1. John R. Williams Getting Smart About Love, Matching & Marriage

2. John R. Williams Love Needs to Be Learned  “Our ability to love requires a period of growth.” Father

3. John R. Williams Review: True Love

4. John R. Williams What Is True Love?

5. John R. Williams Definition & Qualities of True Love 1. Unselfish 2. Unconditional 3. Serving and sacrificial 4. Unique 5. Constant and unchanging 6. Forgiving 7. Moral and principled Living for the sake of others

6. John R. Williams Love Between Men and Women Is Often Not True Often it is selfish and distorted Partners hurt each other, their families and God People believe many questionable ideas about love, sex and marriage

7. John R. Williams Questionable Ideas about Love, Matching & Marriage 1. There’s No Reason to Involve My Parents in Finding Someone for Me 2.Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare Me for Marriage 3. Real Love Just Happens to You; You Can’t Really Learn to Love Someone

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9. Idea 1: There’s No Reason to Involve My Parents in Finding Someone for Me Ramon

10. John R. Williams Ramon “Trying to learn to love someone my parents pick out is crazy. Arranged marriage is a weird Asian thing. My parents don’t really understand me, anyway. “I want to find someone myself and do it the normal way. I’ll know what I want when I see her. If my parents approve, great, but that’s not the main thing. “There’s no reason to involve my parents in finding someone for me.”

11. John R. Williams There’s No Reason to Involve My Parents in Finding Someone for Me? Related ideas: Arranged marriages are backward and don’t work I know what is best for me Discussion: How might this make sense? In what ways does this idea not make sense?

12. John R. Williams Good Matches Have Horizontal & Vertical Aspects Purpose Friendship Commitment Marital Love Passion Adapted from Robert Sternberg’s Triangle Theory of Love

13. John R. Williams Unarranged Marriages Begin with the Horizontal Friends & Lovers 1. Friendship Shared interests 2. Passion Sexual attraction Purpose Friendship Commitment Marital Love Passion

14. John R. Williams Arranged Marriages Begin with the Vertical Partners in Purpose 1. Commitment Good character 2. Purpose Shared faith, values and goals Purpose Friendship Commitment Marital Love Passion More important  Basis for lasting respect  Less changeable

15. John R. Williams It’s Hard to Find Both Sides of a Good Match by Yourself Many people fail 1. Easy to lose objectivity and get distracted by the horizontal Appearances, sexual attraction, surface charms 2. Easy to get attached to the wrong person

16. John R. Williams Consulting Parents Makes Sense Parents bring certain benefits Know you in ways you may not know yourself See the other person more objectively Understand what qualities lifelong marriage requires Have a personal interest in success and take the task seriously Bring God’s support

17. You Are Still the One Making the Choice and Decision The result is the same—you own the decision to marry a particular person The only difference is in how you find partners to consider You can be highly involved in the screening process Discussing your views of marriage, potential partners and your preferences is enlightening for both sides John R. Williams

18. 10 Advantages of Arranged Marriage I 1. Freedom from pressure to “shop” for a mate 2. Freedom from dating hurts and sexual pressures 3.Can focus on our personal preparation 4. The relationship begins with fewer illusions 5. Marriages tend to be more stable and enduring 6. Love builds more naturally

19. John R. Williams Love in Arranged Marriages Surpasses Unarranged Ones  Love in arranged marriages tends to build over time  Love in unarranged marriages tends to decline Unarranged Marriage Arranged Marriage 5 Years 10 Years

20. John R. Williams 10 Advantages of Arranged Marriage II 7. Honors the two families involved 8. Better in-law relations from beginning 9. Helps prevent abusive relationships 10. Can trust in elders’ wisdom during difficulties later

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22. Idea 2: Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare Me for Marriage Gregg

23. John R. Williams Gregg “My parents arranged Merlita for me. She seems like a good person. But I keep wondering about all the other girls out there. “If I could date different girls, I’d learn more about women and about myself. I’d know more about what kind of girl I like and be more ready to make a commitment. “Dating experiences would better prepare me for marriage.”

24. John R. Williams Dating Experiences Would Better Prepare Me for Marriage? Related ideas: More experience makes you grow as a person It’s better to have lots of experiences before you settle down to marry Practice makes perfect Discussion: How might this make sense? In what ways does this idea not make sense?

