1. Reducing Bullying
April 10, 2014
Denyse Perry

2. Afternoon Agenda Understand the problem of “bullying”
Look at the broader system in which aggressive behavior is one outcome
Expose the brain’s (subversive) role in the system
See aggressive behavior as a result of environmental influences
Use this understanding to develop new strategies
Create an intention for what needs to be done
Empathic connection
Practice new tools and skills to support the intention
Understanding the problem of “bullying” so we can find better solutions (how biology and the environment influence adolescent behavior and adult responses to adolescent behavior, understanding risk-taking, resistance and counter-will)
Understanding what is “normal” versus what is “natural” (developing curiosity around cultural norms, understanding the biology of behavior – that it is largely subconscious, automatic and habitual, understanding enemy images)
Creating a clear intention in this effort to reduce aggressive behavior (personal responsibility through deep connection, trust and cooperation versus straight compliance and accountability)
Inviting changes in behavior (creating conditions for learning & growth, getting kids to want to change, power “with “ versus power “over”, connecting authentically versus leveraging authority, seeking commitment versus compliance, understanding/hearing feelings and needs versus thinking, how SROs can support change creating a language that supports clear, objective and authentic connection, authentic listening, being “present”)

3. Conflict occurs when
We think there is only one way or one person to meet a need
When the strategy chosen to meet a need means that some other important need will not be met
We need to find ways to meet everyone’s needs

4. Understanding aggressive behavior
What makes this problem so important?
What is the problem about?
What is the best approach for addressing it?

5. Key Concepts Seeing the “bully” through a new lens
A product of his/her environment (biological, relational, cultural)
More than likely acting subconsciously – instinctively, impulsively
A result of chronic stress, adolescent brain adaptation and other non-intentional factors
Treating the real problem by providing empathic connection, and support
Replacing punishment and zero tolerance with a desire to understand, be curious and approach safety as a “protective use of force”
To make every interaction a nano-shift in this direction

7. EMPATHY & COMPASSION
Empathy is the ability to see the world as another person, to share and understand another person’s feelings, needs, concerns and/or emotional state. Empathy is not agreeing.
Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy is actually feeling their pain.
Compassion is empathy with the added desire to help.

8. The most important change we can make to reduce bullying
Empathic connection
This afternoon, we learn why …

9. Ross Greene YouTube
Kids do well if they can.
Ross Greene

10. The Solution
To address the cause and reduce the problem is in a broad sense to:
Adopt a compassionate attitude when we work with the child
Create an empathic and authentic connection with the child
Ideally facilitate the attachment of the child with a caring and competent adult
As mentors, develop skills and tools to model healthy and calming interactions
Communication (verbal, nonverbal), word choice
Setting an intention of who we want to “be” in any interaction, even difficult ones
Pausing, breathing
Encouraging release of calming hormone, oxytocin to interrupt or offset flow on stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline.
Replacing certainty, assumption and judgment with curiosity

11. What % of your day is dealing with aggressive behavior?
0-20%
20-40%
40-50%
50-60%
60-70%
70-80%
80-90%
90-100%
What is the physical, emotional and financial cost?

12. The physical and emotional cost
How would you rate the stress levels of dealing with this type of problem on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the highest stress?
How would you rate the stress of your job overall?
APA finds about 25% of the population experiencing high levels of stress (8 or >) while another 50% experience moderate levels (4-7)
This is over and about the 26% of the population that is already diagnosed with some form of mental illness.

