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4Marriage is the foundation of the family Strathmore SchoolParents seminar
5Relationship between couples This is core of family relationshipsChildren are greatly determined by how spouses relate to each otherA couple that is united and constantly working on their relationship achieves more than one that is not
6A stable nestA stable, peaceful home creates stable childrenParents need to be committed to each other and to their children
7Children with two parents do better They have higher test scores and gradesBecause they have a sense of security hence are open to learningThey miss fewer days of schoolEat more regular and balanced mealsHave a higher quality of mental health
8They dream of finishing school and joining university They have a 7-20% higher chance of finishing universityAvoid pre-marital sex and childbearingThey are likely to avoid crime, drugs, alcohol
9Children with one parent or divorced parents Report less than 50% class attendanceHave a 70% higher chance of being expelled from schoolTheir parents are called to school more often because of indiscipline or behaviour problems
10As young adults they have a higher chance (1. 5-2 As young adults they have a higher chance ( times) of being out of school or out of workThey have a higher chance ofpremarital sexChild birthHaving a child out of wedlockOf not having a successful marriage
11We need both a father and a mother A father can never adequately fulfill the role of a mother..and a mother can never adequately fulfill the role of a fatherEach gender brings vitally important and unique elements to a child’s developmentThis essential mix is absent in single parent homes
12We need both a father and a mother Parenting is a true partnership between husbandand wifeFathers should have an equivalent parenting role with mothersDifferent and complementary roles
13Marriage…. is a rich personal resource for parents and children ensures children have better physical and mental healthproduces healthy children who do not overburden the health care systemprotects children from poverty and abuse
14Marriage…. Helps them stay away from criminal behaviour ensures children have a better future because they get good grades, graduate, get good jobsprotects the society from “bad elements” in the societyensures our children’s will marry and stay married!!
15The marriage myths The grass is greener on the other side I need to change my spouseI should have married my soul mateThat I cannot be happy in marriage
16Grass is greener on the other side Of course it is greener……..but when you cross over you realize it is artificial turfI made a mistake, I should have married so and soIt is the devil’s lie
17I will change my spouse You cannot teach an ”old” dog new tricks Most likely your spouse is your oppositeYou both have different personalitiesThis was what attracted you in the beginning1717
18But it is hard Of course it is hard… ……because you are focusing on the things you do not like about your spouseHow about more focus on the things that you like about your spouse more1818
19List of things that you cannot change GenderCommunication differencesUp-bringing/childhood/school historyPersonalityTraining/ career1919
20I did not marry “my soul mate” He/she would have understood me betterWho really knows meI do not have to explain too much...s/he just knowsMy soul would know her and I would know her soulThe term soul mate as we know is a creation of Hollywood….2020
21A soul mate? No human being can enter your soul….only God A life mate is something that you becomeBe understanding, loving, available to your spouseBecome that person you want to see in your spouse….and your spouse will become your “soul” mateBe present and available in your marriage2121
22Are people still interested in getting married? Ninety-eight percent of never-married survey respondents said they wanted to marryand 88 percent said that marriage should be a lifelong commitmentAsked to select their top two goals, a majority of Americans included a happy marriage as their first goal2222
23To be happy, shouldn’t you just stay single?? Research in 17 nations found that married men andwomen report significantly higher levels of happiness than unmarried peopleA survey of 14,000 adults over a 10-year-period found that marital status was one of the mostimportant predictors of happinessIt showed 40 percent of married individuals said they were very happy with their life in generalcompared with just less than 25 percent of those who were single or cohabiting
24The separated and divorced were the least happy group Married people reported the highest levels of well-being, regardless of whether they were happily married or notThe married had higher self-esteem, greater life satisfaction, greater happiness and less distressMarried people were wealthier had more financial resourcesIt is a myth that single adults lead happier lives
