1. Disagreeing with Dignity
Presented by:
Don Boice, LCSW-R
Intake Line: (585)

2. Agenda What you hope to get Sign in, Phones, Presenter’s Credentials
1. Introductions
What you hope to get
Sign in, Phones, Presenter’s Credentials
Main Points
A. Quality of friendship
B. Gottman six skills for conflict
C. Arguing leads to positive interactions
3. Questions and Answers
Utility- What is the benefit (utility) of learning this?
Product- What is it that I will learn?
Process- What process will we use to accomplish/achieve our goal? How do you want us to participate?
Objective- If we are successful, we will be able to ______ at _____ (this level of mastery)
Process Justification- Where did the theory come from and why are we using this source?
Proof of Ability- Has this helped anyone?
Review- Again the process, the objective and the utility are as follows

3. Quality of Friendship Prevention Skills: Clarify Validate
Use “Couples Dialogue”
Role-play each of the above

4. Main Points: How to Stay Together
Quality of friendship
Six Skills for Conflict
Arguing can lead to positive interactions

5. No Hitting Below the Belt
Downregulate negative affect
Absence of hitting below the belt does not a good relationship make
Upregulate positive affect
Have fun together, laugh, play, cuddle and be intimate

6. Six Skills for Conflict Management
Self- Soothing- 100 beats per minute
Softened Start-up- I feel, gentle/tactful
Repair and De-escalate- stay on track- talk about wanting to calm down, appreciate
Dream Within Conflict- deeply held feelings not given up easily- similar to hidden agenda
Accept Influence- willing to move toward compromise
Compromise create a common way of thinking vs give up

7. Six Skills Plus
Power struggle= hidden agenda- go deeper- see dream within conflict
4 Horsemen gone? It still hurts
If you are successful they will have confidence that they can repair stuff when it gets bad. Jacobsen

8. Physiology
Your body is involved when you are flooding- no wonder you cannot listen, you do not feel safe, this is dangerous to you
Your emotions are hijacking your thoughts
When one person gets angry the other person almost always gets angry- prevent

9. Quality of Friendship Traditions I assume the best
We pray before and after
Written communication
We hold hands
We say, “I love you”
We toss a coin

10. Passion Killers i.e. arguing Other
5:1 Ratio
20:1 if Not Disagreeing
How can you achieve it?
Points System
Passion Killers i.e. arguing
Other

11. More Positive Interactions
Cuddle
Hold hands
Physical intimacy
I Statements
“I feel _______ when ________”
“I feel scared when you say we might divorce.”
“I feel hurt and angry when you call me names.”
Invitation to get to know me/you

12. To Return to Where We Began
Quality of friendship/positive affect
Six skills
Arguing ideally leads to positive interactions- ask for needs/wishes
Conclusion for Disagreeing with Dignity
Before we move into the conclusion, let me ask, what questions do you have? And How do you think these ideas would work in your relationship?
Thank you for coming tonight. I appreciate you being here and committing your time. This is an important topic and I am grateful that we could spend the time together. My wish for you is that you use the information in all your arguments, not just the ones with your spouse. When you apply these to your life, you will find much more peace and serenity and less drama. Again, imagine if all the disagreements in the world used these techniques. The needless pain they could prevent…
As far as your relationship, we learned about the 5:1 ratio of good interactions to bad ones, that the quality of friendship in a relationship predicts divorce quite accurately and that you have power over the type of interactions you have after a disagreement.
If you have questions about the presentation, about Couples Counseling or Gender Communication, please feel free to contact me. My information is in the handouts and if you forget, you can always find me by Googling “Boice Counseling”.

13. Questions What questions do you have that have not yet been answered?
When you think of a question, you may reach Don Boice, LCSW-R at
What questions do you have?
How do you think these ideas would work in your area?
Thank them
Call to ACTION
Review- now lets go over what we learned today
When you apply these to your life you will benefit
Greet people by the door