Deborah Gilboa, MD RESILIENT KIDS 5 Tools for Raising Resilient Kids in a Military Family

WHY ARE WE HERE? MILITARY LIFE Moves Unpredictability Pressure Deployments War PTSD REGULAR LIFE Tattling Homework Friend drama Sibling struggles Disappointments Bullying

The ability to RECOVER from ADVERSITY! What do we know? –Bad things happen. –There are always choices to be made. –Feelings change over time. –Recovery requires tools and experience. What do they need? PRACTICE. WHAT IS RESILENCE?

RESILENCE ≠ STOICISM Resilience requires emotion – Ignoring emotions -> damaging behavior – Expressing emotions -> positive coping mechanisms – Teach this best by explaining AND modeling Resilience moves beyond emotion to action. What do they need? PRACTICE.

5 TOOLS 1.Build trust. 2.Share bad news. 3.Accept emotions. 4.Move toward action. 5.Guide THEIR plan.

BUILD TRUST What doesn’t work? –“Stop crying!” “Calm down.” “Just relax!” Why not? –Can I tell you how to feel? –Strong emotion is a sign of fight or flight. What does work? –Communication –Repetition –Modeling

SHARE BAD NEWS 1. Learn a little. 2. Pick a message. 3. Ask questions.

ACCEPT EMOTIONS MOVE TOWARD ACTION Give your child a map FROM EMOTION -> ACTION Empathy Get to the truth. Don’t offer solutions. Ask for options.

SO, WHAT’S THE PROBLEM? Love Empathy Helpfulness Greater resources Experience Habit Genuine enjoyment Fear Responsibility Overwhelming Deteriorating Future consequences Risking the relationship GUI LT.

CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIES The Myth: “Getting involved will make us both feel better!” The Truth: Stepping back helps kids become adults.

GATHER INFORMATION Ask your child Build a network Spend more time together Get help, persevere TRUST YOUR GUT

ONE STEP BACK Skill building Chores Homework Food Errands Extra-curriculars Relationship building Siblings Friends Other adults Problem-solving

GUIDE THEIR PLAN Let life teach the lesson! Praise the process. Play “What if?” Read a book or watch a show. What would you tell a friend? “I’ll be really interested to see what you do!”

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Available now! Available Sept 2014