1. Westland stake women’s conference 2019
Nurturing your soul
5 minute and end warnings. Handouts.
Westland stake women’s conference 2019

2. introductions Education: Family Studies, BYU, 2010
Marriage and Family Therapy, LLU, 2012
Experience:
Individuals, couples, families, and children
Groups, group homes, court mandated courses
Severely and chronically mentally ill
Child and teen day programs
Family – last 30 hour shift! Education and experience- why you should listen to me. Self care studies- nurses and therapists (chefs and chueffers) = moms

3. Divine Discontent
“Divine discontent comes when we compare who we are [to] what we have the power to become.” –Michelle D. Craig, 2018
“We yearn for greater personal capacity. We have these feelings because we are daughters and sons of God, born with the Light of Christ yet living in a fallen world. These feelings are God given and create an urgency to act.”

4. How do we nurture our souls to become who our Savior wants us to be?
Self care is the mechanism we use to nurture our souls

5. Nurture: Care for and encourage the growth or development of
Consider the definition of nurture as we discuss the definition of self care..
If there is one thing that I think can change people’s perspectives of self care- it is in understanding its proper definition. So often we are given half baked truths about what self care entails.
First thoughts may include: getting your nails done, taking a hot bath, watching your favorite Netflix shows, or eating a favorite treat.
Before you get too worried- I am definitely not here to tell you to stop doing those things! In fact, I believe those are important items of self care. But what if I told you, you could do those things and feel more fulfilled, closer to God, and appreciate them in a deeper and more connected way?

6. Self care The act of gently parenting yourself.
“taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health. Protecting your own well-being and happiness.”
Because here is the other part of self care – the truly critical and important part – (and my favorite definition of all). It is: the act of gently parenting yourself.
A more technical definition for self care is: “taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health. Protecting your own well-being and happiness.”
As I’ve worked on adopting this definition in my own life – lead to me feeling less sorry for myself and more fulfilled. Recognizing the daily self care I am doing and adopting more fundamentally effective self care.
I’ve created a model based on these definitions called…

7. Self Care spectrum EASY DIFFICULT
Easy to difficult – you can find this same model on your worksheet. I encourage you to fill it in with your personal examples as we go. Authenticity – important value – will share mine.

8. Self Care spectrum nap EASY DIFFICULT
For yourself- consider if someone said, “hey you have two free hours to yourself! What would you like to do?” and what is your immediate reaction. For some people, a nap may be on the difficult side of the spectrum. Perhaps it is very difficult for you to pause and prioritize rest.

9. Self Care spectrum nap EASY DIFFICULT eat chocolate
Eating chocolate is a good example as to WHY I created this spectrum. I don’t believe that self care can be broken into columns of “good nurturing” and “bad numbing” because it is entirely based on the context. For example, HARD day, stuff chocolate in mouth. Waiting, looking forward to, FAVORITE dessert – savoring, fills you up. The same action can be used for nurturing and numbing.
In the name of authenticity… on the “difficult” end of my spectrum is…
eat chocolate

10. Self Care spectrum nap getting a root canal EASY DIFFICULT
The items on the difficult end are things that need to get done for your well being. This is where “gently parenting yourself” really comes into play. It’s doing things like making that doc appt, and showing up for it. Looking at your to-do list and picking your least favorite item and committing to getting it done first, so you can breathe easy the rest of the day.
Also on my difficult side is…
eat chocolate

11. Self Care spectrum nap getting a root canal EASY DIFFICULT
Setting and KEEPING the boundary, making a difficult phone call, saying “no” to things
Invitation to write your easy and difficult self care items – also can fill in as we go (here are some more examples of mine)
eat chocolate
setting boundaries
with a family member

12. Self Care spectrum netflix getting a root canal doing the dishes
before bed
nap
exercising
social media
EASY
DIFFICULT
Which one’s would fall more toward the middle? I would personally put social media in the middle… some days it is my avenue to feeling connected to my family and old friends. It is a way to laugh at cute puppy videos and cry and touching messages put out by the church. Other days it takes up needless amounts of time, or generates the same bad news over and over, or is used as a way to “tune out” from the stressors around me.
As you’re thinking about what goes on your self care spectrum, I also really want to be honest and authentic about what is listed on there. Sometimes we have lofty goals for how we want to spend our free time- but in reality we are missing the mark. I want to use an example from the therapist LDS marriage and family therapist, Tony Overbay of the Virtual Couch podcast: Client reading books he didn’t actually enjoy.
eat chocolate
listening to
podcasts
reading
going to
bed early
setting boundaries
with a family member
drinking
more water

13. Self Care spectrum organizing netflix graphic design getting a
root canal
doing the dishes
before bed
nap
exercising
social media
teaching
EASY
DIFFICULT
Next- there is a really exciting part of this spectrum where I think most of our hobbies would go. They are considered our “flow” experiences. They fall closer to the difficult end, because they are challenging enough that we don’t get bored. But they are easy enough that we enjoy them and are therefore successful at them.
eat chocolate
listening to
podcasts
reading
going to
bed early
setting boundaries
with a family member
talking with
friends
photography
drinking
more water

14. FLow
”the mental state of operation in which a person is performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does, and a resulting loss in one’s sense of space and time” (Csikszentmihalyi, M., 1975)
AKA when you enjoy something so much you lose track of time
If you don’t know what hobbies or flow experiences you might have – I have a few suggestions. First, this is something I hear often from people who have been in phases of life that are overwhelming and where they have very little time left for themselves, or have lost nearly all personal identity (aka motherhood). Oftentimes we attribute activities and hobbies as something that children do. But for some reason we buy into the belief that adults don’t have interests of their own; as if all of the enjoyment in our lives has an expiration date at the age of 21.
Elder Uchtdorf shared, when speaking to the women, “Our birthright—and the purpose of our great voyage on this earth— is to seek and experience eternal happiness.” There is room for you to have interests, and to experience joy.

15. What If I don’t know what I enjoy?
What did I like doing before? What made me stop doing those things?
What did I like to do as a child?
If I could do anything, or become anyone, what would I want to do?
Who is someone I admire; what do they do?

16. Self Care spectrum cleaning the house call my mom organizing
making a nutrient
dense dinner
netflix
graphic
design
getting a
root canal
doing the dishes
before bed
nap
exercising
social media
teaching
EASY
DIFFICULT
So now that we’ve completed our self-care spectrum, look at this incredible list you have before you. I want you to look it over and consider – do these things look expensive? Do they look like they are too challenging to do with a family at home? It is important to ensure you have a balanced list, with many, many options. If all of your self care items range from “drinking herbal tea on a patio in Paris” to “hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro” I want you to continue to add to your spectrum and work on it at home.
Now – what do we do with this list? How do we know what item of self care to chose in a given moment? The first step is to create the list, but the next is knowing how to utilize it for the most effective and meaningful self care.
eat chocolate
listening to
podcasts
go out in
nature
reading
going to
bed early
setting boundaries
with a family member
talking with
friends
photography
managing
finances
drinking
more water
baking

17. Mindfulness
Mindfulness is another “buzz word” in the mental health community these days. But it is for good reason – research has shown that practicing mindfulness literally remodels the physical structure of your brain. It is used in the treatment and prevention of mental illness.

18. mindfulness
the basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us.” (Baer, R. 2003)
“Whenever you bring awareness to what you’re directly experiencing via your senses, or to your state of mind via your thoughts and emotions, you’re being mindful.” (Kabat-Zinn, J., 2013)
In order to use our self care spectrum’s most successfully, I believe we need to train our minds and bodies to be able to answer the question: what do I need right now?
First, I recommend you learn to relax your mind and body. Before attempting to answer these questions I would require that you lower your shoulders, release your tongue from the roof of your mouth, close your eyes, and take 1-3 deep breaths. Don’t worry if you don’t do this part perfectly, it will take time.
In order to help us learn how to become mindful in responding to this question, I’ve created what I am calling a “mental health checklist” to guide you.

19. Mental health checklist
What are my physical needs?
What are my mental needs?
What are my social needs?
Next, look over the three questions: what are my physical, mental, and social needs?
I’ve created lists of potential needs to generate some ideas, but if you can identify something specific that is not on the list, that your mind or body needs, please add it as an option.
Answer the questions genuinely and honestly. This is not what you WANT yourself to need, it is what you really and truly need in this moment.

20. Self Care spectrum cleaning the house call my mom organizing
making a nutrient
dense dinner
netflix
graphic
design
getting a
root canal
doing the dishes
before bed
nap
exercising
social media
teaching
EASY
DIFFICULT
As you refer back to your self care spectrum can you see how mindfully considering your needs can help you choose self care items that are more meaningful and effective? Connect your needs to the things on your list.
I have truly been trying to implement these ideas into my daily life. Just like any of you, my days and weeks have been busy, taxing, long, and sometimes frustrating. I have been trying to be mindful in my responses to self care. I sometimes find my mind fights me a little bit when I need to do something on the more difficult end of the spectrum, but my soul thanks me when I have completed it. And then I can enjoy my more gentle forms of self care with more gratitude and true relaxation.
eat chocolate
listening to
podcasts
go out in
nature
reading
going to
bed early
setting boundaries
with a family member
talking with
friends
photography
managing
finances
drinking
more water
baking

21. Nurturing your soul: tough love
As women I believe we have been conditioned to put other’s needs before our own. There are going to be moments, many moments, in which this will be necessary. We can’t turn over and go back to bed when the baby needs feeing or changing in the night- no matter how exhausted we are. We can’t clock out of being a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, or a friend.
But if you think you are doing your family any favors by consistently and constantly putting yourself last, neglecting your needs, or becoming the ‘martyr’ of your family – you are fooling yourself. If you are living in a constant mode of survival, than that is the constant mode your family will be in. We as women, have the sacred privilege and honor of being the strongest influence in the tone of our homes. If you want your family to thrive, then you need to thrive.

22. Brene Brown
“You can’t give your children what you don’t have yourself… no matter how much importance you place on it.”
As all therapist’s spirit animal, Brene Brown, says: “you can’t give your children what you don’t have yourself… no matter how much importance you place on it.”
Self care and the nurture of your soul is not just a right. It is a responsibility. And it is no one’s responsibility, but your own. Right now you are likely responsible for many people’s souls, their happiness, and their lives. But as soon as we become adults, it is time for us to parent our inner child. To parent ourselves…. Gently, lovingly, wisely.
Self care is not optional, for when the day is done. It is the daily practice of nourishment. Just like watering a plant, feeding a child, feasting from the scriptures, and praying to our God… we must nourish ourselves.

23. Have you ever felt your talents and gifts were too small for the task ahead? I have. But you and I can give what we have to Christ, and He will multiply our efforts. What you have to offer is more than enough—even with your human frailties and weaknesses—if you rely on the grace of God.   The truth is that each of us is one generation away from Deity—each is a child of God. And just as He has done with both prophets and ordinary men and women through the ages, so Heavenly Father intends to transform us.
Michelle D. Craig
Only then can we become the warriors, the women, God wants us to become. God is calling us to a higher way, to become the daughters he wants us to be. We want to be daughters fit for his work….
We are women not saying “Lord, take this trial away from me” we are women saying, “Lord, nourish me in this trial… and teach me to nourish myself.”
“Cultivate and encourage my growth…”

24. Nurturing your soul: your right & Responsibility
I imagine a Relief Society where the women of the Westland stake are ready… because their cups are full. They have taken responsibility for their happiness and their wellbeing. When in a RS meeting and asked about a meal – women are ready to serve out of joy, purpose, and love – not out of duty, obligation or guilt. When women are asked “what do you need?” they can answer honestly because they know their needs and happiness matter. I imagine an army of women prepared to do the Savior’s work, to serve, and to be lights in this world, because they know how to nurture themselves through the difficulties and trials of life. They are confident, able, purposeful and powerful… they are planted in the gospel of Christ. They are transforming for and through him. I encourage you and challenge you to take on the responsibility for "cultivating your own growth." In the name of JC amen.

25. Nurture your Soul
Westland stake | March 30, 2019