SINGLENESS THE NUMBERS, MYTHS, RISKS AND GIFTS! UNDERSTANDING THE REALITIES Dennis Franck, Director Single Adult/Single – Parent Families Assemblies of God, USA

Never married64.5 M 27.5% Divorced25.0 M 10.6% Widowed14.3 M 6.0% M 44.1% Separated 5.5 M 2.4% Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Current Population Survey, 2012 Social & Economic Supplement 44 % U.S. ADULTS NOT MARRIED (AGE 18+)

Median Age at First Marriage MenWomen census bureau demographics

Growth of Single Person Households % of all households % of all households % of all households % of all households America's Families and Living Arrangements: Release/www/releases/archives/families_households/ html

UNMARRIED HOUSEHOLDS… MARRIED HOUSEHOLDS… Married households –55.2 million……………49.8 percent51.0 percent All marriages - 1 st, 2 nd, 3 rd etc. Unmarried households –55.8 million ……………50.2 percent49.0 percent 14 million single women 5 million single men million single, “non family”- friends of same/opposite sex -Reported in 10/15/06 Yahoo News, Maxim Kniazkov U.S. CENSUS BUREAU American Community SurveyCENSUS BUREAU

THE FACE OF THE FAMILY HAS CHANGED! Nuclear Family

Single - Parent Family Step/Blended - Parent Family

Single – Parent & Step Families S P households % of households with children under million children live in a home absent their father 4 of 10 children - born to unmarried parents—( 2010) Nuclear families (both original parents) - 24% of all families --Horn, Wade F., President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, Gaithersburg, Md Average duration of marriage before divorce – 8 Years …..1 st Marriage 6 Years….2 nd Marriage --American Blended Family Association ,100 new blended families formed daily in U. S. 68% of blended family re-marriages fail within 6 years --“Family” Barna Research Online

Divorce/ Divorce/Remarriage 43 percent of first marriages divorce 1 60 percent of remarriages with children divorce 1 65 percent of remarriages with children from a prior marriage divorce 1 65 percent of simple stepfamilies (1 partner with a child) divorce 2 70 percent of complex stepfamilies (both partners have children) divorce 2 1 January 9, 2006, Newsweek, “The ‘Familymoon’” 2 In her book For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, Dr. Hetherington specifies the divorce rate for step-couples to be “50 percent higher in remarriages with stepchildren” Specifically, then, the divorce rate is 65-70%. (p. 178).

COHABITATION-U. S – 7.8 million unmarried-partner households ( million) America’s Families and Living Arrangements: 2012 Over half of all marriages preceded by cohabitation Over half of women cohabitate by age 25 –20% become pregnant in 1 st year Half of yr. olds have cohabitated 21 % of all unmarried-partner households include children National Marriage Project – U. of VA – Step Family Association of America

IN U. S. 44% OF ALL ADULTS ARE SINGLE OR SINGLE- AGAIN! (AGE 18+) IN MANY CHURCHES, ONLY 25-35% OF ADULTS ARE SINGLE/SINGLE-AGAIN! WHY DO OUR CHURCHES HAVE A SMALLER PERCENTAGE THAN SOCIETY HAS?

A SURVEY OF SINGLENESS IN THE CHURCH UNMARRIED - SINGLE, SINGLE-AGAIN… ALL AGES… YRS.  NEVER MARRIED  FORMERLY MARRIED  WIDOWED  SINGLE PARENT  SEPARATED

SINGLENESS IN THE CHURCH MARRIED NOW BUT WERE SINGLE-AGAIN DUE TO…  DEATH OF A MARRIAGE  DEATH OF A SPOUSE

SINGLENESS IN THE CHURCH HAVE A RELATIVE WHO IS…  DIVORCED  WIDOWED  NOT MARRIED-18 YRS OR OLDER  SEPARATED

A Survey of Singleness If you are helping/working in the Young Adult OR Single Adult Ministry, stay standing.

UNIQUE INTERESTS/NEEDS OF SINGLE ADULTS WHERE IN THE CHURCH ARE THESE ADDRESSED?  Rearing kids alone  Shared parenting  Relating to my former spouse  Managing sexuality as a single adult  Financial issues as a single  Building healthy relationships with same/opposite sex  Relating to spouse during separation  Forgiving my former spouse  Contentment as a single adult  Dating/dating again  Divorce Recovery  Grief Recovery  Learning to trust again  Loneliness and singleness  Singleness in a family-oriented church  Finding my career  Pre - marital education  Re – marital education  Blending families  Relating to married adults as a single adult  Adjusting to widowhood  Healthy step-parenting

THE NEEDS… CONSIDER THESE COMMENTS… “Out of the divorces, widowhood, the singles bars, clubs, apartment and condominiums, comes a torrent of need, and it is flowing right past the door of our churches...there is boundless talent and creativity in this flood of young adults/single adults. The church can help and it can also be helped. It can give and it can receive. OPPORTUNITY IS THERE! WHAT WILL WE DO?” - Edward & Gwen Weising, Authors of Singleness-An Opportunity for Growth and Fulfillment

THE CHURCH MUST REACH NEW TYPES OF “FAMILIES” & HOUSEHOLDS 1.SINGLE – PERSON 2.SINGLE – PARENT 3.STEP - PARENT 4.BLENDED – PARENT 5.NUCLEAR - PARENT 6.EXPANDED 7.GRANDPARENT 8.KINSHIP 9.UNMARRIED PARENT 10.HOMOSEXUAL PARENT 11.HOMOSEXUAL/HETEROSEXUAL 12.NON - FAMILY 13.COMBINATION OF ANY OF THESE

MYTHS - SOME THINK… Everyone should get married Something’s wrong with you if not married Staying single means I won’t be hurt again Singleness is the worst possible alternative Single women are irresponsible Single women are desperate CHRISTIANS MUST REJECT MYTHS AND STEREOTYPES ABOUT SINGLE ADULTS!

