1. Managing Conflict
Chapter 12

2. What is Conflict? Components of the definition of conflict
Expressed Struggle
Parties involved must know there is some type of disagreement for conflict to exist
If I don't know that you are upset I won't perceive conflict
Perceived Incompatible Goals
All conflicts look as if one person’s gain would be another’s loss
If your neighbor has music at full blast & you want to sleep is there a way for both of you to win

3. What is Conflict? Components of the definition of conflict
Perceived Scarce Rewards
Conflicts may exist when we believe there isn’t enough of something to go around
Affection, Money, Space, etc
What are things that may create conflict with you, Why/How?
Interdependence
Conflicting people rely on one another
Welfare and satisfaction of one depends on others actions
If you’re music is too loud and I want to sleep, am I dependent on you?

4. What is Conflict? Components of the definition of conflict
Inevitability
Conflicts are bound to happen, even in the best of relationships
Challenge is to handle the conflicts
People perceive them and manage them in different ways
Unhappy couples argue to try and reach a resolution
Satisfied couples handle conflicts more effectively, although they still may argue it is more problem oriented

5. What is Conflict? Conflict: Fight or Flight?
What is your personal attitude toward conflict?
Is it good, bad, necessary, unnecessary, etc?
Reasons for taking a constructive approach to conflict?
Effective means to mutual resolution
Increase strength and security of relationships

6. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts
Achieve the best possible outcome, even strengthen the relationship
Dysfunctional –
Outcomes fall short of what is possible & may damage the relationship

7. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts
Functional vs. Dysfunctional Approaches
Positive functional behaviors & negative dysfunctional behaviors.
Integration vs. Polarization
Integration –
Recognizing other person is in the difficult situation with you,
They’re not “bad” or “good” but need to help you resolve conflict
Polarization –
Viewing other person as opposite,
Good vs bad, protective vs aggressive, trustworthy vs sneaky

8. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts
Cooperation vs. Opposition
Cooperation – Working constructively with other party
May bring answer that leaves everyone happy
Opposition – Prevents seeking a solution that satisfies both
“If you win, I lose” (Opposition people seldom give in)
Confirmation vs. Disconfirmation
Confirmation – Treating conflicting individual with care/value
Describe messages that convey value in other person
Disconfirmation – Negative interaction with conflicting individual
Lack of regard “I don’t care about you”
Makes working towards a resolution difficult

9. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts
Agreement vs. Coercion
Agreement
Resolving conflicts by agreeing on the terms on which it is resolved
Coercion - “Do it my way, or else”
In destructive conflicts, participants rely heavily on coercion to get what they want. This tactic doesn’t do much for relationship strength

10. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts
De-escalation vs. Escalation
De-escalation
When participants solve more problems than they create
Escalation – One cause is Defensive reciprocation
When problems seem to grow larger instead of smaller in conflict

11. Functional and Dysfunctional Conflicts
Focusing vs. Drifting
Focusing – Staying on the conflict topic
Sticking to the conflict topic and resolving it before moving on
Drifting – Moving away from the conflict topic
Bringing in issues that have nothing to do with the original problem
Positive vs. Negative Results
Positive –
Reward of successfully facing a challenge
Relationship growth, positive communication climate,
Negative –
No one is likely to get what was originally sought
Can threaten the future of a relationship

12. Conflict Styles Avoidance (Lose-Lose)
Behaviors in the avoidance approach to conflict?
Ignoring or staying away from conflict
Avoiding friends during dispute,
Changing conversation topic

13. Conflict Styles Avoidance (Lose-Lose)
Avoidance may result in a lose-lose outcome.
Chronic misunderstandings
Resentments, disappointments (Contaminate emotional climate)
Avoidance may be good for dealing with conflict?
If risk of speaking up is too great
Getting fired
Public humiliation

14. Conflict Styles Accommodation (Lose-Win) Motivation of an accommodator
Occurs when we allow others to have their own way without asserting our own point of view
Motivation of an accommodator
Effective if done as genuine act of kindness, generosity, love
Ineffective if used as a complainer, whiner, saboteur
How may the use of accommodation be culturally influenced?
High context cultures view accommodation and avoidance as noble ways to handle conflict

15. Conflict Styles Competition (Win-Lose) Passive Aggression
Competition using concern for self and low concern for others
Passive Aggression
Passive aggression
Expressing dissatisfaction in a disguised manner
Forms passive aggression may take – “Crazymaking”
Guilt –
"Never mind, I'll do all the work myself"
Agrees with you to face / Differs behind your back
Person agrees to a favor and never does it to get back at you

