2. 6 Basic Types of Difficult Conversation I have bad news for you You’re challenging my power I can’t go there You win/I lose What’s going on here? I’m being attacked!

3. Three Major Pitfalls Combat anxiety Tough conversations will be battles with winners and losers Emotional pressure Personalities intertwined with issues Intense (unspoken) reactions Hard to read Breakdown between what one side means and what the other side hears Different expectations on all sides

4. Leadership: Difficult Conversations

5. Tough conversations fall apart in recognizable ways Good strategies and tactics can bring them into balance Break patterns of thinking and acting that don’t work Change—unilaterally—what we’re trying to do Focus on strategies with good track records Expand our inventory of tactics that do work Takeaway Learnings

6. Rethink what to do: Strategy Assume you will be taken by surprise Assume things will go wrong Think through preferred outcome preferred working relationship + interferences mock interview

7. Performance Review: Jackie and Ross Jackie, a non-confrontational auditing manager at a bank, is facing a review for a new report, Ross, whom she barely knows. She’s nervous because not all of what she has to say to Ross is good.

8. Performance Review: Jackie and Ross But Jackie had had enough. This was no longer a disagreement about box scores on an evaluation; Ross was undermining her authority. She took the gloves off. “It’s unacceptable that managers think you try to bully them in their own departments. And this very conversation is giving me the evidence I need.” “Bully people?” Ross shot back. The way you’re doing now? You’re doing to me exactly what you accuse me of doing, and at greater cost because you can hurt my career.”

9. Mock Interview Mock Interview Prep What’s the problem? What would my counterpart say the problem is? What’s my preferred outcome? (“Where do I want to get in this conversation?”) What’s my preferred working relationship with my counterpart? (“How do I want this relationship to be?”) What’s interfering with my preferred working relationship?

10. Preferred outcome? Initially, Jackie said, “I want Ross to recognize that he has an attitude problem and agree to my recommendation that he work on his interpersonal skills.” It would have been much better if Jackie had scrutinized a preferred outcome like that and said to herself, “I don’t think that’s going to happen.” Preferred working relationship + interferences In a difficult conversation, it is much easier—and more effective—to talk about a good thing you want, and what’s interfering with it now, than to talk about what’s wrong with your counterpart. Self-respect + Respect for the Counterpart & the Conversation = Balance Jackie might have said to Ross, “We haven’t worked together long, so I want you to know how important it is to me professionally to help my reports advance. I want this to be a constructive review that looks fair to both of us. That gives me a problem because I want to talk about a tough issue that I don’t think you’ve heard about before. I think it’s going to be hard for you to hear.” Performance Review

11. Rethink what to do: Tactics

12. Immunize against thwarting ploys Find middle ground between extremes

13. Range of Response to Thwarting Ploys passive midpoint talk to the ploy impose behavior threaten or accuse punish focus on content do nothing play along aggressive (the perceived thwarting ploy)

14. Blueprint for Speaking Well at Tough Times Clarity means let your words do your work for you. Say what you mean. Tone is the non-verbal part of the message: the inflection, facial expression, and body language that carries emotional weight. A neutral tone helps you be heard without distortion. When you say to yourself, “I can’t say that,” you probably can say it; you just can’t say it that way. Some phrasing is temperate; some dissembles; some provokes your counterpart with loaded language. If your counterpart dismisses, resists, or throws back your words, he’s not likely to hold onto your content.

15. Good Balance: 3-Way Respect Self-respect Balance within yourself Hold your own; own what you do

16. Good Balance: 3-Way Respect Respect for your counterpart Balance between the two of you Don’t count on reciprocity; bring respect unilaterally

17. Good Balance: 3-Way Respect Respect for the conversation itself Balance in the conversation Where you could move; where they could move; how to move the conversation forward