13. The cost of stress
Chronic mild stress can mean more susceptibility to sickness, being overweight, difficult sleeping, less sex drive, and increased risk of more stress
Additional stress is created because access to problem solving, decision making and social/relational skills is impeded which creates a cycle of social emotional issues
It’s harder to relate, manage difficulty, focus and sleep
If stress levels are high and chronic, the health risks become significant …

14. The cost of high levels of chronic stress
Obesity
Heart disease
Cancer
Diabetes
aggression
Depression
Anxiety
Other mental illness
Loneliness
Estrangement
Discomfort
Separateness

15. Law Enforcement Marriage
“We all know that the divorce rate for the nation sits right at about 50%, but did you know that the rate for officers is 60-75%? Staggering numbers when you really consider it. Approximately one quarter of the officers who are married will still be married to that same spouse at the end of their careers. One quarter.”
November 3, 2013
LAW ENFORCEMENT TODAY

16. The effects are far reaching

17. It is a serious problem to us
What about our kids: Effect on the child at the other end of the behavior Effect on the witnesses – very high Effect on the child who is behaving in a bullying way

26. What happened? What can be done?

27. What makes the problem so important?

28. Characteristics of the Bully
2013 copyright Sarah Peyton
Characteristics of the Bully
Impulsive
Dominant
Aggressive
Easily make friends (are not loners)
Popular
Comfortable with violence
Socially adept (may be cold and subtly manipulative)
Hold in-group/out-group mentality
A form of control and attention
Lacking skills & tools;
Asking for love, attention and support,
To family members and peers
Anger management
Lack of adult modeling
Lack of understanding of behavior

29. Family Characteristics of Bullies
2013 copyright Sarah Peyton
Family Characteristics of Bullies
Lack of warmth and emotional support
Lack of parental and family support
Rigid enforcement of rules
Use of threats and bribes
Uninvolved parents
Lack of supervision
Inconsistent and corporal punishment
Poor moods
Bullying of siblings
Maltreatment by a parent
Use of humiliation
Violence – nearly twice as likely to have been exposed to domestic violence
Negative family functioning
p. 47, Strauss
2013 copyright Sarah Peyton

30. Bullying Video Bully Richard Gale Interview (Bully of Casey Heynes)
/watch?v=__IjcLVBBYc

31. Causes of Bullying Negative family function
Too much control by parents
Abuse
Neglect
Sibling bullying
Being bullied
On rare occasion a genetic predisposition

32. Kids don’t believe they’ll get help
In a survey of American middle and high school students, “66 percent of victims of bullying believed school professionals responded poorly to the bullying problems that they observed.”
Other reasons the kids gave for not telling include:
Feeling shame at not being able to stand up for themselves
Fearing they would not be believed
Not wanting to worry their parents
Having no confidence that anything would change as a result
Thinking their parents’ or teacher’s advice would make the problem worse
Heartbreaking that children are not only experiencing bullying, but don’t trust the reaction of the adults around them enough to get help

33. Help for the aggressive child
Children who are bullied are not finding the reactions from their parents. Children who bully are also not finding help.
Some schools have zero tolerance for bullying. Children get sent home for bullying, but no support to change the behavior.
Other times when children bully, adults around them don’t know what to do.
In attempt to name the behavior as wrong, the child may perceive themselves as also wrong.
Children are labeled “the bully” and those around them have a static impressions of whether or not the child can truly change behavior.
A focus only on the harm experienced by child who was bullied does not create space for the child who is bullying to hope that their needs will be acknowledged.

34. 1. Where it all began – the lizard brain

35. The Evolution of the Brain
The brain evolved from the
stem of the spine out and up.
The amygdala is the control center for the primitive, and still dominant, fight/flight impulse.
The newest, most sophisticated, executive functioning part of the human brain is the prefrontal cortex (PFC) behind the forehead.

36. Primitive brain = Survival Instinct
Amygdala constantly seeks threat
primary function is survival
Fight/flight/freeze response activated when “triggered”
Stress hormones cortisol & adrenaline are released preparing body for action
responds to physical or emotional threat or an important unmet need
Doesn’t distinguish between fantasy or reality
Activation of the F/F/F cuts off access to the PFC and with this the ability to problem solve, make decisions, regulate emotions and perform other executive functions.

