+ Love & Intimacy in Marriage الحب والجنس في الزواج St George & St Joseph Coptic Orthodox Church, Montreal, QC Couples Meeting – September 22, 2015 Yousry Armanios, M.D.

Just MARRIED in the Paradise! “The two shall become one flesh. So then, they shall no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:5-6)

1Corinthians 7:3 One of the Most Critical Verses! It’s about Love in Marriage and the Marriage’s Success or Failure! “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her; and likewise also the wife to her husband”

Another Related Verse! (1Corinthians 7:4) “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does”

Our Objectives Today 1.To see how each spouse in marriage has own, God-given Rights, and; 2.To understand how to help ourselves stay secure as each spouse commits oneself to his/her Duties towards the other.

What We Expect from Marrying! 1.Our Needs Fulfilled 2.A Better Quality of Life 3.Successful Achievement of Life’s Mission

Areas of Spousal Interactions 1.Love & Affection 2.Intimacy & Sexuality 3.Communication 4.Validation & Affirmation 5.Boundaries 6.Dealing with All Other Needs

If Expectations are NOT met? 1.Disappointment Results! 2.Frustration Builds up! 3.Anger Manifests in Different Ways:

Anger & Resentment Four Alternatives: 1. Direct Hostility & Aggressiveness 2. Passive Aggressiveness & Resistance: a. Silent Noncompliance b. Stubbornness c. Purposeful (Selective) Forgetfulness 3. Self-Blame/Suppression (for how long?) 4. Depression & Acting-out!

Between “Rights & Duties” (Two Statements) 1. The Balance between Rights & Duties is what would determine success or failure of human social and societal relationships in general. 2. In marital relationships, this Balance may determine the Marriage’s Functionality as well as its Fate, and consequently, the entire Family’s Health.

“Authority” & “Due Affection” Two Questions: Question One: Do you understand, and are you aware of all Your Spouse’s Needs for Love, Affection and Sexual Fulfillment? Question Two: Are you ready to meet honestly all these Needs to the best of your ability?

The Bible & Intimacy Seven Principles!

Seven Critical Biblical Principles 1.To the pure, “All things are pure”! 2.The Marriage “Bed is undefiled”! 3.Submitting to one another 4.Render due affection to each other 5.You have NO authority over your body! 6.Do not deprive one another 7.Abstain temporarily and with consent

1. All Things Are Pure! “To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; but even their mind and conscience are defiled.” (Titus 1:15)

2. Undefiled Marriage Bed “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled.” (Hebrews 13:4)

3. Submission in Love! “Submitting to one another in the fear of God; Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is the head of the Church; and He is the Savior of the body… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for Her…” (Ephesians 5: 21-23)

4. Fulfill Each Other! “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3)

5. You Have NO Authority! “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Corinthians 7:4)

6. Do NOT Deprive One Another! “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self- control” (1 Corinthians 7:5)

7. Abstinence with Consent, And Temporarily! “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self- control” (1 Corinthians 7:5)

Failure to Pay the Dues! The Dynamics of Affairs: Affection & Desire

1. “Affection” Factors 1.Spouse’s own background & experience 2.How marriage began (The Honeymoon)? 3.How do you communicate? 4.How do you overcome rust & boredom? 5.How do you resolve your conflicts? 6.Do you have any joint spiritual activities? 7.How is your Family System functioning?

2. “Desire” Factors 1.Gender & Age Differences 2.Personal Background (Abuse?) 3.Mental Health (Depression?) 4.Religious beliefs & attitudes 5.Impact of Media (The Surreal World) 6.Fulfillment & Experience in Marriage 7.Availability for each other

3. Other Factors A.“No” or “Little” Desire? B.Factors affecting “Arousal” C.Factors affecting “Gratification”

The “Brewing” Affair The “Ominous” Signs! The “Workaholic” Spouse (Married to His/Her Job!) The “Distracted” Spouse (Confused Priorities) The “Emotionally Dry” Spouse (No or Little Feelings to Show) The “Abusive” Spouse (When We Lose the Boundaries) The “Addicted” Spouse (Obsessed with His/Her Habit)

10 Husband’s Common Stereotypes 1. She’s not cheerful, always showing the “111” 2. She’s a complainer, all the time! 3. She doesn’t respect me or my manhood 4. She doesn’t care to look attractive to me 5. She doesn’t pay attention to her hygiene 6. She reports our private life daily to her parents 7. She doesn’t give me her body when I need 8. She doesn’t like my way of making love to her 9. She’s becoming so boring! 10. She puts my needs behind our children’s

10 Wife’s Common Complains! 1. He doesn’t spend enough time with me! 2. He’s nice to his mom & family, never to me! 3. He talks to me only when he needs something! 4. He’s nice to me only after 9pm! 5. He’s too busy with his job, friends or own life! 6. He’s always critical of how I look! 7. He doesn’t come close unless I ask him 8. Making love is not pleasurable to me at all 9. He doesn’t shower unless I complain 10.Other men tell me I’m beautiful. He never does!

You’ll resolve serious problems or conflicts through (Select One): 1. Direct communication between you and your spouse 2. Avoiding to address the problem until time may resolve it 3. Asking a priest or the Bishop to intervene 4. Asking your spouse’s parents to convince him/her to listen to you 5. Asking a mediator, like a friend, for help

You’ll resolve serious problems or conflicts through (Select One): 6. Taking a break away from your spouse by staying with your own parents or relatives 7. Cheating on your spouse 8. Seeing a lawyer for a legal advice 9. Calling 911, especially when your spouse resorts to violence 10. Filing for legal separation or divorce

Ten Tips to Keep Your Marriage HEALTHY! 1.Remember, it’s God who’s joined you together! 2.Remember: Love NEVER Fails, NOR Cheats! 3.Free yourselves of past negative experiences 4.Celebrate your Anniversary twice a year! 5.Redo Honeymooning every couple months 6.Communicate Love, Communicate Needs 7.Do joint activities as often as possible 8.Frequently review all Good Memories together 9.Never rely on dirty sources for sex information 10.Seek counseling early before things get worse

And Finally Remember: “With God, all things are possible!” (Mark 10:27)

Thank You! Contact Information: Name: Dr. Yousry Armanios Address: