1. Parenting — Past, Present, and Future  Arlene R. Taylor PhD www.arlenetaylor.org Brain References

2. Care, love, guidance, rearing, and role-modeling given by parents, care providers, and teachers to those younger than themselves: biological, step, adopted, foster, relative’s children, students, … And reparenting yourself in adulthood—learning what wasn’t taught to you and/or recovering from what was done to you… Growing yourself up in the nurture and admonition of God (reparenting) —Ephesians 6:4 Parenting Definition  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc

3. Past Parenting  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc Most people parent others in the way they were parented—or 180 degrees different, if they didn’t like the parenting they received 180 degrees from dysfunctional is still dysfunctional Parents (adults) don’t always agree on parenting styles—this can be crazy- making for children, especially if the parents are separated or divorced

4. Evaluate Your Parenting  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc 1.Identify how you were parented; what parts worked and what parts didn’t This is not about blame! Most people did the best they could at the time with what they knew—if you don’t identify this you are highly likely just to repeat it (or 180 degree different) 2. Analyze your parenting style What parts do you want to keep and what parts do you need to tweak, develop, or hone?

5. Parent to the Child  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc Train up children in the way they should go (in keeping with their individual gifts or bent) and when they are old they’ll stick with it —Proverbs 22:6 Amplified Bible You can only teach what you know So you need to know yourself first Then you need to observe your child carefully who may be very much like you or very different...

6. Be the Best You Can Be...  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc Children and young people watch you all the time, even when you don’t think they are watching you They are much more likely to ‘do’ what they observe you do than what they hear you ‘say’ In order to help your children, you must first help yourself to be the best person you can be — Donald E. Sloat PhD

7. Message Content...  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc Researchers have studied how the message content of a person-to-person communication involving attitudes and emotions is conveyed: Words: 7% to 10% Voice tonality and inflection: 15% to 38% Non-verbal body language: 55% to 75% You may say “I love you” and if you’re angry they will sense the anger and not the love...

8. Positive Communication is Learned  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc It is both an art and a science – although many people have never developed the skills Growing up average person heard 7-9 negative comments for each positive one—their brains are filled with negative words and pictures Stop bothering me You are so dumb Can’t you do it right? I’m too busy now You’re an idiot! You’re a bad boy You’ll never amount to anything… If it wasn’t for you…

9. Key Skills  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc You can learn the skills required to think and speak positively any time you choose to do so—use short, positive, words and phrases and practice on yourself Say what to do (stop talking about what not to do) Have a few basic rules—Two Laws (Matt 22:34-40) Catch children doing what you want and affirm them for that (e.g., Joe, I appreciate you picking up your clothes; Jane, thank you for closing the door behind you; I am happy when I see you smile

10. God is all about freedom of choice Give your child lots of little choices every day (starting young) but only two at a time as the brain only has two hemispheres Select choices where either one is okay with you and avoid coercion (so the child chooses to make you happy or to get your approval... approval is that the child made a choice and affirm that) Choices  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc

11. Children feel secure when they know both the rules and consequences (but remember that the work of children is play) Have a few rules, explain them clearly, and stick to them but stop majoring in minors! Their brain’s aren’t done yet! Ignore the small stuff unless it will make a difference a year from now (your worth as a parent is not dependent on your child making no mistakes and not on ‘what will they think?’) Rules and Feeling ‘Safe’  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc

12. Carefully set your rules and boundaries and then allow them to experience the consequences— otherwise they’ll think they can have it all, fail to learn to take responsibility for their choices, and try to ‘find a way to avoid consequences’ for bad behaviors (for every action there is a reaction) Describe consequences based on the child’s developmental age (if this, then that), no coercion but consistent follow through …) (Skateboard or the zoo?) Consequences  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc

13. Do You Allow Consequences?  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc Humans tend to learn best by making an informed choice and then experiencing consequences (positive as well as negative) When a child does something kind they often receive kindness in return It can be painful to allow them to experience negative consequences of their choices … (32-year old and 8 totaled cars in 16 years...) (16-year old and spent the night in jail...)

14. Affiliation with Religion  Arlene R. Taylor PhD www.arlenetaylor.org Tend to be influenced to affiliate (or not) from what they learn at Sabbath or Sunday School and church Are aware of the presence or absence of congruence but isn’t a deal-breaker Tend to be influenced to affiliate (or not) by what happens in the home (e.g., is there congruence between stated beliefs and actual behaviors at home? If not, perceive hypocrisy and they may not affiliate)

15. Can You Be Trusted?  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc Trust is earned and learned or not through personal experiences day by day Do you promise carefully and then follow through on your promises? Do you set consequences fairly and carefully and then allow them to happen? When you can be trusted, your children are more likely to live in the moment AND keep an eye on long-term goals, making the choices necessary to be successful (there are no guarantees, however)

16. All children need exercise and most boys and extroverted children need to move to learn Read to them (best thing you can do to help them be good readers with good vocabularies); let them play with a quiet toy unless they want to sit beside you and look at the pictures Take quiet toys to meetings/church and they will not only listen better they just might avoid learning to hate going because they can’t do anything but sit still and be quiet... Let Them Move...  Arlene R. Taylor PhD www.arlenetaylor.org

17. God IS love and exhibits unfailing love towards all —1 John 4:7-8, Isaiah 54:10 Unconditional love is a choice and a principle—it cannot be earned and is given freely in spite of and no matter what—it is not for the weak or for sissies Mahatma Ghandi said ‘Only the strong can forgive.’ To paraphrase: only the strong can love unconditionally Love Unconditionally  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc

18. Unconditional love involves an life-long process of learning to let go: No clinging or playing favorites No living vicariously No trying to compensate for your child’s bad choices It never condones or enables bad behaviors or over-functions or under-functions or nullifies consequences—if you do the crime, you do the time—even as it continues to love (an oxymoron) Tough and Balanced  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc

19. Scriptural Role Model  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc Unconditional love is a brain-heart combination The parable of the Faithful Father, also known as the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-26) provides a role model for a very complex and distressing situation—the story is really more about the ‘father’ than the ‘son’ According to friends of mine in the Middle East, (the family would disown a son who showed such disrespect for the father... not give him his inheritance early)

20. Faithful Father Parable  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc What did the faithful father do? Allowed free choice and did not force a better decision Did not go out and search for him or find a way to send additional resources Allowed consequences to occur Trusted his history of unconditional love

21. Faithful Father Parable, Cont’d  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc Watched, hoped, and waited patiently Rejoiced when his child returned Avoided all ‘I told you so’s...’ Welcomed him home and restored him his position as ‘son’ Provided no additional inheritance

22. How Do You Love?  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc Do you continue to give your children money and resources under the mistaken belief that this is love? Do your family members perceive they are loved only when they meet your expectations? Do your children sense that you love them, period—even when they know you do not approve of their behaviors?

23. Future Parenting  Arlene R. Taylor PhD Realizations Inc It is not that I do not know what to do—it is that I do not do what I know —Confucius (551-479 BC) What I want to do I do not do but what I hate I do —Apostle Paul, Romans 7:15 NIV You can only do what you know When you know better you can do better Study to know better Then choose to do better Access willpower to do what you know...