37. Prefrontal Cortex Integrates:
Me - self
You – empathy
We - relational
The purpose of adolescent brain development is to integrate the brain
To link different areas of the brain to allow more sophisticated functions to emerge (so the whole is better than the sum of its parts)
How? During adolescence the brain is remodeling
Pruning (what you don’t use) so it can specialize
Myelination for efficiency – also disciplined practice

38. Limbic region Where emotions come from
Motivation – should I bother doing this thing?
Evaluation – how to get this process turned on so the student will pay attention
Memory
Attachment – our mammalian capacity to have a child dependent on the parent for survival
Adolescents have emotional spark

39. Effect of stress on behavior
Stress hormones
Amygdala
Executive Functioning
PFC

40. The 2 basic states of the brain
Reactive or receptive
NO or yes
Can’t learn or communicate optimally if you are threatened
Can’t engage in a supporting, connecting
Fight, flight, freeze or faint (vasil vagal response)
Temperate (genetic) or attachment (experiential) determines the response

41. We are in Social-Engagement when we
Make eye contact
Vocalize with an appealing inflection and rhythm
Display contingent facial expressions
Modulate the middle-ear muscles to distinguish the human voice from background sounds more efficiently

42. We are in Fight or Flight when
2013 copyright Sarah Peyton
We are in Fight or Flight when
We are afraid or angry
We have an increase in heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, muscle tone
We want to take action to protect, defend or get away

43. We are in Freeze when We no longer want to move (fall in energy)
2013 copyright Sarah Peyton
We are in Freeze when
We no longer want to move (fall in energy)
Our heart rate, blood pressure, respiration and muscle tone decrease
Eyelids droop (not in sleepiness)
Voice loses inflection
Positive facial expressions dwindle
Awareness of the sound of the human voice becomes less acute
Sensitivity to other’s social engagement behaviors decreases

44. The impact of chronic activation of stress hormones
Biologically the threat response is meant for occasional activation. Physical exertion balances the physiological changes and normal functioning is maintained.
Most threat is emotional with no physical exertion which is not considered normal by the body and results in:
High blood pressure, digestive problems, sleep problems, weight problems
Anxiety, depression, memory & concentration impairment, aggression, fatigue
Impact of long term stress on Children
(video URL

45. Rewiring the brain - Neuroplasticity
Neuroscientists now know that our brains are plastic and changing throughout our lives.
They also know that we humans, by virtue of having a cortex, have the ability to influence neural structure, thinking, choices, habits and behavior.
This is called neuroplasticity and it has been proven true in altering conditions from depression, anxiety, aggression, stress and conflict management.
There is an interpersonal component as well with evidence the brain is wired to interact socially and attune to one another.
Stroking premature babies for 10 minutes a day promotes brain development. The brain responds to touch, attachment, connection.

46. What % of decisions are conscious?
0-20%
20-40%
40-60%
60-80%
80-90%
90-100%

47. We create our own reality
Stories
Judgment, Assumptions, Labels
Habits
Brain prioritizes efficiency:
Habits
Judgment
Assumptions
Labels
Our brains create our stories subconsciously and retells them over and over again, tweaking as convenient, without our approval.
blaming(Moralistic) judgments implying wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values
Blaming, insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment
Attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting
Demands that implicitly or explicitly threaten listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply
Denial of responsibility via language that obscures awareness of personal responsibility (“I had to”, rules, actions of others, roles, impulses)
Making Comparisons between people

48. We have two Hemispheres

49. 2013 copyright Sarah Peyton
Right prefrontal cortex qualities: (and qualities that counteract bullying)
Regulation of body systems
Attuned communication
Emotional balance
Calming the amygdala (modulating fear)
Response flexibility
Empathy
Intuition
Morality

50. The Hemispheres Have Different Tasks:
Left:
Narrow focus, the known
Is in charge of approach and speaking in conversation
Other people are tools
Tracks details
Builds categories
Can discern and differentiate
Makes patterns from the specific
Right:
Uncertainty, newness, broad scope
Is in charge of listening and the non-verbal, making space for the other
Understands emotion and the soul, the individual
The new, the novel, the specific
Attends to the big picture
Metaphor and poetry