16. Conflict Styles Direct Aggression
What are some of the forms of direct aggression?
Attacks on Character, Competence, Physical appearance,
Wishing other person bad fortune, teasing, ridicule, threats
Swearing, non0verbals (fist-shaking, waving arms, etc)
Direct aggression is likely to have a more negative impact on a relationship?
Psychological effects
Embarassment
Inadequacy
humiliation

17. Conflict Styles Compromise (Negotiated Lose-Lose)
Gives both people at least some of what they want
Compromise, may result in a lose-lose outcome.
Both parties are giving up part of what they desire
Compromises may be beneficial in relationships even though both parties must sacrifice to achieve a resolution.
Buying a used car may result in a compromise in price
Both the seller and you are happy which makes compromise positive

18. Conflict Styles Collaboration (Win-Win) Goal of collaboration?
To solve problem not “My or Your” way but “Our Way”
Why is collaboration not always the best choice for resolving conflict?
It can be time consuming
Some conflict decisions need to be made quickly

19. Conflict Styles Which Style to Use?
How to determine appropriate choice of conflict style:
The Situation
If you are in conflict with someone with more power (Accommodation)
Competitive response may result in loss of job
The Other Person
If they’re not interested in win/win or collaborating, if they only want to win and disregard your desires
Your Goals
To solve problem – be assertive
Calm down a person who is enraged or upset

20. Conflict in Relational Systems
Relational Conflict Styles
A pattern of managing disagreements
Used repeatedly over time

21. Conflict in Relational Systems
Complementary conflict style?
When partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors
One partner addresses the conflict directly, the other withdraws
Complementary style may lead to dissatisfaction in relationships?
May lead to isolation & each partner punctuating the conflict differently

22. Conflict in Relational Systems
Relational Conflict Styles
What is the symmetrical style?
When both parties use the same tactics to resolve conflicts

23. Conflict in Relational Systems
Relational Conflict Styles
Escalatory and de-escalatory spirals.
Escalatory Spiral-
When each person is treated with matching hostility one threat and insult leads to another
De-escalatory Spiral
Where both people withdraw from one another instead of facing their problems

24. Conflict in Relational Systems
Relational Conflict Styles
Parallel style –
A conflict style that shifts between complementary and symmetrical patterns
Dependent on the situation

25. Conflict in Relational Systems
Relational Conflict Styles
The intimate and aggressive style matrix.
Nonintimate-Aggressive
Partners dispute issues but without dealing with one another on an emotional level
Nonintimate-Nonaggressive
Partners avoid conflict (and one another) instead of facing issues head-on

26. Conflict in Relational Systems
Relational Conflict Styles
The intimate and aggressive style matrix.
Intimate-Aggressive
Combines aggression and intimacy
Lovers fight like cats and dogs and make up just as intensly
Coworkers might argue about their work but cherish their association
Intimate-Nonaggressive
Partners confront one another directly or indirectly
Manage to prevent issues from interfering with relationship

27. Conflict in Relational Systems
Relational Conflict Styles
Conflict ritual?
Unacknowledged but very real repeating patterns of interlocking behavior
Develops when people have been in relationship for long time
Conflict rituals may become problematic in a relationship?
When they are the only way relational partners handle their conflicts
What works in one situation isn’t likely to succeed in many others

28. Variables in Conflict Styles
Gender
Gender-based differences in conflict behaviors.
Male – Aggressive, Demanding, Competitive
Female – Cooperative, accommodating

29. Variables in Conflict Styles
Culture
Based on cultural norms and values, what cultural factors may influence conflict styles?
Directness, Straight Talking – Western cultures
Self restraint, avoid confrontation – Asian cultures

30. Conflict Management in Practice
Steps of putting conflict management into practice:
Define your needs
Decide what it is that you want or need
Share your needs with the other person
Once decided, share needs with partner (appropriate time & place)
Listen to the other person’s needs
Make sure that after expressing your needs you also find out theirs
Generate possible solutions
Think of as many ways possible to satisfy both of your needs

31. Conflict Management in Practice
Describe each of the steps of putting conflict management into practice:
Evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one
Once all possible solutions have been expressed, evaluate them to see which would best satisfy everyone’s goals
Implement the solution
Try out the decided solution to see if it indeed satisfies everyone’s needs
Follow up the solution
After the solution has been tested for a short time, meet with other parties to see how things are going
If not satified changes may need to be mad