1. Write an Epic Poem

2. Step One Write a brief statement of the poem's purpose before you begin recounting the story - say, to detail your dog Champ's heroic crusade against backyard birds -

3. followed by an invocation of the Muse. Tell me, O muse, of that ingenious hero who traveled far and wide across the fields of the backyard to destroy the birds.

4. Step Two Give a short, general outline of the action of the poem in the statement of the poem's purpose Many hydrants did he visit, and many were the neighborhoods with whose manners and customs he was acquainted; Moreover he suffered much by the claws of cats while trying to save his own life and bring his fellow dogs safely home; But do what he might he could not save his fellow, for they perished through their own sheer folly in eating the cat food of the Cat-goddess Bast; so the goddess prevented them from ever reaching home.

5. Step Three Invoke the Muse next by first praising her, then by asking her to aid you in the writing of your poem.

6. Step Four Choose a particularly heroic event in the hero's life at which to start. This will be the main action of your poem.

7. Step Five Begin the narrative by employing "in medias res" narrative. Literally meaning "into the midst of things," this is a poetic convention in which the narrative begins in the middle of the main action and earlier events are retold through flashbacks.

8. Tell us the story of our hero as he lay chained in the dog house, far from his home and his boy. The sweet girl in another neighborhood kept him away from those he loved. Her blue eyes, blonde curls, and Pupperoni treats were a temptation to him and kept him from making the journey home.

9. Step Six Confront your hero with dangerous monsters and other incredible adventures. Include vivid and explicit descriptions of warfare (particularly weapons and combat). Confront your hero with dangerous monsters and other incredible adventures. Include vivid and explicit descriptions of warfare (particularly weapons and combat).

10. Step Seven Use the supernatural to get your protagonist out of tough situations. If your hero or heroine is in a no-win situation, simply send in a god or goddess to help out at the last moment.