51. Divided brain
Left narrow focus to detail (finding seeds, known), right is broad (unknown, change, connection)
Frontal lobe is to stop immediacy, stand back, outwitting the other party (Machiavellian) and also to empathize and make bonds, is uniquely human
Right hemisphere is newer, understanding, disposition for living,
Not reason or imagination, need both hemispheres
Started long ago to drift to left hemisphere, very convincing, controlling
The right hemisphere does not have a voice
Knowledge of parts and wisdom of whole
Rationality grounded in intuition
Need to return to right hemisphere, the intuitive mind is sacred
“The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”

52. Your brain is just another organ. It is not you
Your brain is just another organ. It is not you. Build skills in becoming aware of the thinking that is not working for you.

53. Brain effects of bullying
Exposure to parental verbal abuse is associated with increased gray matter volume in superior temporal gyrus.
Akemi Tomoda, Yi-Shin Sheu, Keren Rabi, Hanako Suzuki, Carryl P Navalta, Ann Polcari, Martin H Teicher
Department of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Boston, MA, USA.
NeuroImage (impact factor: 5.74). 01/2011; 54 Suppl 1:S DOI: /j.neuroimage
2013 copyright Sarah Peyton

54. Effects of Bullying Reduces volume in the PFC where we:
Interpret our social world, process our emotional responses, perceive meaning and language and where we self-express
Teens – being ostracized by one’s peers can throw adolescent hormones even further out of whack, lead to reduced connectivity in the brain, and even sabotage the growth of new neurons.
Limbic region – memory is compromised
Corpus callosum damage
The researchers found that the more exposure to peer verbal abuse subjects reported, the more likely they were to be experiencing anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, dissociation, or drug use – effects that can be linked to damage to the corpus callosum.
PTSD

55. 2013 copyright Sarah Peyton
PTSD
In the short-term, bullied children show cognitive damage and a tendency toward poor school performance. In the long term, cumulative brain trauma can lead, some psychiatrists to diagnose Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in adults, depending on the severity and duration of the childhood bullying. This is a crucial insight–just as we know physical abuse by adults creates lasting damage in children, it’s becoming clearer that verbal or emotional abuse by a child’s peers is enough to create lasting, measurable damage in a child even as she or he grows older.
Read more:
2013 copyright Sarah Peyton

56. Cortisol - Quote
cortisol may, in fact, underlie many of the adverse effects of bullying: It can weaken the functioning of the immune system, and at high levels can damage and even kill neurons in the hippocampus, potentially leading to memory problems that could make academics more difficult. Indeed, Vaillancourt has already found that teens who are bullied perform worse on tests of verbal memory than their peers. One of her next studies involves trying to get at this question directly: She will be putting some of her subjects, now ages 16 and 17, into an MRI machine to look for evidence of damage to the hippocampus.
2013 copyright Sarah Peyton

57. Effects of corpus callosum damage
2013 copyright Sarah Peyton
Effects of corpus callosum damage
The researchers found that the more exposure to peer verbal abuse subjects reported, the more likely they were to be experiencing anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, dissociation, or drug use – effects that can be linked to damage to the corpus callosum.

58. Things adults should know about the brain
The idea that “it’s genetic” and brain function is permanent is untrue:
Temperament and outlook is genetic – and alterable
Most of what we do is habit
The brain is able to change throughout our lives with intention and practice (neuroplasticity)
The brain has 2 states; reactive or receptive
Interact from a “yes” if you want to be received

59. Rewiring the brain - Neuroplasticity
Neuroscientists now know that our brains are plastic and changing throughout our lives.
They also know that we humans, by virtue of having a cortex, have the ability to influence neural structure, thinking, choices, habits and behavior.
This is called neuroplasticity and it has been proven true in altering conditions from depression, anxiety, aggression, stress and conflict management.
There is an interpersonal component as well with evidence the brain is wired to interact socially and attune to one another.
Stroking premature babies for 10 minutes a day promotes brain development. The brain responds to touch, attachment, connection.

