Effective Listening

State Standard Understand conditions, actions, and motivations that contribute to conflict or Understand conditions, actions, and motivations that contribute to conflict or to cooperation. to cooperation.

“’Seek first to understand’ involves a very deep shift in paradigm. We typically seek first to be understood. Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They are either speaking or preparing to speak. They are filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their autobiography into other people’s lives. If they have a problem with someone, their attitude is ‘That person just doesn’t understand.’” --Stephen Covey

“A conversation should not be a market in which one sells and another buys. Rather, it should be a bargaining back and forth, and each person should be merchant and buyer. My rubber plant for your victrola, each offering what he has and seeking his deficiency.” --Charles Brooks

Getting ready to listen: Getting ready to listen: 1. Be sincere. When you encourage someone to share his/her view, you must mean it.

2. Be curious. As you listen to their view, get to the source of their feelings. 3. Do not judge. Do not label them as Victim, Villain, or Helpless. Look for the rational reasons behind their feelings.

If you suspend judgment and assume they are basically good, you may understand their negative behavior. If you suspend judgment and assume they are basically good, you may understand their negative behavior. People can still be good, even if their actions are bad. People can still be good, even if their actions are bad.

4. Be patient. Wait for their emotions to settle down as you create safety.

Every feeling has a history. Look for the preceding causes. Every feeling has a history. Look for the preceding causes.

When someone does not want to talk, use AMPP. When someone does not want to talk, use AMPP. A sk M irror P araphrase P rime

Ask Ask Simply invite the other person to share his/her feelings. Mirror Mirror Describe how the other person appears to be feeling outwardly.

Paraphrase Paraphrase Let the other person know they have been heard by repeating back what they’ve said. Let the other person know they have been heard by repeating back what they’ve said.

Prime Prime State what you think the other person is feeling. Use this only as a last resort. Use this only as a last resort.

After using the techniques, move to Mutual Purpose by expressing concern for the other person’s needs. After using the techniques, move to Mutual Purpose by expressing concern for the other person’s needs. Ask what solution you both could agree on. Ask what solution you both could agree on.

WENDY: How could you embarrass me like that? I get one boy to like me, and now he’ll never talk to me again! I hate you! PARENT: That wasn’t a boy. That was a future inmate. You’re worth more than that. Why are you wasting your time with him? WENDY: You’re ruining my life! Leave me alone!

Wendy storms out. Slams the door of her bedroom.

PARENT: Wendy, may I talk to you a minute? WENDY: Whatever. PARENT: I’m really sorry for embarrassing you like that. That was a bad way to handle it. WENDY: It’s just that you do that a lot. It’s like you want to control everything in my life.

PARENT: Can we talk about that? WENDY: It’s no big deal. You’re the parent, right? PARENT: From the way you say that, it sounds like it’s a big deal. I really would like to hear what makes you think I’m trying to control your life. WENDY: What, so you can tell me more ways that I’m screwed up? I finally have one friend who accepts me, and you’re trying to chase him away!

PARENT: So you feel like I don’t approve of you, and your friend is one person who does? WENDY: It’s not just you. All of my friends have lots of boys who like them. Doug’s the first guy who’s even called me. I don’tknow—never mind. PARENT: I can see how you’d feel badly when others are getting attention from boys and you aren’t. I’d probably feel the same way. WENDY: Then how could you embarrass me like that?

PARENT: Honey, I’d like to take a stab at something here. I wonder if part of the reason you’ve started dressing differently and hanging out with different friends is because you’re not feeling cared about and valued by boys, your parents, and by others right now. Is that part of it? WENDY: Why am I so unattractive? I really work on how I look but…

Group Activity Write a script that depicts a crucial conversation using the AMPP technique (all four must be used). Roleplay in front of class.