1. Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships
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2. What Is Love? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2h4PhgobI8
Classroom Discussion Topic: Can love be defined? Can it be meaningfully measured?
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3. What Is Love? Difficult to define and/or measure
Special attitude with behavioral and emotional components
Means different things to different people
Difficult to measure
Strong lovers made more eye contact in a psychological experiment
Classroom Discussion Topic: Can love be defined? Can it be meaningfully measured?
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4. Types of Love Passionate love
State of extreme absorption in another person
Also known as romantic love
Romantic, passionate love is fleeting, says Elaine Hatfield, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Hawaii who has been studying love since the 1960s. "Passionate love provides a high, like drugs, and you can't stay high forever," she says. In fact, companionate love-the less passionate, but affectionate emotion that is associated with long-term commitment-declines over time as well, says Hatfield. (Source: APA)
Classroom Discussion Topic: What characterizes passionate love and companionate love?
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5. Types of Love Companionate love
Characterized by friendly affection and deep attachment based on extensive familiarity with the loved one
Classroom Discussion Topic: What characterizes passionate love and companionate love?
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6. What Is Love?
Psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, PhD, thinks that love doesn't have to decline, but in order for it to flourish, both partners must share the same love "story."
"If the stories don't match, sooner or later people become unhappy or unfulfilled," he found, adding that the more people's stories matched, the happier they were.
Classroom Discussion Topic: Can love be defined? Can it be meaningfully measured?
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7. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Love has three dimensions
Figure 7.1 In Sternberg’s love triangle, various combinations of three components of love (passion, intimacy, and commitment) make up the different kinds of love. Note that nonlove is the absence of all three components.
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Caption: In Sternberg’s love triangle, various combinations of three
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8. Sternberg’s Love Components
Figure 7.2 Sternberg theorizes that the passion component of love peaks early in a relationship and then declines, whereas the other two components, intimacy and commitment, continue to build gradually over time.
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9. Falling in Love: Why and With Whom?
The chemistry of love
Neurotransmitters: norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine (PEA), and endorphins
Strong link between feelings of being in love and release of neurotransmitters
Potential impact of hormonal contraception use in women
Reduced attractiveness to potential partners due to altered chemical fertility signals
Classroom Discussion To
Helen Fisher’s TED talk on the neurobiology of love pic: What factors influence our choice of a mate?
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10. Proximity and Similarity
Geographic nearness of one person to another
Mere exposure effect: familiarity breeds liking or loving
Greater proximity often reflects shared interests
Similarity of beliefs, interests, and values
Level of physical attractiveness
Age, educational status, and religion
Race and ethnicity
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11. Reciprocity and Physical Attractiveness
When we are recipients of expressions of liking or loving, we tend to respond in kind
Increases self-esteem
Physical attractiveness: physical beauty
Important in early stages; draws people together
May be an indicator of physical health
Males place greater emphasis on physical attractiveness
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12. Love and Styles of Attachment
Attachment: intense emotional tie between two individuals
Rooted in infancy
Ainsworth’s attachment styles
Secure, insecure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant attachment
Adult intimate relationships as an attachment process
Parent-child attachment styles are transferred
Classroom Discussion Topic: How do various styles of attachment form, and how do they influence how we relate to others?
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13. Love and Styles of Attachment
Classroom Discussion Topic: How do various styles of attachment form, and how do they influence how we relate to others?
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14. Issues in Loving Relationships
Relationship between love and sex
Relationship between the two is not always clear
e.g., “friends with benefits”
Gender differences: women may feel more emotionally involved
Classroom Discussion Topic: Does sexual intimacy deepen a relationship?
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15. Jealousy in Relationships
Jealousy-prone person
Tends to have low self-esteem and place a high value on wealth and popularity
Jealousy precipitates partner violence
Sex differences
Women are more likely to acknowledge feelings of jealousy
Men tend to focus more on sexual involvement with another
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16. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
Ingredients in a lasting love relationship
Self-acceptance and acceptance of partner
Appreciation of each other and commitment
Good communication, realistic expectations, and shared interests
Equality in decision making
Ability to face and deal with conflict
Classroom Discussion Topic: What ingredients do most lasting, satisfying love relationships have in common?
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17. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction (cont’d.)
Characteristics of high quality relationships
Supportive communication
Companionship
Sexual expression and variety
Seeing partner as a best friend
Maintaining frequent positive interaction
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18. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction (cont’d.)
Sexual variety: an important ingredient
Communication is critical: talk about desires, needs, and feelings
Be spontaneous: avoid routine times and places
Do not let questions of what is “normal” get in the way
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19. Importance of Sexual Communication
Most important role of communication
Establish and maintain consent in sexual experiences
Mutual empathy
Underlying knowledge that each partner in a relationship cares for the other and knows that this care is reciprocated
Classroom Discussion Topic: What is the basis for effective sexual communication?
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20. Talking: Getting Started
Ways to break the ice
Talking about talking
Discuss why it is hard to talk about
Talk about nonthreatening topics (e.g., birth control methods)
Reading and discussing
Books and articles
Sharing sexual histories
Depends on needs and feelings
Classroom Discussion Topic: What kinds of strategies can make it easier to begin communication about sex?
