2. Self Advocacy, Assertiveness, & communication under stress
By Amy Collins, Ph.D. and Megan Boutinen, M.A.
February 20, 2015

3. Overview Counseling Center services information Communication styles
Assertiveness strategies
Try it!
Other self-advocacy tips
Communicating effectively under stress
Feedback forms
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

4. Counseling Center 4th floor of Schmitz Hall
Confidential; free to students
Services
Short-term individual therapy, group therapy, crisis visits, referral services, career assessment (small fee), biofeedback, light therapy, outreach
Common reasons people visit us
Anxiety, depression, stress, relationship problems, family issues, identity concerns, traumatic experiences, uncertainty about major or career, concerns about substance use, eating and body image issues, and many others
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

5. Communication styles Passive Passive Aggressive Aggressive
Communicator: Likely to be dismissed, feel unheard, become resentful
Others: May become frustrated or confused, unsure what you want
Passive Aggressive
Communicator: Often feels like a victim, may lack confidence needed to communicate directly
Others: Likely to become angry and feel manipulated
Aggressive
Communicator: May not trust others to respond well, feels a need to be in control, finds that many interactions become conflictual
Others: Become defensive or shut down, feel angry or embarrassed
Assertiveness
Both people: Likely to feel respected and able to communicate productively
This is one way of categorizing communication styles. Many people use multiple styles depending on the circumstances but assertiveness is generally the most useful. Communication also varies by culture, and assertiveness may look different in some cultures (e.g., communicating clearly but using more non-verbals than explicit verbal statements).
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

6. Effectively used, Assertiveness & Self-advocacy both
Clearly communicate what you want or set a boundary
Increase likelihood others will respond positively
But do not guarantee you will get what you ask for
Show respect for everyone involved
Reflect self-confidence
Can be used in professional and personal communication
Are conducive to ongoing relationships/collaboration
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

7. Basic Technique
I feel _____________ because/when________________. What would help is __________.
(emotion word) (facts, not attacks)
I feel dismissed when I share an idea and you roll your eyes. What would help is if we could each share our ideas and discuss them respectfully.
I feel angry because you are too lazy to do your part of the work. It would help if you started acting like an adult.
I feel frustrated because we agreed to meet at 3:00 and you arrived at 4:15. It would help for us to find meeting times that work for both of us, and to let each other know if we can’t make it on time.
I feel sad because I’m obviously not good enough for you to respect me. I guess it would help if I just shut up.
Are these good or bad examples? How could they be improved?
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

8. Try it! Write your own responses on the worksheet:
A friend agreed to check on your pet while you were out of town overnight. You return home to find that they forgot you discussed this, so Snuggles was left all alone.
A classmate makes a couple of jokes at your expense in front of a study group. It bothers you but the classmate seems to think you don’t mind.
Practice on worksheet with above scenario. Then ask for a few examples.
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

9. Dearman technique Describe the situation briefly & factually
Emotion: I feel _(emotion word)__
Ask for what you want (or say no/set a boundary)
Reinforce: What’s in it for them? How does it benefit you both?
Mindful: Of your point. Stay on topic.
Appear Assertive: Body language, tone, volume
Negotiate (if appropriate)
*Include examples of what types of things are negotiable & what aren’t
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

10. DEARMAN Example
Describe: This is a busy time of the quarter in terms of school work, and that hiking trip is the weekend before my project is due.
Emotion: I feel overwhelmed.
Ask (or boundary/say no): I need to wait until spring break to plan a weekend away.
Reinforce: Waiting until I’m able to relax and enjoy the trip will make it more fun for both of us.
Mindful: You’re right, I have been too busy to do the dishes like I said I would. I’m happy to talk about that but let’s finish talking about the hiking trip first.
Appear Assertive: Calm, confident tone. Relaxed posture. Eye contact.
Negotiate: No, I can’t go this weekend either. However, I’m happy to decide now when we are going so we both know what to expect. I’m also open to ideas on which trail we take.
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

11. DEARMAN Example
Describe: (To your supervisor) This is the second consecutive week that I arrived for our weekly meeting and you were not present to meet with me.
Emotion: I feel anxious and frustrated.
Ask (or boundary/say no): I would like to confirm that we will both attend the next meeting so that I can get feedback and mentorship. Can we schedule a time?
Reinforce: Meeting regularly will allow me to perform my job most effectively, and give me the opportunity to ask questions and provide you with employee feedback.
Mindful: You’re right, I did not bring this up sooner. I’m happy to talk about that when we meet, but can we confirm our next meeting time first?
Appear Assertive: Calm, confident tone. Relaxed posture. Eye contact.
Negotiate: No, I can’t meet on Friday. However, I’m happy to move things around in my schedule next week, to make sure that we can meet.
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

