2. Agenda Taking a look at our essays Learning to identify repetitive and imprecise language. HOMEWORK: –For Tuesday read SL 3-4 –St. guide for ch. 3 Friday: EOS quiz 1 Voc Commas, prounouns. Chap. 1 EOS Next Monday:essay revision (3 copies)

3. This American Life http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio- archives/episode/504/how-i-got-into- college?act=1 - playhttp://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio- archives/episode/504/how-i-got-into- college?act=1 - play

4. Looking at first draft Looking at opening line: hooking the reader Did you use one of the intros we looked at in class? 1.Creative 2.Action 3.Dialogue 4.Personal introduction (I used to be cool)

5. Don’t use some of the following 1 Avoid using quotes or questions. Quotes from non-famous people work better. Starting with a question is lazy. 2. Avoid restating the college application question in the first sentence. Not effective as a hook.

6. Content Is your essay focused on one main event/person/belief? Do you tell a story that explains the how or why of your topic? If not…find one. Make your essay specific and not a list.

7. Don’t Digress

8. Concrete detail –Have you illustrated your examples? –Example: My dad helped me move. –“Seventeen years later he showed up with a U-Haul rigged to pick-up his outside my apartment in Nebraska.”

9. Concrete detail “I used to be a pretty deep guy. gives examples how: “I used to read Freud and Shakespeare…

10. Circle places where you could add detail

11. Got the feelies? Cut out any I felts. I felt cold (wrong) I was cold.(right) I felt that it was important to say something.(wrong) It was important to say something.(right

12. Cut out gots Replace with strong verbs: I got a letter (wrong) I received a letter.(right)

13. Cut fillers It seems that It seems to me It is hard to imagine

14. Get rid of “you” Don’t use direct address. Replace you-s with I. You begin to understand the importance of standing up for yourself. (WRONG) I understood the importance of standing up for myself

15. Conclusion Dos Expand your discussion: 1.Link your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by reiterating introductory phrases. Redefine a term used previously in your body paragraphs. –Honesty –Loyaty

16. 3. Tie the conclusion back to your introduction. If you used an anecdote in your intro, use the conclusion to finish telling that story. –I never did make it to Disneyland that day, but… 4.Try to end on a positive note restate your goals in terms of how they will be fulfilled at the institution to which you are applying.

17. Dont Summarize Or state: In Conclusion

18. … On back of essay write what you like about your essay One or two things that are giving you trouble about it. What do you want to work on this week?

19. For revision: -rework intro -add illustrative detail -think about oganization (beg.mid-end) -look at style and conventions on rubric.

20. Today you and I will look at different ways to revise vague statements, repetitive phrases that repeat themselves and unnecessarily wordy sentences. Why are they laughing? You laughing at my writing? Make them stop!!

21. Revisions

22. REVISION Today we will work on revision of imprecise and wordy sentences.

23. Cutting out wordiness and repetition repetition repetition I have to admit that theater did not come naturally to me, and I remember that I felt remarkably self-conscious and nervous the first few times I set foot on the stage. The first time I was on stage was in eighth grade when my best friend talked me into auditioning for our school’s performance of Romeo and Juliet.

24. Step 1: Cross out unnecessary words and repetitive phrases Including … those pretentious, snobby phrases: “IT IS POSSIBLE “IT IS A WELL KNOWN FACT…”

25. Step 2 Cross out repetitive words and phrases

26. Step 3 Now revise it on your own! YOU CAN DO IT YES YOU CAN

27. Your revision?

28. Theater did not come naturally to me, and I felt remarkably self-conscious and nervous the first few times I set foot on stage. In the eighth grade my best friend had talked me into auditioning for Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

29. Vague and Imprecise Language I like lots of things about basketball. For one, the activity allows me to develop abilities that will help me in future endeavors. (let’s trim the fat. What can we cut?) (What words here are vague?)

30. Vague and Imprecise Language I like lots of things about basketball. For one, the activity allows me to develop abilities that will help me in future endeavors.

31. One step further: SPECIFICITY (SAY IT) Things? (what specifically do you like about it?) Activity? (what kind of activity is it? Abilities? (which abilities?) Endeavors (what do you have in mind?)

32. "Not only do I find basketball fun, but the sport has helped me develop my leadership and communication skills, as well as my ability to work with a team. As a result, my love of basketball will make me a better business major."

33. Looking at a second draft AS YOU READ: circle wordiness repetition circle “a lots” circle “Things” Circle vague nouns and ask writer to make them specific. – abilities (which ones) –Talents (which ones?)