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21. Listening and Feedback
Good listening traits
Be an active listener
Maintain eye contact
Provide feedback
Support your partner’s communication efforts
Express unconditional positive regard
Classroom Discussion Topic: What are key traits of good listeners?
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22. Discovering Your Partner’s Needs
Asking questions
Yes/no questions
Open-ended questions
Either/or questions
Self-disclosure
Requires give and take
Internet relationships: rapidly evolving
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23. Discovering Your Partner’s Needs (cont’d.)
Discussing sexual preferences
Matter of preference: some feel comfortable; some do not
Giving permission
Providing reassurance to one’s partner that it is okay to talk about specific feelings or needs
Classroom Discussion Topic: What are effective ways of learning about your partner’s wants and needs?
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24. Learning to Make Requests
Taking responsibility for our own pleasure
People are not mind readers
Making requests specific
The more specific the request, the more one will be understood
Using “I” language
Forthright approach brings about the desired response more easily
Classroom Discussion Topic: How can we effectively express our sexual needs?
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25. Expressing and Receiving Complaints
Constructive strategies for expressing complaints
Choose the right time and place
Temper complaints with praise
Avoid “why” questions
Express negative emotions appropriately
Limit complaints to one per discussion
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26. Expressing and Receiving Complaints (cont’d.)
Acknowledge a complaint and find something to agree with
Ask clarifying questions
Express your feelings
Focus on future changes you can make
Classroom Discussion Topic: What strategies can help us constructively register a complaint with a partner and respond to complaints
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27. Saying No Three step approach to saying no
Express appreciation for the invitation
Say no in a clear, unequivocal fashion
Offer alternatives
Avoid sending mixed messages
When nonverbal messages contradict verbal messages, partners can have difficulty grasping our true intention
Classroom Discussion Topic: What are potentially useful ways to say no to intimate involvements?
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28. Nonverbal Sexual Communication
Facial expressions
Often communicate feelings
Interpersonal distance
Personal space
Touching
Can convey special messages or defuse anger
Sounds
Can indicate, hinder, or increase arousal
Classroom Discussion Topic: What aspects of nonverbal communication have particular significance for our sexuality?
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29. Communication Patterns in Relationships
Gottman’s constructive communication tactics
Leveling and editing
Validating
Volatile dialogue
Gottman’s destructive communication tactics
Criticism and contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Belligerence
Classroom Discussion Topic: What patterns of couple communication characterize successful and unsuccessful relationships?
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30. Communication Patterns in Relationships
Gottman’s constructive communication tactics
Gottman’s Constructive Communication Tactics Leveling and Editing: ◦ Use “I” Statements ◦ “I feel” Statements work well ◦ Edit things out that will be hurtful to our partners and are not relevant to the discussion at hand  Don’t bring up a conversation from 3 weeks ago about something completely unrelated 
Gottman’s Constructive Communication Tactics Validating: Tells our partners that we are listening to their point of view and that we can understand why they feel or think the way they do ◦ Avoid being dismissive ◦ “I acknowledge your point of view, but I don’t necessarily agree with it” 
Gottman’s Constructive Communication Tactics Volatile Dialogue: CONFLICT CAN BE HEALTHY! Couples in the early stages of the relationship who experienced some conflicts and arguments reported less satisfaction than early stage couples who rarely or never argued, but after 3 years the opinions changed and people who occasionally argue report more relationship happiness.
Classroom Discussion Topic: What patterns of couple communication characterize successful and unsuccessful relationships?
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31. Communication Patterns in Relationships
Gottman’s Destructive Communication Tactics Criticism: involves the expression of contempt and denigration can harm a relationship ◦ Complaints are effectively registered with someone’s character and as a personal attack when you use “you” Statements 
Gottman’s Destructive Communication Tactics Contempt: Degrades communication even more through an intense use of insults, sarcasm, and even name calling. ◦ Can also be expressed nonverbally by sneering, rolling ones eyes, or ignoring a partners thoughts or messages ◦ This tactic causes emotional pain and does nothing to resolve the issues ◦ It creates more defensiveness, resentment, and erodes a relationship. 
Gottman’s Destructive Communication Tactics Defensiveness: Constructing a defense rather than attempting to discuss and resolve an issue Self protective responses, making excuses, denying responsibility, or replying with criticism of one’s own. 
Gottman’s Destructive Communication Tactics Stonewalling: When a person concludes that any response to a partners criticism or complaint will not be helpful or productive and therefore decides not to respond at all. 
Gottman’s Destructive Communication Tactics Belligerence: Confrontational interaction likely to emerge as a relationship suffers from prolonged patterns of poor communication. ◦ Entails a purposely provoking style of interaction intended to diminish or challenge a partners right to influence patterns of interaction in a relationship. ◦ Using terms like “What are you going to do about it?” or “Make me” and not in a fun flirty way. 
Classroom Discussion Topic: What patterns of couple communication characterize successful and unsuccessful relationships?
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32. Summary
Love is a special kind of attitude, with strong emotional and behavioral components
The way we form attachments, which has its roots in infancy, greatly affects how we relate to loved partners
Various perspectives exist on the connections between love and sex
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