25Women are oppressed in marriage Are radical feminists correct in asserting that marriage was instituted for the benefit of men, and that it is oppressive to women physically, emotionally and economically?Stable marriage has substantial positive, emotional and psychological benefits for women, and it dramatically improves the well-being of children2525
26Wives typically gain greater financial advantages from marriage Married women experience lower levels of violence, poverty, depression and emotional problems, enjoy better sex lives and live longer than single womenWhile marriage enhances well-being for both genders, married women scored higher than married men on measures of perception of well-beingWives typically gain greater financial advantages from marriage2626
27“… Being married is like having somebody permanently in your corner, it feels limitless, not limited.”Feminist Gloria Steinem, after marrying for the first time at age 66, People Magazine2727
28Is sex outside of marriage better than married sex? Surveys show that husbands and wives are more satisfied with sex than sexually active singlesForty-eight percent of husbands labeled sex with their partner “extremely satisfying emotionally,” compared to just 37 percent of cohabiting men;50 percent of married men found sex physically satisfying compared to 39 percent of cohabiting men2828
29For women, 42 percent of married women and 39 percent of cohabiting women said they were “extremely satisfied emotionally” by sex with their partnerAfter controlling for age and other differences, married men and married women were substantially more satisfied with sex than cohabiting or single men and women2929
30Marriage provides: Proximity A long-term contract Exclusivity Emotional bondingSecurity3030
31Are couples that cohabit (live together) similar in all respects to married couples? They could be together for economic gain or to raise their children togetherHowever their level of commitment is not the same and they often do not stay together for lifeThis has a negative impact on their childrenTheir children are also unlikely to marry3131
32Men and women are distinctly different they are not interchangeable unitsA father can never adequately fulfill the role of a mother and a mother can never adequately fulfill the role of a fatherEach gender brings vitally important and unique elements to a child’s development3232
33This essential mix is absent in single parent homes Parenting is a true partnership between husbandand wifeFathers should have an equivalent parenting role with mothersDifferent and complementary roles3333
34I can treat him/her however I want No you cannot treat him anyhowDo you have some annoying habits that make life miserable for your spouse likeBeing rudeNot keeping timeSqueezing the toothpaste in the middleBuying unnecessary thingsCriticizing your spouse in publicnagging3434
35How to change an annoying habit Accept that you have such a habitRealize itChange it…be patient it takes timeCheck it and keep working on itIts easier said than done….It takes one month to acquire a virtue3535
36I should not have to ask…….. …do I need to keep repeating things???? Yes…he/she cannot read mindsJust ask the question!But suggest it do not demand itGive time for thought or decision makingBe willing to accept something less than you asked forAnd give gentle reminders if they forget3636
37The more you push the more I resist Remember….The more you push the more I resistThe more you nag the less I hear youThe more you demand the less I feel appreciatedThe more you command the more I resent itYou need to actively listen3737
38Listen byMaintaining eye contact- give full attentionPutting away the newspaper, unplugging the TVDo not make judgementsGive your full attentionPositive body language
39When your feeling nagged to talk Your spouse is always asking “can we talk..”Avoidance is the easiest solutionBut if offers temporary reliefIt means that you have lost your friendshipThe only contact you have it to tackle difficult situations393939
40When your feeling nagged to talk Find time to do things you used to enjoy togetherAsk HER when she least expects it “what do you really need?”Friends communicate better than enemies do404040
42Select the right time!Certainly not on a Monday morning when the pressures are highThere is a time for everythingLikely on a Friday evening or Saturday morningMaybe late night “bombs” should be avoided4242
43…. effective communication Try taking a meal away from home and childrenOr a weekend get awayStressful environments are communication killers avoid the office, car environments43
44Select the right SETTING Genuine communication is clouded by everyday livingSpouses communication is limited to talking at the spouse rather than talking toReal communication is best achieved away from the home and work setting44
