1. LANGUAGES OF APPRECIATION
DR. GARY CHAPMAN
AND
DR. PAUL WHITE
Presented by Monique Litherland
Royal Valley High School

3. WHY SHOULD EMPLOYERS CARE?
Remaining fiscally solid
Biggest employee-related concerns include retention and burn-out
Being appreciated leads to greater work satisfaction
More employee satisfaction leads to greater customer service
People must feel appreciated in order to feel valued, enjoy their job and work productively over the long-term
Time and energy involved in hiring and training new employees is disliked by employers. Big disruption…
In this economic time, it is difficult for employers to even keep the same jobs much less give pay raises. So it has become even more important for them to retain their quality employees and maintain a positive morale.
Why would you do your best work if no one ever noticed or appreciated you?
“Most managers (89 percent) believe employees leave for more money, while only 11 percent of managers believe employees leave for other reasons. However, in reality, only 12 percent of employees reported leaving for more money, while 88 percent of employees state they leave for reasons other than money.” Typical reason given for leaving is more psychological in nature including not feeling trusted or valued.

4. Consider what happens if the physical need for water, food, and rest aren’t accurately perceived or met by others.
Someone wants to help our physical needs. “But if you are thirsty for a glass of water, and they offer you a seat to rest upon—it’s nice, but it doesn’t quench your thirst. Or if you are exhausted from working outside all day and a friend gives you a snack but doesn’t let you sit down to rest, the food may temporarily give you a boost of energy but the action doesn’t fully give you the rest you desire. Similarly, acts of encouragement or demonstrations of appreciation in ways that are not meaningful to a coworker may be appreciated as a nice gesture, but one’s deeper need for appreciation remains unmet.”

5. WHY SHOULD YOU CARE? Way to show respect
Increases morale, makes a more positive workplace, class or home
More likely to get others to cooperate with you
Partners will be more productive when you have to complete projects together
Golden rule: Do unto others…
More fun while still accomplishing tasks
Good manners – should be common sense, but I speak in the language I want to hear. Need to be aware of other languages and use them.
Manipulation – depends upon attitude. Hopefully we are speaking in these languages all the time and not just when we want something. Short-term vs. long-term.

6. THE FIVE LAUGUAGES OF APPRECIATION
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Tangible Gifts
Physical Touch

7. THE FIVE LAUGUAGES OF APPRECIATION
Which language do you speak?
Complete the quiz or complete the MBA – “Motivating by Appreciation” Inventory

8. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION Must be specific
The generic “good job” can actually be detrimental especially if overused
Praise accomplishments, character traits, and personality traits
Good praise or words of affirmation requires you to know the other person and have taken time to observe them

9. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION Personal, one-on-one Praise in front of others
How and Where to Affirm
Personal, one-on-one
Praise in front of others
Written affirmation
Public affirmation

10. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION Missing the Mark
Tone of Voice – monotone, low volume, sarcastic
Body Language – rolling eyes, angry facial expression poor eye contact
Neglect or Procrastination
DON’T DO THESE THINGS!

11. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION Making it Personal
Can you recall a time within the last week when you verbally affirmed a coworker/ classmate? If so, what did you say? How did they respond to your affirmation?
Have you received a verbal affirmation from a manager/ coworker/teacher/classmate within the past week? If so, what did they say? How did you feel?
On a scale of 0-10, how important to you is receiving words of affirmation?

12. QUALITY TIME
Individual time and undivided attention with the manager/ teacher/ leader
Quality conversations: empathetic dialogue of sharing thoughts, feelings, and desires, in a friendly, uninterrupted context

13. Practical Tips for Listening
QUALITY TIME
Practical Tips for Listening
Maintain eye contact
Don’t multi-task
Listen for feelings as well as thoughts – ask for confirmation and clarification
Affirm feelings even if you disagree
Observe body language – clues to real feelings
Refuse to interrupt
“My goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings; my objective is not to defend myself or set you straight. It is to understand you. Understanding builds positive relationships; defensiveness creates enemies.”
Once you understand them and communicate that, they will be more willing to listen and attempt to understand you. A great foundation for conflict resolution and problem solving.

14. QUALITY TIME Other Dialects
Sharing Experiences: traveling together, going out to eat, attending events together, retreats…
Small Group Dialogue: more comfortable sharing ideas in small group than one-on-one – less intimidating
Working in Close Proximity with Others while completing project
Research shows that men whose primary appreciation language is Quality Time usually prefer shared experiences as opposed to long sit-down conversations. They build relationships by doing things together (golfing, hunting, fishing, attending sporting events…)

15. QUALITY TIME Missing the Mark
Going through the motions – traditions like going to dinner to celebrate
Must be done with positive attitude
DON’T DO THESE THINGS
Example: Going out to dinner to celebrate promotions… Everyone there physically but not emotionally. Evidenced by showing up late, not interacting with anyone else, being critical of the restaurant, generally exuding a bad mood
Requires a positive attitude. When you do something resentfully out of a sense of obligation, the message sent is not “You are valued” but rather, “I have more important things to do than being here with you.” Additionally, communicating a sense of being rushed (by looking at your watch frequently), or allowing yourself to be interrupted by your cell phone or texting does not demonstrate a sense of value to others. Genuine appreciation always requires sincerity.

