2. Boundaries in Dating, Townsend & Cloud

3. Wisdom in Relationships Boundaries in Relationships Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it Page 82, The Dating Trap, Martha Ruppert

4. Maturity Good relationships require a level of Christian maturity. Do you know who you are? What are your values and goals? Become a quality person yourself instead of looking for that perfect someone. Quality attracts quality. How do you know quality if you don’t strive for it in yourself?

5. What is your Goal in this relationship? Why do people get into relationships? To feel good about themselves. Because they are lonely. So they have a social life. Just to fit in; it is expected.

6. The goal of relationships To glorify God in this relationship. Has God given you the go ahead? Are you treating the person the way you would want to be treated? Is this person better from having known you?

7. The Goal of Relationships To get to know the person. How? Spend time together in a variety of group situations : How do they relate to : –Your family –Friends –Different age groups –Other males and females –People from other cultures, nations

8. Get to know the person’s character How? Evaluate their emotional stability. Their maturity. How they handle conflict, disappointments, blessing, etc. Observe their walk with God.

9. Evaluating a person’s character Dating is artificial. People perform. Dating becomes exclusive and often other important people are excluded. Get to know and observe people in a non- dating situation.

10. Get to know the person’s character Talk Talk Talk and talk some more

11. What to talk about Find out: Their values Their goals God’s goal for their life. Their likes and dislikes. Their family life. Their interests. Their walk with God. Talk about what is important to you.

12. God’s goal for their life The story of one couple.

15. When can you begin a relationship? When your are mature. When your motivations are right. When you have sought feedback from others. When this person has the potential of maybe becoming your spouse. (Would you want to be like that person?)

16. Relationships in DTS Not what you came here for. It is only 5 months of your life. Don’t miss what God brought you here for. Don’t mess with what God wants to do in someone’s life. Don’t be selfish. DTS is an artificial situation. It is easy to look spiritual. You can bond with people due to shared experiences. You have not personally observed the person’s family life, church life, their friends, etc. Don’t let your insecurity rule.

17. Boundaries in Relationships

18. Boundaries define and protect Property lines. Safety boundaries A boundary defines who we are. What we love What we dislike Our values Our morals Boundaries protect. They keep the good in. They keep the bad out.

19. Three Types of Boundaries

20. Value Boundaries Values are things that are important to you.You will not compromise on these values. They can be in a variety of areas: Calling in life Finances Theology Family Ministry Social issues. Ethics And more………..

21. TRUTH: A value boundary Require truth and be truthful yourself. If there is deception there is no relationship. There is no reality when you are dealing with a deceptive person. Honesty about where you are in the relationship. Honesty about who you are. People who lie due to shame, quilt, fear, etc. People who lie as standard operating procedure. Lying destroys. It is Satan’s character.

22. Spiritual Autonomy: A value boundary You have your own walk with God. Anyone you would consider a relationship with must also have his or her own walk with God.You each had your own walk with God before you met. Your walk with God will continue even if the relationship doesn’t continue. Their walk with God will continue even if the relationship ends.

23. Proper Motivation: a value boundary Not motivated by fear or loneliness. Fear of loneliness can make you compromise on your values. Hang on to the relationship when you know it should end. Jump into relationships too quickly. Settle for someone you know isn’t good for you. Compromise on other boundaries.

24. Friendship: A value boundary Don’t get involved with someone you wouldn’t choose as a friend.

25. Value Boundaries Write down a personal value boundary.

26. Emotional Boundaries

27. Emotional Boundaries : things to think about “You can share almost all of yourself without even holding hands.” Townsend and Cloud. Boundaries in Dating When you let someone into your heart and soul you become intimate. Shared lives lead to emotional attachments.

28. Emotional Boundaries Be careful about talking about the future. Don’t talk about: marriage, number of children you would like, the wedding you dream of, sex, …… Inviting them home for Christmas…etc. DTS student telling a 16 year old from the community that she is beautiful.

29. Emotional Boundaries Write down a personal emotional boundary.

31. The Question most often asked. How far can we go? What does that Question reveal? There is a definite line. I don’t know where it is.

32. A Better Question

33. Physical Boundaries: Broad Categories I Peter 1: 13-15 Holiness I Thes. 4: 1-8 Sanctification, Abstain from Pornea, Self Control, Don’t transgress or defraud in this area. Fornication ( sex outside of marriage) is not permitted. Galatians 5:19, Eph. 5:1- 7,Col. 3:5, I Cor. 6:9,18. “To Know-” as opposed to “ To lay with”

35. To walk in that definition A warning about pornography. Pornography is destructive to the individuals involved, to families, to society.

36. Pornography causes a change in your values. Pornography causes a lack of respect for women. “Univ. of Kentucky study found that even one-time exposure to portrayals of consensual sex in ordinary R- rated movies led men to lose respect for women and to trivialize the crime of rape.” Affair Of the Mind, Laurie Hall.

37. Pornography changes your values Pornography encourages rape. The connection between rape statistics and pornography readership statistics. Alaska and Nevada have the highest number of rapes. They also have the highest readership of pornography. Affair of the Mind. Page 83.

38. Pornography changes your values. Pornography increases the acceptance of coercion in sexual relationships. Report by the U.S. Surgeon General,1986. Affair of the Mind, page 81.

39. Pornography changes your values. Pornography stimulates an interest in perversions. Surgeon General Report,1986. Affair of the Mind, page 81..

40. Pornography changes your values. Pornography promotes masturbation. “ Pornography is primarily about masturbation, whether it is mental or actual.” quote of researcher Harriet Koskoff. Producers of pornography seek ways to increase its appeal as a stimulant Pornography report for American Family Assoc. 1989. Affair of the Mind. Page 103,264.

41. C. S. Lewis, A quote from a letter to a young man who asked him his opinion on masturbation. “ For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete his own personality in that of another and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.

42. C.S. Lewis quote continued “ And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is: always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect love, no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end,they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself.” Affair of the Mind. page 111.

43. Pornography Does not make married sex better. It destroys it. Contains much scientifically inaccurate,false and misleading information about human sexuality, especially the female sexual nature and response. Is addictive. Pornography is not an isolated event in an otherwise healthy life. Pornography is built on lies, deception, lust, broken commitments, misuse of money and time and an unreal fantasy world.

44. Pornography ruins the Mind Imagination not based on truth slips into fantasy which is a delusion. Where your mind dwells is what you become. Proverbs 23:17- As a man thinks in his heart so he is. One addict’s brain. His mental condition. From an engineer to packing chocolates in a factory.

45. Boundaries to help you stay pure physically

46. Boundaries of a 14year old Girl Value boundaries: Christ is first in my life Never date a non-christian. A relationship shouldn’t interfere with my Schoolwork, family life, friends or dreams. Emotional boundaries: Don’t talk about marriage or children or family problems. Don’t talk about unneeded things.

47. Boundaries of a 14 year old girl Physical Boundaries: No sex No petting No tight hugs No body touching Yes to a regular kiss Yes to a loose hug Yes to holding hands

48. Physical Boundaries Write down a physical boundary.

49. But we’re missing out! Are you missing out? Yes! You’re missing out on: