1. Finding the Love of Your Life Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner
Neil Clark Warren, PH.D.

2. #1: Eliminate the Seven Most Prevalent Causes of Faulty Mate Selection.
The decision to get married is made too quickly.
The “task” of marriage is being underestimated.
The maturity it takes is not yet developed.
Much more complicated than movies make it out to be.
When people take 2 to 3 years to consider their relationship, they are more likely to make a wise choice.

3. Continued… The decision is made at too young an age.
Young people can’t select a marriage partner very effectively if they don’t know themselves well.
You need more life experience, to make the decision to marry!
You should take seriously the need to wait until you have personally developed your identity and life goals.

4. Continued… One or both persons are too eager to be married.
May be tired of being alone.
Afraid their partner will change their mind.
People become “overeager” because of the powerful excitement that comes with getting married.
A lifetime decision requires a clear, unhurried mind.

5. Continued…. One or both may be choosing a mate to please someone else.
You must make this decision in light of your own needs and dreams and life objectives….
Friends and family know you well. You should listen to their input, and consider what they have to say.
Sometimes parents think they can make this decision for you, better than you can.

6. Continued…. The experience base is too narrow.
When couples have not experienced a variety of circumstances and situations necessary to really know someone (not necessarily that they have not dated long enough).
It is crucial to broaden you experiences with one another as much as possible!
The more experiences you have together, the better your chances of avoiding hidden surprises.

7. Continued…. The couple has unrealistic expectations.
If couples know that pain and strain are inevitable, they have a significantly better chance of dealing effectively with them.
The key is to be aware of what you are getting into so you won’t be shocked and turned off to one another.
Successful marriages require an ENORMOUS amount of hard work.

8. Continued….
One or both may have un-addressed significant personality or behavior problems.
If there are qualities about your partner that you question, ask yourself if you are willing to spend the rest of your life dealing with these problems.
(jealousy, temper, irresponsibility, dishonesty, stubbornness etc.).
--Your partner will have little motivation to improve the behavior once you are married.
--The stress of marriage tends to magnify problems and make them much more difficult to manage.

9. #2 Develop a Clear Mental Image of Your Ideal Spouse.
Influences in your life including your parents, relatives, teachers, coaches, and others all have certain qualities that help you form your “perfect-spouse” image
What type of personality do you want your future mate to have?
Couples do best when they are matched to someone similar in intelligence
Couples should have about the same amount of ambition if their marriage is to endure

10. Continued…
When spouses have different amounts of inner drive, it can cause intense frustration and conflict.
Attraction is critical for long-term satisfaction in marriage.
Having a similar religious background is important to marriage because of the traditions and customs the partners will have in common.

11. Continued….
Your spouses character is obviously an important factor to consider.
If you desire to have a family, finding a mate who shares that goal will make your life significantly more rewarding.
The best marriages require two authentic people.
The two people should be as true to each other and true to themselves.

12. Activity for Your NOTES…
Rank the following characteristics in order from the most important characteristics to you to the least important characteristics to you. Then, explain why.
Personality
Intelligence
Appearance
Ambition
Chemistry
Spiritually
Character
Creativity
Parenting
Authenticity

13. #3 Find a Person to Love Who Is a Lot Like You…..
The most stable marriages are those involving two people with similarities.
Every difference you have requires negotiation and adaptation.
What similarities are absolutely essential?
Intelligence- it doesn’t matter how “smart” the partners are, but it does matter how close they are intellectually
Values-
Intimacy-
Interests- when two people have several things they enjoy doing together, they will easily be able to enjoy life together
Expectations about roles- both partners have compatible ideas about their duties and responsibilities in the relationship and household

14. Continued… Differences that spell trouble.
Energy level- can show up in a variety of situations.
Personal habits- punctuality, cleanliness, orderliness, dependability, responsibility, weight management.
Use of money.
Verbal skills and interests-.
The list goes on and on….

15. Continued….
Both partners must have flexibility to make adjustments in the marriage.
If the qualities that attract you to someone in the beginning are very different from your own, be cautious!!!
Stable and satisfying relationships involve two people who are very much alike.

16. #4 Get Yourself Healthy Before You Get Married.
Emotional and mental health contributes significantly to marital strength
Getting married will not solve your mental or emotional problems
Key problems:
Anger mismanagement
Excessive admiration of one’s self
Manic-depressive
Addictions
Parental issues

17. #6 Let Passionate Love Mature Before You Decide to Marry.
What does compassionate love look like?
An unselfish commitment to your lover’s happiness.
Compels you to enjoy what your partner enjoys.
You allow your partner to have individual interests.
Freedom to share your real, authentic self with your partner.
Requires trust and trustworthiness.
Couple has shared dreams and plans for reaching them.

18. #7 Master the Art of Intimacy.
Sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears and joys.
Intimacy requires a desire to know others.
Intimacy involves shared emotions and experiences.
Intimacy helps you assess your relationship.

19. #8 Learn How to Clear Conflict From the Road of Love.
Conflict is easily resolved if the partners’ basic attitudes toward each other are healthy.
It becomes dangerous and difficult when one or both persons feel uncared for, misunderstood and minimized.
You must learn how to manage conflict effectively in order to maintain a lasting marriage.

20. #9 Refuse to Proceed Until You Can Genuinely Pledge Your Lifelong Commitment.
In your wedding vows, you commit yourself to:
Love your mate until one of you dies.
Honor your mate “ “ “ “ “.
Cherish your mate “ “ “ “ “.
Not to be involved with any other.
Perform all the duties of a spouse.
Be loving and faithful through every kind of circumstance for as long as the two of you live.

21. Continued….
If your mate changes over time, you are not released from your commitment.
If partners assume their marriage will last as long as they live, they will have a totally different attitude than if they expect to walk away if things don’t work out.

22. #10 Celebrate Your Marriage With the Full Support of Family and Friends.
When parents, friends or stepchildren are not supportive of your relationship, the risk of marital failure is greatly increased.
Couples need all of the support that they can get from the people who know them best.

23. Conclusion
An observance of the principles of this book will significantly increase your odds of a lasting and satisfying marriage.
You don’t have to write this-----.
Good luck with your pursuit to find the man or woman of your dreams!! I hope that you will use these tools when selecting a mate and I hope that you will have a successful, satisfying marriage in the future! Marriage can be AWESOME!!!!=).