16. QUALITY TIME Making it Personal
If you felt that your supervisor/ teacher/ classmate really wanted to hear your ideas, what suggestions would you make?
When you have free time with coworkers/ classmates, do you often ask about their personal interests? Do you wish that they would ask about yours?
Have you had a “quality conversation” with a coworker/ classmate within the past week? How did you feel as you walked away?

17. ACTS OF SERVICE When others pitch in and help get things done
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
Actions speak louder than words. “Don’t tell me you care; show me.”
Help someone with a computer issue, get things off a high shelf
“When our focus is on ‘getting ahead’ personally or reaching one’s goals regardless of the impact on others, internal tension often sabotages growth. True leadership requires a willingness to serve others – either one’s customers or one’s colleagues. When others know someone is working as hard as they can and they are still behind, if a colleague or manager assists that worker in getting the task done, it can be extremely encouraging to everyone.”

18. ACTS OF SERVICE Effective Service
Make sure your own responsibilities are covered before volunteering to help others
Ask before you help
Serve willingly & voluntarily (not because someone made you do it)
Have a cheerful attitude
Do it their way
Complete what you start or explain your time limit for helping

19. ACTS OF SERVICE How to Help Stay late to help finish project
Offer to do menial task that will allow me to focus on higher priorities
Volunteer to do something I dislike doing
Give computer help or clean up equipment at end of day
Bring food when working late

20. ACTS OF SERVICE Missing the Mark Have a negative attitude
Bring along feelings of stress, reluctance or obligation
If you serve with in a begrudging manner or feel resentment, you will actually demotivate rather than encourage.
DON’T DO THESE THINGS
You must be sincere and genuine for acts of service to be effective

21. ACTS OF SERVICE Making it Personal
What is one act of service someone has done for you in the past week? How did it make you feel?
What is an act of service you did for someone else in the past week? How do you think it made them feel?
Consider asking someone “Is there anything I could do for you that would make your work easier?” If you can do what they request, why not?

22. TANGIBLE GIFTS
Sharing company tickets
Buying tickets to events (sports & cultural)
Gift cards
Giving time off (day or leave early)
Weekend at hotel
Certificates to a spa, massage, manicure…
More often than not, the gifts most appreciated are “experiences” rather than “things”.

23. TANGIBLE GIFTS Very Powerful
The right gift communicates thanks, appreciation, and encouragement for people that speak this language
The wrong gift can actually offend

24. TANGIBLE GIFTS Key Components
Give gifts primarily to those individuals who appreciate them
Give gifts the person will value (football vs. ballet tickets)
If the goal is to appreciate your employees/students… then you must speak their primary appreciation language. The gift must be meaningful to the individual. To give no gifts out of frustration in attempting to find the right one, will leave some people feeling deeply unappreciated.

25. TANGIBLE GIFTS Missing the Mark
Thoughtless gifts – those gifts bought quickly in response to tradition or obligation- with no real personal investment of time or reflection not only miss the mark but also give a negative message.
Company mugs, pens, calendars… are for publicity, not gifts of appreciation

26. TANGIBLE GIFTS Making it Personal
What gifts have you received in the past year? How did you feel upon receiving the gift?
What kind of gifts do you most appreciate?
What gifts have you given coworkers/classmates during the past year? How did they respond?

27. PHYSICAL TOUCH
Implicit touches are subtle, require only a moment, and given without thought.
Pat on back
Quick handshake
High five
Fist bump

28. PHYSICAL TOUCH
Explicit touches normally require more thought and time.
Extended handshake while expressing gratitude.
Giving a neck rub to someone that has worked all day on a computer.
Hugs during time of personal crisis.

29. PHYSICAL TOUCH
The type of physical touch appropriate depends upon the person, type of work relationship, and organizational subculture.
Differing amounts of comfortableness among people.
For example, there is more touching in elementary school than in high school.
Comfortableness depends upon culture and personality.

30. PHYSICAL TOUCH Importance
Babies who are held, hugged, and touched tenderly develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.
Residents in a nursing home that receive affirming touches have a more positive spirit and generally do better physically than those who are not touched.

31. PHYSICAL TOUCH
Adults also need physical touch, but frequently it is the least important language in the workplace when compared to the other four languages.

32. PHYSICAL TOUCH
Observe coworker/classmate to see what physical touch they initiate.
Watch for body language to see if coworker/classmate is irritated or affirmed.
If they stiffen up or withdraw, then back off.
If you are a “touchy-feely” person, ask if your behavior irritates them.
If someone’s touch makes you uncomfortable, tell them to make it stop.

33. PHYSICAL TOUCH
BEWARE!!!
Different perceptions of appropriateness – sexual harassment or abuse
People that have or are victims of physical abuse may react defensively to quick physical movements by others. They often need more personal space.
If you “miss the mark” on physical touch, you can do much emotional damage and might need to hire a lawyer for yourself for sexual harassment or assault.

34. PHYSICAL TOUCH Making it Personal
What types of physical touch in the workplace or classroom do you consider affirming?
What kinds of touches make you feel uncomfortable?
Among your coworkers/ classmates, who are the “touchers”? Can you reciprocate?
If touching comes easy for you, whom have you encountered who seemed to draw back from touching?

35. Now, I dare you to go use your knowledge about languages of appreciation to create a better workplace, school, and home.

36. FOR YOUR OWN COPY Monique Litherland Royal Valley High School
RV337.com
look in RVHS to find my teacher webpage and download it