60. What to expect from our kids courtesy of the adolescent brain
Sensitive – over-reactive
Bored one minute – taking risks the next
Hyper rational thinking means they really do know the risks
Extremely drawn to peers and fitting in

61. The adolescent brain Emotional spark from active limbic region
Trigger quickly but recover in 90 seconds
Impulsivity in early teens
Social engagement for peer connection
Peer pressure and influence is enormous
But primed for collaboration (more important than IQ in life)
Novelty for preparation of independence
Dopamine draws to pleasure
2 things happen with dopamine
base line is much lower which means more prone to boredom
Release level is higher which encourages risk taking
Hyper rational thinking - imbalanced

62. Hyper Rational thinking - Risk Taking: What to do about it
“I’m trying to be like everyone else whose trying not to be like anyone else”.
To access Neural networks around the heart and the intestines/gut (through the vassal nerve)
Heart-felt sense and gut-feeling are real - this allows self awareness
This is important because it gives access to internal compass – to positive values that draws on intuition
When emotions say “I think I’ll drive 90 mph through town.” Don’t say don’t do it, it’s dangerous”. They’ll do opposite.
Get them to ask themselves “what am I looking for here?” emotions say “this is so exciting, low risk of death. Let’s do it!”
Pause, build the skill to say “I am aware of a feeling in my heart that tells me this doesn’t feel right - an intuition. My emotions say it’s good, my gut says it’s not right.

63. Mental Illness begins at early adolescence
Major psychiatric disorders have onset at adolescence 12-24
Because of pruning process
if you are genetically vulnerable or if you have had trauma your brain is set up with an insufficient number of neurons
Pruning process means half neurons are lost

64. Brain Function Summary
Subconscious impulse and instinct drive thinking and behavior:
The brain is on alert and under stress far more than is normal with significant negative, immediate and long term physiological and emotional health impact
Habit and automation dominate decision making
We are biologically driven to assume, judge, blame, evaluate, and label. We look for difference and we see the problem.
Objectivity, conscious thought and the ability to manage behavior is only possible with purposeful activation of the PFC.
Where is the control? Where is the intention?

65. What just happened? What is the truth?
Basketball video
Number of throws?
Did you see the lady?
Video url:

66. Dan Siegel – the Adolescent Brain
YouTube url:
Please listen from 1:00 on
Gut feeling and intuition …

67. Bullying is a complex system of interdependent factors
Aggressive Behavior
Societal/Cultural
Biology
Relationships
To understand the problem requires an understanding of the system
Today we do this through the gift of technological innovation in neuroscience (fMRI imaging)
More importantly through our connection, our dialogue - working together to embrace our sameness, our diversity and our interdependence.

68. Focus of change Factor Actions Managing stress Reattaching
Lack of attachment
Communication/conflict skills
Parental aggression/abuse
Nourishment
The teen brain
School climate
Managing stress
Reattaching
Building communication and conflict skills
Providing food
Embracing teen brain
Engaging in climate efforts

69. Afternoon Agenda Part 1: Part 2:
A deeper understanding of the system contributing to aggression
brain biology
Relationships
Societal/cultural influences
An understanding of unmet needs
Part 2:
Creating compassionate connection and understanding by:
Creating an intention of how to interact with every child
Interrupting the trigger within the adult and the child
Listening and acknowledging objectively and empathically
Identifying unmet needs
Requesting present positive action

70. Every action is an attempt to meet a need.
Marshall Rosenberg Youtube
Every action is an attempt to meet a need.
Marshall Rosenberg

