacity Avoid technical terms and special terminology that readers would not recognize. Is jargon ever permissible?

15. Chapter 4, Slide 15 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e SlangSlang to “bag on” clueless turkey chill/chill out to tease, to nag, or to complain unaware, naïve someone stupid or silly relax Avoid slang (informal expressions with arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).

16. Chapter 4, Slide 16 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e SlangSlang An example from the world of Dilbert:

17. Chapter 4, Slide 17 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e ClichésClichés Avoid clichés (overused expressions). Substitute more precise words. Instead of this Last but not least, you should keep your nose to the grindstone. We had reached the end of our rope. Try this Finally, you should work diligently. We could go no further.

18. Chapter 1, Slide 18 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 18 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Quick Check Finally, the attorney referred to an identical case. Last but not least, the attorney referred back to an exactly identical case. With a little advance warning, we could have sold out before our stocks tanked. With warning, we could have sold out before our stocks hit bottom. Revise the following sentences to avoid redundancies, trite business expressions, jargon, and slang.

19. Chapter 1, Slide 19 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 19 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Ms. Miller, who is straightforward, demanded completion by January 1. Ms. Miller, who shoots straight from the shoulder, demanded final completion by January 1. Revise the following sentences to avoid redundancies, trite business expressions, jargon, and slang. As you requested, a check for $150 is enclosed. Pursuant to your request, enclosed please find a check for $150.

20. Chapter 4, Slide 20 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Buried Verbs Revise verbs that have been converted to nouns. Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and forcefully converted to verbs? Look for words ending in tion or ment. Could they be more efficiently and forcefully converted to verbs? Tip

21. Chapter 4, Slide 21 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Instead of this The manager came to the realization that telecommuting made sense. A job seeker must make application before May 1. Try this The manager realized that telecommuting made sense. A job seeker must apply before May 1. Buried Verbs

22. Chapter 4, Slide 22 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Instead of this Once we have the establishment of a Web site, our business will grow. Please give serious consideration to a company intranet. Try this Once we establish a Web site, our business will grow. Please seriously consider a company intranet. Buried Verbs

23. Chapter 4, Slide 23 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Control Exuberance To sound credible, don’t overuse intensifiers such as very, definitely, quite, completely, extremely, really, actually, and totally Excessive The manager is actually quite pleased with your proposal because the plan is definitely workable. Businesslike The manager is pleased with your proposal because the plan is workable.

24. Chapter 4, Slide 24 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Precise Words Revise your writing to include precise words. Strive for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and vivid adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns. Unclear The man asked for a raise. An employee presented a proposal. More Precise Jeff Jones asked for a 10 percent salary increase. Kelly Keeler, production manager, presented a plan to stagger hours.

25. Chapter 4, Slide 25 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Precise Words Revise your writing to include descriptive, dynamic adjectives instead of overworked, all-purpose ones. Instead of this They thought her report was good. She said she would get in touch. Try this The management council thought Erin’s report was factual and well written. Sheila said she would send you an e-mail.

26. Chapter 1, Slide 26 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 26 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Quick Check The seller promised to e-mail (telephone or fax) you. The seller said he definitely would contact you. We must give encouragement to our team. We must encourage our team. In the following sentences, unbury verbs and control exuberance.

27. Chapter 1, Slide 27 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 27 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Moviegoers prefer buttered popcorn. Moviegoers actually show a total preference for buttered popcorn. Please assess the home’s value. Please make an assessment of the home’s value. Ann suggested that we hire Lee. Ann made a suggestion that we hire Lee. In the following sentences, unbury verbs and control exuberance.

28. Chapter 4, Slide 28 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Designing Documents for Readability Employ white space.  Headings  Short paragraphs  Ragged-right margins

29. Chapter 4, Slide 29 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Choose appropriate typefaces. Serif typefaces have small features at ends of strokes. Useful for body text. Times New Roman Century Georgia Garamond Designing Documents for Readability

30. Chapter 4, Slide 30 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Choose appropriate typefaces. Sans serif typefaces are cleaner without features. Useful for headings, signs, and noncontinuous reading material. Arial Tahoma Verdana Calibri Designing Documents for Readability

31. Chapter 4, Slide 31 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Designing Documents for Readability Use bulleted and numbered lists.  Break up complex information into smaller chunks.  Use numbered lists for sequences.  Use bulleted lists for items that don’t require a certain order.

32. Chapter 4, Slide 32 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Instead of this To clean the printer, you should do the following. First, you should disconnect the power cord. Then you open the front cover, and the printer area should be cleaned with a soft cloth. Try this To clean the printer, do the following: 1. Disconnect the power cord. 2. Open the front cover. 3. Clean the printer with a soft cloth. Designing Documents for Readability Use a numbered list for instructions.

33. Chapter 4, Slide 33 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Instead of this On April 3 we will be in Toledo, and the speaker is Troy Lee. On May 20 we will be in Detroit, and the speaker is Sue Wu. Try this Date City Speaker April 3 Toledo Troy Lee May 20 Detroit Sue Wu Designing Documents for Readability O rganize information with column headings.

34. Chapter 4, Slide 34 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Instead of this Our team constantly tries to achieve our goals, customer service must be improved, and our production targets must be met. Try this Our team constantly tries to (a) achieve our goals, (b) improve customer service, and (c) hit our production targets. Designing Documents for Readability Use letters to list items within sentences. Strive for parallelism.

35. Chapter 4, Slide 35 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Instead of this The next topic is vacations. A new vacation schedule will be available on May 1. To assist employees, we will begin a flex schedule in the fall. Try this Vacations. A new vacation schedule will be available on May 1. Flextime. To assist employees, we will begin a flex schedule in the fall. Designing Documents for Readability Use paragraph headings to improve organization and readability.

36. Chapter 1, Slide 36 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 36 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Quick Check The next training session will demonstrate Creating podcasts Sharing multiple programs Maintaining an Internet directory. In the next training session, the trainer will demonstrate how to create podcasts, how to share multiple programs, and how to maintain an Internet directory. Arrange the following in a concise, bulleted vertical list.

37. Chapter 1, Slide 37 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 37 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Quick Check You can prepare for interviews by doing the following: Study the job description. Itemize your most strategic skills and qualifications. Practice giving responses in a mock interview. In preparing for an employment interview, you should begin by studying the job description. Itemizing your most strategic skills and qualifications is also important. Giving responses in a mock interview is another good practice technique. Last, you should be prepared to ask relevant questions. Improve the readability of the following instructions that will become part of a student’s employment booklet.

38. Chapter 4, Slide 38 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e What to Watch for in Proofreading  Spelling  Grammar  Punctuation  Names and numbers  Format © ISTOCKPHOTO.COM / DMITRY SHIRONOSOV

39. Chapter 4, Slide 39 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Proofreading Marks

40. Chapter 1, Slide 40 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e Chapter 4, Slide 40 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e

41. Chapter 4, Slide 41 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e How to Proofread Complex Documents  Allow adequate time.  Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.  Be prepared to find errors.  Read once for meaning and once for grammar/mechanics.  Reduce your reading speed.

42. Chapter 4, Slide 42 Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e For documents that must be perfect:  Have someone read aloud the original while someone else checks the printout.  Spell names.  Spell difficult words.  Note capitalization.  Note punctuation. How to Proofread Complex Documents

43. © 2010 Thomson South-Western Instructor Only Version END