MYTHS – SOME THINK… SINGLE ADULTS… Have fewer problems than married adults Have more time than married adults Have more money than married adults Want your spouse Are afraid of making a commitment Are not complete till married Are always “on the prowl” Are losers Are lonely Are rich CHRISTIANS MUST REJECT MYTHS AND STEREOTYPES ABOUT SINGLE ADULTS!

MYTHS – SOME THINK… Older single adults: Have no/little energy Are feeble – minded Are feeble - bodied Are too old – fashioned to be relevant Can’t relate to married adults Others? CHRISTIANS MUST REJECT MYTHS AND STEREOTYPES ABOUT SINGLE ADULTS!

Single Adults – Risks Faced (possibly without relative or caretaker) Health issues Physical – Falls, accidents, other Mental – Memory loss, dementia, Alzheimer's, other (Dad) Financial issues Tax, retirement, estate issues (personal/parental) Assisted living/nursing care issues Poor management and/or less income Emotional issues »Loneliness – No/distant family (Dick – many issues) » Few/no friends

Single Adults – Risks Faced (possibly without relative or caretaker) Transportation issues Housing issues Safety issues Nutrition/meal issues Making decisions alone Others?

Single Adults - Risks To Take Develop friendships – Need male/female friends! Friends we need: –Known - forever friend -Older - than - you friend –Skillful friend -Smarter - than - you friend –Adventurer friend -Knows/still-loves-you friend –Truthful friend -Different - theol. back. friend –Childhood friend - Spiritual friend –Youthful friend - Unbeliever friend --Which 3 are most helpful to you? --Which 3 would you most want to BE?

Single Adults - Risks To Take Risk being hurt – Love, help, give compassion Risk being misunderstood - Speak the truth in love ( Eph. 4:15) Risk your security - Move to a new location Risk Rejection/Disappointment – Flirt/Show interest Risk living the single life – I Cor. 7:8, Others?

Risks To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach out for another is to risk involvement. To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To hope is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love—or live. Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave, he has forfeited freedom.

Single Adults – GIFTS to Serve Time, talents, finances, creativity – I Cor. 7:32-35 –Time to develop –Flexibility to use Tithe, mission trip, church involvement No need to check with a spouse! God has ONE heart to convince! I COR.7:32-35 Singleness better for ministry I COR. 7: Paul encourages singleness Paul was single at this point

SINGLE ADULTS – GIFTS TO SERVE Other Gifts Developed During Life: Wisdom Compassion Counseling Giving Serving Prayer Other?

SINGLE ADULTS HAVE… MORE FREEDOM TO MAKE DECISIONS –TO SERVE –TO LEAD MORE FLEXIBILITY WITH… –SCHEDULE –TRAVEL –LIVING LOCATION –TIME (except single parents)

PERSONAL BIASES? CHOOSING LEADERSHIP IN THE CHURCH: PASTORAL STAFF… ELDERS… DEACONS… SMALL GROUP LEADERS… ADULT CLASS TEACHERS… –Look for married adults first?…Why? –Number of single adults in these positions? –% single leaders equal % of single adults in the church?

MARRIAGE DOESN’T MAKE A PERSON WHOLE OR MATURE PEOPLE ARE WHOLE & COMPLETE WHETHER MARRIED OR SINGLE! COL. 2:10 “YOU ARE COMPLETE IN HIM!”

SINGLE ADULTS SERVING Local outreach events Friendship evangelism Short/Long – term mission trips Teachers/Small group leaders/Music/Office/Greeters Ushers/Parking lot/Food/Committees/Missions/Trustees 50% of ministry done by single adults!

PEOPLE WHO MADE A DIFFERENCE ! JOSEPH-Fled advances of Potiphar’s wife LILLIAN TRASHER- Orphanage in Egypt CORRIE TEN BOOM-Survivor of death camps DIETRICH BONHOFFER-Writer/spiritual philosopher GRIMKE SISTERS-First women to speak publicly against slavery in the south MOTHER THERESA-Humanitarian IRENA SENDLER – Polish Catholic social worker – smuggled/rescued 2500 Jewish children

PEOPLE WHO MADE A DIFFERENCE! POPE BENEDICT XVI - Leader of the Catholic world HENRIETTA MEARS - Gospel Light Publishing founder EVANGELINE BOOTHE - Daughter of William Booth- helped to begin the Salvation Army CLARA BARTON - Founder of the Red Cross APOSTLE PAUL - Greatest missionary/author JESUS-Savior of the world THEY WERE ALL SINGLE ADULTS!

THINK ABOUT IT… IN THE BEGINNING… –The first humans were created single (Gen. 2:7) IN THE END… –We will all be single-again in heaven (Matt. 22:30) IN BETWEEN… –God sent a single adult to save us (John 1:12)

THREE SINGLE ADULTS WHO CHANGED THE WORLD! OUR FAITH IS BASED UPON: –A Jewish single adult from Galilee –Whose ministry was preceded by a single adult named John the Baptist –And whose mission thrust was modeled by a single adult named Paul

DISCUSSION 1. What impacted you? 2.What would you like married adults to understand? 3.What would you like pastors to understand? 4.What do you think needs to change? How can you be a part of the change? 5.What can you do differently to use your talents and abilities for the Lord and people?