1. Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D., CSAT
The Silent Seduction
An Overlooked Precursor to Sexual Addiction, Co-dependency, and Relationships Struggles
Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D., CSAT

2. Different Labels- Similar Construct
Parentification (Jurkovic)
The Chosen Child (Minuchin)
Emotional Incest (Love)
Covert Incest (Adams)
Enmeshment

3. Overview Enmeshment leads to an attachment disorder
Attachment disorders are largely attributed to abuse, abandonment, or neglect
Little, to no study, is given to enmeshment as a causative factor in its own right
“Closeness” looks like attachment
Mother/son; mother, father/daughter
Societal implications – single parent households, Italy reporting contributing factor to population decline

4. Overview Continued
Enmeshment damages sexual unfolding, prejudicing the capacity for intimacy
Enmeshment key precursor to addiction
Male sex addicts report (40%) enmeshment
Parentified females report eating disorders

5. Enmeshment Disrupts Intimacy
Separate emotionally from the family of origin you grew up in, enough so that your identity is separate from your parents and siblings (The Good Marriage, Wallerstein and Blakeslee)
Relationships have ever-deepening levels, and a relationship can only go to the depth of the more limited person( The Seven 7 Best Things Happy Couples Do, Friel and Friel)

6. Key Concepts Enmeshment and intrusion characterizes the relationship
Demand for loyalty to the needy and lonely parent prevails - creates “loyal object” (Jurkovic)
Entrapped, engulfed, guilty, and angry
Overly eroticized atmosphere
Disloyalty toward love objects other than the parent

7. Factors in Parents Deprivation Disrupted attachment with caregivers
Undifferentiated self
Distorted cognitive schema that prevent seeing children as separate (Jurkovic)
Personality disorders (traits, features)

8. Factors in Children Temperament
Capacity for empathy and caring (Jurkovic)
Birth order
Gender

9. Setting Factors High stress – substance abuse, mental illness
Single parenting
Marital discord
Role induction (parents display of neediness, helplessness, and dependency)
Poor boundaries- enmeshed with one parent, disengagement with the other (Jurkovic)

10. Aggravating Factors
Entrapment, intrusion, and engulfment occurs before age five
Punishment/physical violence in retaliation for separation attempts
Participation by the other parent to encourage the entrapment or their physical or emotional absence
Physical sexual abuse

11. 11

12. Isn't it good to be close to your parents growing up?

13. Mother Attuned To Son: He Can Be Himself
attunement
His Self
His Needs
His Life
attuned to
Figure 4-1. When a mother is attuned to her son, he can have his own life. When a son must be attuned to his mother, his outward energy is blocked. He is trapped with her and must devote his life to serving her needs. In adulthood, the MEM remains attuned to the needs of others at the expense of his own.
Son Attuned To Mother: He Loses His Identity
not attuned to

14. How can a relationship with a parent be considered incestuous without actual sexual touch?

15. Enmeshment and Sexual Unfolding
Enmeshment inverts the parent-child bond and leaves child over-eroticized and over-stimulated with the parent (no boundaries)
Sexuality is filled with intense conflict- shrouded in danger, taboo, ambivalence, and shame
Sexuality is split off, fragments or compartments are created
Unencumbered erotic desire needed for bonding
Adult love relationships become gateway to disappointment and loss

16. My mother was the only parent there for me
My mother was the only parent there for me. I feel so guilty thinking of having my own life. How can I abandon her?

17. Intrusion
Intrusion of parent’s needs and demands into child’s psychic, emotional, and sexual world
Child’s separation causes parent to feel abandoned - will intrude into child’s world even harder
Child’s self is unable to “unfold", parent molds child as an extension of their own narcissistic wish (e.g., be the man your father isn’t), must fragment
“True” self goes into hiding and “false” self emerges and becomes compulsively attuned to the feelings and needs of others

18. How do I set boundaries with others without them feeling hurt or being angry with me?

19. Boundary Considerations
Getting together
Phone calls
Physical touch
Topics of conversation e.g.:
I don’t respond to my mother’s criticisms of my dad
I don’t talk to her about my dad
I say out loud to them both that I don’t want to talk with either of them about their conflict
Money