71. The Summary – The root of Bullying Behavior
The root of the cause likely has to do with one or all of the following:
Ineffective anger/stress management skills
Environmental factors (relational, social, cultural) that have impacted the biology of the child
Relational factors include familial experiences (abuse, neglect, poor modeling, sibling bullying), peers or experiences with people in the community (police)
Social or cultural factors including media influences
Biological factors tracing to natural brain function (threat response) as well as neurological damage/alterations from chronic stress due to the factors listed above
Lack of “attachment” with a caring and competent adult resulting in a defendedness against adult trust, counter-will, peer orientation
The cause may seem to be intentional bad behavior but science and research indicate the more likely explanation is defensive instinct and impulse due to chronic emotional stress and lack of skills and tools

72. Unmet Needs are at the center of Relational Conflict
Behavior
Feelings
Needs
Safety, financial security
Attachment
Love & belonging
Food, Rest
Self-worth, meaning
Being valued
Connection to others
Autonomy, independence,
Having choices
Having control
Trust, respect
Understanding
Validation
Individuality
Solitude …

73. Attachment
Attachment is our mammalian capacity to have a child dependent on the parent for survival
We need attachment until the day we die
Limbic region genetically programmed to push away at adolescence to prepare for independence
We attach to peers instead; we need them to survive; we feel being and

74. The importance of attachment
Its not about earning – every child needs to be attached to at least one caring and competent adult
Kids need a home base – someone to provide a place of retreat – just knowing –
Evokes the desire to be good for those attached to
Children have instincts to be good and bad, threat or reward – just like us

75. What is your intention?
Are you ready to give empathy in every situation? Isolate the behaviors that may not have been as intentional as they seem? Unconditional positive regard? Dignity? Respect? Compassion?

76. Summary Address the problem in order to stop it:
Create adult connections for kids who have none
Replace punishment and judgment with empathy, support and compassionate guidance
Replace zero tolerance with “the protective use of force” (a nonviolent communication expression)
Model compassionate communication and conflict resolution
Use natural tools available to each of us at any time:
Release oxytocin, say “yes”, be curious

77. Compassionate Communication in Difficult Situations
The Tools

78. What is your intention?
I will hold this as my intention in any interaction, particularly with any child, regardless of circumstance:

79. Tools Use “yes” as much as possible
Make a no, a “yes, no, yes”. Yes to something important, no to the request (“and I can’t let you do this”), yes to something else.
Curiosity helps understanding much better than assumption, judgment and labeling

80. Achieving Connection through Empathic Understanding
 Goal = Make a Connection. Always connect first.
Phase 1 – Preparation
1) Set an Intention – how do you want to “be” in the world?
2) Become self-aware – notice the thinking and events that cause you to trigger
3) Practice pausing – as a first response to the “trigger” (breathe, smile, yawn, touch)

81. Connect Phase 2 – Connecting
1) Remember your intention – expect it will be forgotten when you need it most
2) Invite your connection – smile, say name, greet
In person
Electronically as well –

82. Empathic Support Phase 3 – Giving Empathic Support
1) Listen with full presence – listening is not waiting to speak
2) Acknowledge with empathy – reflect back what you heard, with a feeling if possible
3) Help identify the unmet need – help discover the source of their feelings or discomfort 
4) Request the opportunity to provide support – ask how you can help

83. Requests Phase 4 – Making requests
1) Share an observation – a neutral expression of what is affecting you
2) Share your feeling – if this is appropriate. If not, simply name it to yourself
3) State your need – share what this is about for you (value, wish, dream, want)
4) Make a request – say what you are hoping for in a doable, concrete and present form

84. Interrupting a Trigger
be curious
remember your intention
slow your speech
breathe
ask for a pause

85. Activity: Know thy “trigger”
What does the trigger signal?
____________________________________________________
Why is that important?
What does your trigger feel like in you?
How can you use the trigger to your advantage?

86. Resources
Kids do well if they can – Ross Greene, child psychologist, author of “Lost at School”
Every action is an attempt to fulfill a need – Marshall Rosenberg, author/founder of “Nonviolent communication” (NVC)
Hold on to your kids – Gordon Neufeld, adolescent development specialist, author of “Hold on to your Kids”