Positive Communication: Real Strategies For Real Life Real Life Presented by: MCPS Employee Assistance Program

Outcomes Learn the STARR model for defusing conflict Learn the STARR model for defusing conflict Review the physiological impact of stress Review the physiological impact of stress Practice effective listening and speaking skills Practice effective listening and speaking skills Experience stress management techniques Experience stress management techniques

What Do We Mean by Defusing? What Do We Mean by Defusing?

Small Group Exercise Small Group Exercise How was conflict handled in How was conflict handled in your family? your family? How was conflict defused? How was conflict defused?

STARR Power S TOPand breathe S TOPand breathe T HINKthrough your options T HINKthrough your options A CTwith positive communication A CTwith positive communication R ESPECTyourself and the other person R ESPECTyourself and the other person R EWARDtake care of yourself R EWARDtake care of yourself

Stop Take a Deep Breath

Think Before You Act  Are you ready to listen ?  Are you labeling the person ?  How would you feel if you were in the other person’s shoes ? in the other person’s shoes ?

Act with Positive Communication Active Listening Skills combine listening and talking skills so that the other person feels understood

LISTEN SILENT

Pop Quiz Most of us are distracted about _____% of the time we think we are listening. Most of us are distracted about _____% of the time we think we are listening. Right after we listen to someone, we recall about ______% of what he or she has said. Right after we listen to someone, we recall about ______% of what he or she has said. Long-term we recall ____% of what we hear. Long-term we recall ____% of what we hear. _____ % of our communication is conveyed non- verbally. _____ % of our communication is conveyed non- verbally. *International Listening Association *International Listening Association

Answers Most of us are distracted about _75% of the Most of us are distracted about _75% of the time we think we are listening. time we think we are listening. Right after we listen to someone, we recall about _50% of what he or she has said. Right after we listen to someone, we recall about _50% of what he or she has said. Long-term, we recall 20% of what we hear. Long-term, we recall 20% of what we hear. 70% of our communication is conveyed non- verbally 70% of our communication is conveyed non- verbally *International Listening Association *International Listening Association

Listening Exercise

Active Listening Skills Body Language Body Language Door Openers Door Openers Paraphrasing Paraphrasing Reflecting Reflecting Summarizing Summarizing

BREAK

How do you start the conversation ? You know, the conversations you worry about and put off?

“You” Messages vs “I” Messages Why did you...? Why did you...? You always or You always or never... never... Yeah, but you... Yeah, but you... It’s your fault! It’s your fault! How come you...? How come you...? You made me angry You made me angry I hear... I hear... I feel... I feel... I assume... I assume... I want... I want... I need... I need... I don’t understand I don’t understand Do you mean...? Do you mean...?

Use “I” Messages I feel or think ___________________ I feel or think ___________________ when __________________________ when __________________________ because _________________________. because _________________________. I get frustrated when plans are made without checking with me first because I feel like you don’t care. I get frustrated when plans are made without checking with me first because I feel like you don’t care.

“You” Statements 1. Why did you cut me off in the meeting? 2. It isn’t my fault that you don’t have all of the necessary documents with you. 3. You complain about every little thing I do and never seem satisfied with my work. 4. You make me so mad because you never do anything around the house to help me. do anything around the house to help me.

Red Flag Why, but Why, but Problem, Problem, You have to You have to You should have done X earlier, You should have done X earlier, Unfortunately, there is really Unfortunately, there is really nothing I can do nothing I can do What they told you was incorrect What they told you was incorrect

The Top Ten Things to Say to Make an Angry Person Angrier 1. Calm down. 2. That's not my problem. 3. You're too sensitive. 4. Just shut up for a minute. 5. You’ve got to be kidding! 6. I just have to think of myself right now. 7. Don’t you think you’re overreacting? 8. You’re making a big deal out of nothing. 9. That’s what YOU think! 10. Like YOU’RE perfect!

Stick to the Facts Focus on the issue Focus on the issue Be specific about what you have Be specific about what you have observed observed Describe behaviors, not personal Describe behaviors, not personal characteristics characteristics

Green Flag “Is this a good time for you?” “Is this a good time for you?” What, how What, how Let’s, we Let’s, we I am sorry you’re upset”/ I apologize I am sorry you’re upset”/ I apologize Let me find someone who can help you Let me find someone who can help you Thank you for your opinion. I’ll think about it” Thank you for your opinion. I’ll think about it”

Respect Respect Yourself and the Other Person

Reward! Yourself...

DEEP BREATHING

Biodot Color Key More Relaxed Less Relaxed

MCPS EAP Assessment, short term counseling, Assessment, short term counseling, and referral and referral Confidentiality/records Confidentiality/records Other services: workshops, crisis Other services: workshops, crisis response response Access point for mediation Access point for mediation

Alternative Dispute Resolution Alternative Dispute Resolution Mediation as an option Mediation as an option CRCMC CRCMC MCPS Dispute Resolution MCPS Dispute Resolution Program Program

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