45Do we get home late every day? Do we have different schedules? We have taken on more than we can handleWe are too busyDo we get home late every day?Do we have different schedules?- No common dinner time- N o common tea time- No common bed timeNo time to talk about our work or day- very important de stressor45
46Practicalities Spend quality time together The irony of the family Sunday bonding sessionCreate time to be alone with your spouseCreate bonding sessionsBe interesting-read up on topics that interest themBe lovingBe patient
47Why does one spouse find communication a form of torture 474747
48Talking about sensitive issues Avoid conflict at any costKeep eye contactWatch your body languageAvoid the familiar road that leads to chaosBe principle centred-do not ask who is right but What is rightYou are partners not prosecutorsthe marriage comes first before issues of who was right or wrongRespect your spouse during “the talk”
49How to begin a conversation Identify what you want to talk aboutStick only to this and do not bring up old agendasGet the right timingIs your spouse tired, hungry, sick, stressed?Keep to the point, do not keep repeatingallow time for feedback
50Get the right settingnot in front of children, house help, othersUse the correct body languageKeep eye contactBe lovingBe respectfulSpeak calmlyCheck the tone of your voiceNon verbal communication
51Accept views and opinions of your spouse Be appreciative-have they listened to you? Tell them you value their opinionActively listenListenUnderstand the personFeel the person
52Nil by mouth! Silence can be one of the loudest forms of communication What are you saying when your not talking?I do not want to talk because it is going to end up with a fight?Or do not bother meOr I do not care about you at all
53My marriage is overI have tried everythingWe have talked over this issueYour suggestion will not helpNothing you suggest will work
54My marriage is overPeople in crisis have difficulties differentiating things as they are and things as they seem to beEven during the heaviest darkest rainstorm there is always hope
55When to get help When your problem is no longer big..it is huge When its become unmanageable, unhealthyWhen you are stressedWhen you are emotionally wiped outWhen you have become resentful
56So can we do itOf course we can!!!!So lets do it!!!!
57Question 1 LOVE NEVER DIES A NATURAL DEATH Love never dies a natural death but is neglected leading to “lost” or “dull” loveWhat efforts do husbands need to make to revive “lost” or “dull” love in marriage?What efforts do wives need to make to revive “lost” or “dull” love in marriage?
58Question 2: COMMUNICAING ABOUT FINANCES Research has shown that lack of communication regarding finances is one of the biggest causes of friction in marriageWhy in your opinion do spouses find this topic difficult to discuss?What are the possible solutions for avoiding this type of friction?
59Question 3: INTERNET AND SOAP OPERAS Social network has had a great effect on our entire society and has affected how most people perceive various issuesFacebook and twitter are some of the trendiest way of interacting with people. What are some of the negative effects of the social media a married couple who frequently use it?Recently local TV stations have been airing Mexican or Spanish soap operas, which they say is due to public demand. What notions do these soaps portray about marriage? What influence if any do they have on our marriages?
60Question 4: Fostering communication Often couples find that they have stopped communicationa) what are the possible reasons for this?b) What suggestions do you have to jump-start stalled communication?
61GROUP FIVE: COMMUNICATING WITH RELATIVES AND IN-LAWS Often couples find communicating with relatives and in-laws challenging. They also find it difficult to discuss issues that crop up concerning their spouse’s relatives.What issues do couples need to discuss concerning their relatives?
62Communication between a wife and her husband’s relatives or between a husband and his wives relatives could be challenging. How can these challenges be dealt with?In order to enhance family unity and cohesion, communication with relatives needs to be very good. How can communication with such relatives be enhanced?
63GROUP FIVE: COMMUNICATING WITH CHILDREN How a couple communicates to each other has a very big impact on how they will communicate to their children.Teenagers should be able to ask their parents any question about what they are going through, especially on matters to do with their sexuality. However parents often are unable to answer such questions or resort to telling white lies when they find the topics “embarrassing” or “difficult”.
64What is the best way of answering questions that you may not be too comfortable discussing with your child?Children often imitate what they see their friends doing. How can you discourage your child from following trends or fashion that you do not consider appropriate for them e.g hairstyles, earrings, and sagging trousers etc?