1. Think of an argument that you got into with your teen that lasted more than a few sentences.  Did your actions become more heated and forceful as your teen failed to “give in”? Jot down notes that describe the sequence of events.  What action brought out the 1 st negative comment?  How then did your teen react?  How did the 1 st party respond to that 2 nd person’s action? Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

2. Teen Defiance Resolve Conflict and Rebuild Your Relationship Michele Tureaud, Barbara L. Cohen, Wanda Holloway Fairfax County Public Schools Behavior Intervention Services

3. In the short term (and long term), who “won”?  Were hearts and minds won over?  Were relationships built and “trust bonds” cemented?  Will the “show of force” “teach the kid a lesson”? Which parent actions worsened the situation? Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

4.  Recognize defiant behavior  Identify why it occurs  Learn strategies to avoid the conflict Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

6. Two people want the same power and neither one of them has a firm grip on it.

7. Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk "Adolescence is a time of rapid change for kids both physically and cognitively. It's the task of the teenager to fire their parents and then re-hire them years later, but as consultants rather than managers.“ Stuart Goldman, MD, director of psychiatric education at Children's Hospital in Boston

8. Defiance is usually a teen’s way of gaining more control and decision making ability in their lives. Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

9. This is what I have control overThis is what I WISH I had control over 1.On which issues do you spend most of your physical and emotional energy? 2. Is your energy being spent on issues that you can control or those that fall under the wishes category?

10. Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

11.  Choose battles wisely  Allow breathing room  Ask, “Is this argument necessary or can it be put aside?” Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

12. No is a complete sentence  Children are programmed from birth to push and resist against rules. Say no, just once.  If she throws a tantrum, walk out of the room and let her anger be her problem. Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

13. Is there a reason for the defiant behavior? Make sure you know what is going on in your teen’s life.

14. Offer Choices  We all like to feel powerful.  Choices help your teen feel like they are more in control. Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

15. Set the rules Stick to your decision.

16. Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk All teens need guidance. Hostile behavior could be a desperate cry for help.

17. Use win-win negotiation to resolve conflict Listen intently Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

18.  Never discount your teen’s ideas.  Write all the suggestions down and hand them to your teen first.  She will go through them and cross off the ones she doesn’t like.  Then it’s your turn….  Usually, there are two-three suggestions left that can be discussed and negotiated. Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

19.  Create house rules.  Create consequences for abiding by the rules and consequences for disobeying the rules.  Review the rules periodically. ▪ “We’ve discussed what is going to happen. I’m confident you’ll make the right choice.” Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

20.  Carefully choose the major issues.  13 minutes a day in actual communication with parents.  9 minutes are spent correcting, criticizing or arguing. Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

21. Reaction and control do not work Reduce patterns of reactive behavior Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

22. GEMS  Average of 432 negative comments per day vs. 32 positive comments. Offer Genuine Encounter Moments  Give full attention and curiosity. Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk

23. 1. Optimism 2. Know it’s a roller-coaster ride 3. Change can be influenced with leverage and persuasion 4. Integrate new knowledge including the unconventional 5. Multiple strategies are needed 6. Take good emotional care of yourself

24. Cohen, Holloway, Tureaud let’sTEENtalk