1. Partnership SupportExcellenceEmpowermentHealthy Futures NASA Wallops Flight Facility October 1, 2014

2. 5 Agenda Items: - What is domestic violence? What does it “look like”? - What’s culture got to do with it? - Should this really concern me? - ESCADV - Who we are and what we do - How do we solve this, and how can I help? 5 Key Takeaways: -We are all impacted by domestic violence; females and males -We live in a culture that makes it possible for domestic violence to exist -Domestic violence is preventable -We must work together to create a culture that supports healthy relationships -I can be part of the solution

3. What is domestic violence? Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors used by one individual to control or exert power over another individual in the context of an intimate relationship. Break it down: it can impact anyone; it is a pattern of behavior; it is not just physical; it is about power and control; it is a learned behavior Takeaways: - No one deserves to suffer from domestic violence. -Each person has responsibility for his/her own behavior. Survivors do not cause abuse and are not responsible for their abuser’s behavior -Violence is a learned behavior and is often passed down from generation to generation. -Women and children are most likely to be affected, but ALL persons are potential victims.

4. What does domestic violence look like? Cycle of violence diagram HONEYMOON Perpetrator: I’m sorry, promises to get help, wooing, gifts and promises, declares love Victim: Agrees to stay/return/take him/her back; stops legal proceedings; feels happy and hopeful; doesn’t want relationship to end, just wants abuse to stop TENSION BUILD UP Perpetrator: Moody, isolates, puts down, yells, criticizes, destroys property, withdraws affection Victim: attempts to calm, nurturing, keeps kids quiet, tries to reason, walking on eggshells, stays away from friends and family, withdraws VIOLENCE/ABUSE Perpetrator: Self-righteous anger, hitting, choking, rape, use of weapons, humiliation, imprisonment Victim: protects themselves any way they can, tries to reason, police called by the neighbors or kids, leaves, fights back DENIAL Power and Control Wheel

5. What does domestic violence look like? Signs of an abuser: Jealousy. At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will say that jealousy is a sign of love. Controlling behavior. The abuser is likely to disguise or excuse controlling behavior. Quick involvement. Many victims of abuse dated their abuser for less than 6 months before they became engaged or started living together. Unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect the victim to be perfect and may depend on the victim for all their needs. Isolation. The abuser may try to curtail the victim’s social interaction and prevent him/her from going to work or class or being with friends and family. Blame-shifting. Very rarely will an abuser accept responsibility for any problem or negative situation. Verbal abuse. The abuser may say things that are meant to be cruel, hurtful and degrading, either in public or in private. Any force during an argument. An abuser may physically restrain victim from leaving the room; hit victim with his/her hand or another object; pin the victim against a wall; or shout in their face

6. Why don’t they “just leave”?! Attachment/Love Fear Doubt Embarrassment Low self-esteem Lack of resources Children Control Hope for change Pressure from friends and family Societal expectations Cultural or religious restraints Family background Guilt and shame Isolation

7. Do I stay or do I go? Physical risks if victim stays: Injury: Perpetrator can continue to hit and injure the victim Death: Perpetrator may kill the victim Physical risks if the victim leaves: Injury: Perpetrator can continue to hit and injure the victim. Risk can increase when victim leaves Death: Leaving does not ensure the victim won’t be found and may increase chance of homicide Psychological risks if victim stays: Harm: Victim may be attacked verbally and emotionally Substance abuse: victim may abuse to help cope Suicide: perpetrator and victim at risk Psychological risks if victim leaves: Harm: Perpetrator may continue to have access to victim, particularly if children in common Substance abuse: victim may abuse to help cope with new life situation Suicide: perpetrator and victim at risk

8. Do I stay or do I go? Risks to children if victim stays: Injury: Children can witness violence, be object of attack, be hurt while trying to protect parent Loss of children: CPS becomes involved if violence is disclosed Being alone/single parenting Risks to children if victim leaves: Injury: May be at greater risk while on visitation without parent-victim present; no visitation may also harm the child Loss of children: Perpetrator could gain custody or take children; CPS may still be involved Being alone/single parenting Financial risks if victim stays: Standard of living: Perpetrator may control the money, provide little money Loss of income: Perpetrator could keep victim from working Loss of housing: Might be evicted due to disturbance or damage Financial risks if victim leaves: Standard of living: Victim may have less income Loss of income: May have to quit job to relocate, work issues with being a single parent Loss of housing: may have to move

9. What’s culture got to do with it?

10. Should this really concern me? 1 in every 4 women will experience some form of domestic violence in their lifetime 1 in every 6 men have had experiences that can be defined as childhood sexual abuse. Leading cause of injury among women Roughly 1 in 3 homicides in Virginia attributable to family and intimate partner violence Children who witness domestic violence is largest risk factor for being an abuser or victim as an adult. Impacts every sector and facet of our society

11. Domestic violence and the workplace Did you know? National surveys indicate that 21% of full-time employed adults are survivors of domestic violence 44% of respondents in a recent survey have experienced domestic violence’s impact on the workplace, most frequently because a co- worker was a victim Studies show that over 75% of domestic violence perpetrators used workplace resources to express remorse or anger towards, check up on, pressure or threaten their victim. Costs Annual cost of lost productivity due to domestic violence is $728 million National health care costs of domestic violence (often absorbed by employers) include direct mental health and medical services that total $4.1 billion annually Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work as a result of violence

12. About ESCADV – Impact & Statistics 24-hour a day, 7 days a week Hotline 268 phone calls in FY13 Emergency Shelter 3,733 nights to 37 adults and 34 children in FY13 Counseling, Referrals, and Legal Advocacy 4,833 hours of services in FY13 Community Outreach/Education/Prevention 127 activities and presentations in FY13 “Without the shelter I would be homeless. Now I have a roof over my head and a safe place to go. The staff is wonderful and does everything they can to help people move on to a better life. Their caring and compassion means a lot, especially when you have been put down repeatedly both physically and emotionally in the past. This is a place where you start to heal and make a fresh start.” - Current ESCADV Client

13. Making a difference: all day, every day Over 95% (35 of 37) adult shelter clients in FY13 transitioned to housing free from abuse 83% of clients developed a safety plan 87% of clients report receiving all the help they needed to live violence free 98% of hotline callers informed about domestic violence and services available 100+ education and outreach activities every year

14. How can I help a friend or family member? Some helpful things to do: Listen Validate feelings Respect their choices Provide encouragement What can you say? I believe you. You are not alone. No one deserves to be abused. It can be difficult to know what to do. It can feel overwhelming at times. It’s okay to still love him/her but not like what’s happening. I am concerned for your safety. Leaving can be a very dangerous time. There are options available. Abuse is often about power and control. I’ve noticed you’ve been ------ lately, and I’m concerned. You know your situation best. It’s important for you to make the decision that is best for you. Our local domestic violence program may be able to help you.

15. Is this a problem we can solve?

16. How can I make a difference? Bystander intervention – Speak up and speak out Share our information with friends and family that need help Provide financial support or in-kind donations Volunteer Invite us to present information to your church, civic group CONTACT: 757-787-1329 EMAIL: CLAWTON@ESCADV.COM CONNECT: WWW.ESCADV.COM