2Presentation Disclaimer Every Family System is UniqueEvery Teenager is UniqueBrain FunctioningGenetic TemperamentSome Approaches are Better Suited to Different Adolescents
3The Family System: What Does a Child Need The adolescent belongs to a systemWhat is going on in that system?Developmental ChangesConnection - Regulation – AutonomyConnection- emotional bondRegulation- rules and structureAutonomy- independence (emotional, spiritual, intellectual, relational)
4Connection Love languages Regulation is related to love Can you love to much?No! Don’t confuse love and control.
5Love Languages Everyone has a Love Tank We Receive Love Differently There are Five Primary Love LanguagesWords of AffirmationPhysical TouchQuality TimeActs of ServiceGifts
630 Second Love Language Test I feel loved when people express how grateful they are for me, and for the simple things I doI feel especially loved when a person gives me undivided attention and spends time with meI feel especially loved by someone who brings me gifts and other tangible expressions of loveI feel especially loved when others do things for meI feel especially loved when a person expresses love through physical contact
7Words of Affirmation Love Language #1 During and Unsure Time They Need to be AssuredWords of Praise (focus on behavior)Be SincereBe SpecificWords of Affection (focus on teenager)“I love you”When and Where“I enjoy you”“You’ are _____ (great, wonderful, …..”
8Physical Touch Love Language #2 TimeThe anti-touch timePlacePublic Settings (autonomy)Appropriate Manner for Physical TouchHug, Back Rub, Hold Hands, Pats etc.Just because you like it doesn’t mean they doExample: “I feel like a kitty”Physical Touch to CorrectA Word to FathersDaughters- Physical Dev.; Sons- Boy CodeAbuse
9Quality Time Love Language #3 ChallengesMovement Towards Peers is NormalGiving Undivided AttentionChallenges (Time and Focus)Proximity is not TogethernessSportsFocus on the TeenagerQuality Activities (Plan with Them)Focus on Hearing not Saying (next slide)
10Guidelines for Quality Conversations Maintain Eye ContactDon’t MultitaskListen for FeelingsObserve Body LanguageRefuse to InterruptAsk Reflective QuestionsExpress UnderstandingAsk Permission to Share Your PerspectiveRate DifferencesAverage rate of speech is125 to 175 words per minute whereas the brain can process 500 to 1,000 words a minute (challenge to not wander in our thoughts)
11Interpersonal Communication Model NoiseInterferenceNoiseInterferenceSendersActions(Public)Effect OnListener(Private)SendersIntentions(Private)Senders StyleOf EncodingListenersStyle OfDecoding
12Acts of Service Love Language #4 AttitudeDaily and Mundane Acts: Duty or Loving Service?Manipulation or Behavior ModificationI will do _____ if you will ______.Modeling and Reciprocal LoveTeach IndependenceGuideline: Do acts of service for them that they cannot do for themselvesFamily Game“I really appreciate that…”
13Gifts Love Language #5Gift- a visible, tangible evidence of emotional loveGreek word for gift (charis)- undeserved giftUndeserved, Not a reward, not a manipulationGift Giving and the CeremonyJacob “We love you and want you to have this”Jesse “We love you and would like to pay for..”Counterfeit Gifts- gifts designed to take the place of true loveYou Cannot Buy Love
14Discovering Their Love Language Parental FlexibilityDevelopmental ChangesMood Changes Due to EnvironmentSteps to DiscoveryAsk QuestionsWhat would make our relationship better?Make ObservationsHow do they show love?ExperimentTreatment= Tx (Tx1 then Tx2 then Tx3 etc…)Give them a choice between Tx1
15Discovering Their Love Language You Possess the Power to Determine a Child’s Love Language by What You Do or Do Not Do.
16Love and Anger The adolescent belongs to a system What is going on in that system?Developmental ChangesConnection - Regulation – AutonomyConnection- emotional bondRegulation- rules and structureAutonomy- independence (emotional, spiritual, intellectual, relational)
17Regulation Special Family Forum Rules about Rules Rules should be as few as possibleRules should be as clear as possibleRules should be as fair as possibleRules about ConsequencesShould be determined before a violationShould be administered with loveShould be administered with consistencyTeresa Langston
18Autonomy Psychological Control Controlling the thoughts, beliefs, and emotions of the child.The message is that I don’t trust you to think for yourself.Low self-esteem, poor motivation, poor decision making and problem solving skills.