12. Try it!
Write your own response on the worksheet: 1. Your supervisor frequently takes a week or more to respond to your s. Your work is sometimes slowed down because you cannot proceed until the supervisor answers your questions. 2. Your cousin asks you to pay her rent for the next school year because she feels too busy to work while attending school and does not want to take loans. You cannot afford to give her rent money and are just as busy as she is.
Practice on worksheet and share a few examples.
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

13. Other self-advocacy tips
Prioritize and know what you consider negotiable.
Needs vs. Wants
“Choose your battles”
Identify the most appropriate person or group to contact.
Good rapport with?
Authority to make decisions?
Can relate to your perspective/request, etc?
Consult about your planned approach to get a sense of how it comes across to others.
Communicate your rationale for any requests and be open to the other person’s perspective.
Identify and build on any common ground.
Agree to both think about it and meet again later if needed.
If your request is not met, ask if there are other options for addressing the issue.
If you agree to a plan, schedule a later time to discuss how things are going and adjust if needed.
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

14. If other communication styles are less effective, why do people use them?
Effective in short-term
Modeled for them**
Insecurity/fear preventing assertiveness
Other styles were reinforced in unhealthy relationships/systems
Unaware of ineffectiveness of their style
Difficult to stay calm, objective, & empathic during upsetting situations
**Other variations/approaches are sometimes actually the healthiest styles depending on cultural factors.
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

15. Why is communicating under stress difficult?
Your brain shuts down executive functioning – the prefrontal cortex is disengaged
This area regulates decision making, judgment, planning, and moral reasoning.
This can result in more impulsive, short-sighted behaviors.
Your brain turns on the “fight, flight, or freeze” pathways – the subcortical arousal system is engaged
Heart rate and repertory rates increase
Muscle tension increases
Emotional experience heightened
Activates memories of upsetting interactions in the past that may have nothing to do with the current person/situation
May feel a need to emotionally protect self by lashing out or shutting down
General stress impacts thinking, emotions, and communication even if the situation is not especially distressing (sleep deprivation, feeling overwhelmed). Something small may be the “last straw.”
Less intentionality – you may react automatically & fall into the pattern you are trying to avoid
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

16. Should I stop being stressed or stop communicating?
Stress reduction is helpful but no one can avoid all stress.
Skills for managing our stress and more effective communication:
Take deep breaths
Pause before responding (in person, by , etc.)
Reflect on your own contributions to conflict/stressful communication
Use empathy to connect
Can you relate to the other person’s emotion AND/OR perspective?
Consider your goals (“win” vs. resolve issue, remain professional, not burn bridges)
Mindfulness practices have been shown by research to reduce stress and improve healthy communication. This includes mindful communication specifically but any mindfulness activities are helpful.
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

17. Another strategy: Prepare in advance
Share your values and goals. Learn more about the other person’s values and goals.
Remember commonalities and differences if you later become frustrated with or confused by each other.
Ask each person to share:
Their working style, strengths, & areas where they want support from you/the group
What others may notice when they are stressed (or overwhelmed, upset), and what would help at those times (encouragement, talking it through, etc.)
How each person would prefer to address it if a disagreement arises
Discuss expectations up front
Who will do what? How and when will you meet or communicate? What is the timeline?
What happens if one of you becomes unable to meet the agreed upon expectations?
This is best done IN ADVANCE (not during a disagreement). Reduces unhelpful assumptions & provides helpful information.
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

18. Seek help if needed
Seek help/consultation from a staff adviser, faculty member, supervisor, etc. (different than gossiping), or ask a neutral person to mediate.
Seeking appropriate consultation and support is an important skill for professionals to have throughout their careers.
If your stress level is interfering with communication or other aspects of your life, consider seeking counseling at the Counseling Center or elsewhere.
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

19. Wrapping up Questions & comments Feedback forms
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015

20. Reference
McKay, M., Wood, J. C., Brantley, J. (2007). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook: Practical DBT exercises for learning mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, & distress tolerance. New Harbinger Publications, Inc.: Oakland, CA.
Collins & Boutinen, Feb 2015