25. John R. Williams Dating Sets Up Pressure for Emotional & Physical Involvement 1. Pairing up invites falling in love with each other You cannot control each other’s responses 2. Emotional involvements are distracting 3. Boy-Girl games are not helpful 4. The longer people date, the more certain they will get physical and lose their purity

26. John R. Williams Romantic Involvements with No Future Cause Damage 1. Easy to get hurt and then suspicious and guarded in later relationships “I fall in love. I get hurt. It’s no fun. What’s the point?” Joshua Harris 2. Damages the whole-hearted bonding power of “first love” intended for our mate Fear of opening up the heart

27. John R. Williams Past Experience Can Harm the Future Marriage Comparisons of your mate to past partners in artificially appealing dating situations Selfish “shopping” attitude towards the opposite sex based on externals and how they meet your needs Habit of ending relationships when unpleasant

28. John R. Williams “Practice Makes Perfect” Applies to Spouse Only Brother and sister-type relationships and friendships are the best preparation for marriage You only need to learn how to make one partner happy Comfort and security of commitment is the best circumstance to learn how to love each other

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30. 30John R. Williams Idea 3: Real Love Just Happens to You; You Can’t Really Learn to Love Someone Alicia

31. 31John R. Williams Alicia “ I get the idea of the matching and how you’re supposed to learn to love each other… But it seems so unromantic. And not much fun! I don’t want to suffer like my parents and struggle to learn to just get along. I want to really be in love. “Real love is something that comes over you and another person, and you can’t control it. It’s either there or it it’s not. “Real love just happens to you; you can’t really learn to love someone.”

32. 32 Real Love Is What Happens to You; You Can’t Learn to Love Someone? Related Ideas With real love, you don’t have to try Love is either there or it isn’t You can’t control whom you love Learning to love is too hard Falling in love means you found the right person Discussion: How might this make sense? In what ways does this idea not make sense? John R. Williams

33. 33 Falling in Love Is Exciting & Good Falling in love is exhilarating and beneficial Moves partners to do loving things for each other Motivates couples to marry and be unafraid of the future Provides happy experiences to remember later It can come suddenly or slowly

34. 34John R. Williams Strong Couples Are Both Friends & Lovers 1. Couples may start with either one Some begin “warm” as friends, and passionate “falling in love” comes later Others start “hot” with passion, and gradually build their friendship 2. Matched couples usually start with friendship Friendship Marital Love Passion

35. 35 Starting with Friendship Has Advantages Not starting “crazy in love” has benefits 1.Partners see and consider each other more clearly They know and accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses 2. Romance builds on a more solid foundation With more realistic expectations 3. Companionship counts more than passion in daily married life John R. Williams

36. 36 Learning to Love Does Not Mean Struggling as in Earlier Blessings Especially with parents’ matching You are expected to develop some friendship first You should believe you can create passion too before you commit to engagement Some couples fall madly in love quite soon John R. Williams

37. 37John R. Williams Love Can Either Be a Feeling or Decision Feeling of love or decision to love — which? 1. “ I love pizza. ” 2. “ Show love to your little brother even though you ’ re mad at him. ” 3. “ I think I love her. ” 4. “ Love your enemies. ” 5. “ I loved him as soon as I saw him. ”

38. All Lasting Relationships Require Sometimes Deciding to Love With family and friendships You have feelings of love But also need to learn how to give love when you don’t feel like it In marriage The “honeymoon” period can’t last forever You have to learn to strengthen friendship and rebuild passion When it no longer comes easily John R. Williams38

39. 39John R. Williams All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love I Passion & Romance It usually starts out strong with passion and romantic feelings

40. 40John R. Williams All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love I Passion & Romance Conflict Initial “in love” feelings naturally fade, and the partners’ many real differences come out  Tensions build

41. 41John R. Williams All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love II Passion & Romance Conflict Escape Co-Exist Some partners give up:  Escape the marriage  Or live together with no expectations of closeness

42. 42John R. Williams All Couples Must Decide to Learn to Love III Passionate Friendship Passion & Romance Commitment to Learn to Love All successful couples decide to learn how to create true love with each other Conflict

43. 43John R. Williams Falling in Love Is Not Completely Outside Our Control 1. Love as a feeling and attraction cannot be completely controlled 2.But we can choose attitudes and actions that either invite or discourage feelings of love To invite warm feelings with those we want To discourage such feelings towards those we do not This is an essential skill in marriage

44. Under What Conditions Might You Start “Falling in Love” with Someone? It is somewhat mysterious but it also somewhat predictable 44

45. 45 Factors Involved with How We Fall in Love I 1. They get your attention—attract or annoy 2. They are kind, caring 3. They seem trustworthy and safe 4. They meet your other emotional needs, especially unconscious ones 5. Sharing interests, fun and positive experiences 6. Going through hardships together

46. 46 Factors Involved with How We Fall in Love II 7. Being around each other, sharing same history 8. Sharing personal concerns, being listened to and empathized with 9. Through touch and physical affection 10. Achieving something together 11. Respecting, admiring them, and sharing important values in common

47. 47John R. Williams Science Confirms We Can Learn to Love Our Mate Arranged marriages are being studied as successful alternative to the current failed model of dating and mating Research shows that certain attitudes and practices make for success in marriage

49. John R. Williams John Williams, MMFT John.Coach1@gmail.com 973.666.2145

50. Note for Presentation (Can show “Arranged Marriage Song” music video from YouTube as warm up) Show “Arranged Marriages Part 2” from YouTube.com at the end of topic 1 Show “Real Deal” chapter 4 DVD at the end of topic 3