20. Basic Strategies for Holding on to Self
Wait 24 hours - “ I need to think about this and get back to you”
Develop interest and hobbies
Build friendships and decrease tendency to be dependent on only one person
Set boundaries around the amount of time you will give to mom/dad
Screen calls, wait to respond
Pace romantic involvement, hold boundaries tight in early part of relationship

21. Steps in Setting Boundaries
Make a list of ten most burdensome, inappropriate things you do for mom from most to least damaging
Write down a few statements that are clear and specific ways to set limits e.g.,“ I can’t talk now, I will call tomorrow”
Identify feelings that arise during rehearsal
List that behaviors your mother does that trigger the guilt and disloyalty response e.g., weepy, angry, threatening, martyrdom, silent, etc.
Develop new beliefs that counter guilt and fear response

22. Why is so hard for me to commit to a romantic partner?

23. The Disloyalty Bind Sphere Of Enmeshment MEM Wife Partner Girlfriend
MOTHER
Emotionally
Disconnected
FATHER

24. In his unconscious – and sometimes conscious – mind, a mother-enmeshed man (MEM) is representing his mother’s interests, while his own have become secondary. If he does something he thinks she wouldn’t like, he feels disloyal to her. If he “gets serious” about a woman, suddenly, without understanding why, he is overwhelmed with feelings of fear, anxiety, and guilt. Ambivalence and withdrawal inevitably follow.
From: When He’s Married to Mom: Helping Mother Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment by Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D. with Alexander P. Morgan

25. I married a man who is his mothers surrogate husband
I married a man who is his mothers surrogate husband. I am always second to her when he sorts out his priorities. How can I get him to see that he is hurting our marriage?

26. Partners Concern’s and Issues
Frustrated by lack of availability and commitment of partner
Tries harder to persuade partner to commit
Blames self for sexual or emotional rejection
Feels like “other” woman in relationship to mom
Accommodates or compromises to hang onto relationship
May have lost years to the relationship and tries even harder to persuade commitment when loss is felt
Often comes from a family in which she was cast in the role of being a caretaker or over responsible

27. I can’t stop womanizing
I can’t stop womanizing. Is it related to my covert incest with my mother?

28. Sex Addiction and Covert Incest
Sexual addiction is a perceived gateway to emotional and sexual freedom - It temporarily reassures a damaged, entrapped, and ambivalent sexual self
Sexual addiction is not disloyal, allows the CI survivor to avoid the trap of loyalty to the parent while asserting sexual freedom
It permits discharge of the rage and anger and allows the covert incest survivor to reject and disappoint the partner, which is not allowed by the parent

29. Are there any differences when a daughter is the surrogate companion to her mother?

30. I tried avoiding men like my father all my life, but I seemed to have picked another just like him-demanding, jealous, controlling. How did that happen?

31. What if I’m a single parent?

32. Guidelines for Parents
Be aware
Be reassuring and address his/her needs
Seek adult connections
Set healthy boundaries
Create and maintain strong bond with both parents
Build strong bond with partner
Maintain appropriate boundaries for conflict between parents

33. I’ve identified with many of these characteristics, but can I really be happy and content?

34. Transference and Countertransference Issues
T: Dependency, will be in role “good pt” rather than true self, may feel that they are putting therapist out and not want to return, feel therapist is also controlling if too much advice, feel the therapy process is smothering
CT: Pressure the pt to separate too quickly from parent, too much advice and intervention too quickly, getting angry at parent, failing to validate enmeshment (own enmeshment issues), trying to fix -overinvolvment

35. www. drkenadams. com Facebook: Dr Kenneth M
Facebook: Dr Kenneth M. Adams

36. Bibliography
When He’s Married To Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment- Adams, K. with Morgan, A.
Silently Seduced: When Parent’s Make Their Children Partners, Understanding Covert Incest - Adams, K.
Clinical Management of Sex Addiction- Carnes, P. & Adams, K.
The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What To Do When A Parent’s Love Rules Your Life- Love, P. with Robinson, J.
Mother’s, Son’s, and Lovers: How A Man’s Relationship With His Mother Affects The Rest of His Life - Gurian, M.
Lost Childhoods: The Plight of the Parentified Child Jukovic, G.