THE COLLEGE ESSAY Showing Excellence

The Basics  The essay tells a story about the applicant  The essay never tells the reader directly  Instead, you show through concrete experiences

Setting it up  Capture interest within the first two sentences  Use detail and concrete experiences  Be concise  Pay attention to transition and sentence variety  Use active voice verbs  Don’t thesaurusize your essay  Conclude effectively  Give your draft to others  Revise, revise, revise

Capturing Interest  Sample 1: I volunteer as a Big Brother to a little boy. He lost his parents in a car accident a few months ago. From this experience, I hoped to help him cope with his loss and open up his personality by spending time with him after school on certain days.  Sample 2: While the other children played outside, eleven-year old Danny’s sad eyes focused on the white wall in front of him. He sat alone in silence – a silence that had imprisoned him since his mother and father died in a tragic accident.

Capturing Interest (cont.)  Which passage works better? Why?  Tips to follow:  Begin in the middle of the story  Hook the reader – a slight twist is not bad  Use lots of detail  General topics to avoid due to overuse:  Death  Divorce  Mission Trips  Teachers / Coaches

Use Detail and Concrete Experiences  Sample 1: I developed a new compassion for the disabled. (tell)  Sample 2: The next time that Mrs. Cooper asked me to help her across the street, I smiled and immediately took her arm. (experience)  Which passage works better? Why?  Again, show the reader who you are through examples

Be Concise  Sample 1: After Mike left, his loss hit me like a ton of bricks, out of which, when I was finally able to crawl, I had to come to terms with the difficult fact that best friends may come along only once in a lifetime, and it was unlikely I would find such a close friendship again since lightning doesn’t strike twice.  Sample 2: When Mike left, I lost the best friend I ever had, and I lost him forever.

Be Concise (cont.)  Which passage works better? Why?  Point out any clichés within either passage.  Don’t be wordy. When you start to string together a lot of little words (such as prepositional phrases), the writing becomes weaker.

Transitions and Sentence Variety  Sample 1: I started playing piano when I was eight years old. I worked hard to learn difficult pieces. I began to love music.  Sample 2: I started playing the piano at the age of eight. As I learned to play more difficult pieces, my appreciation for music deepened.  Which passage works better? Why?  Point out any flaws in either passage.

Using Active Voice  Sample 1: The lessons that prepared me for college were taught to me by my mom.  Sample 2: My mother taught me lessons that will prepare me for college.

Using Active Voice (cont.)  Avoid the passive voice  Test for passive voice  “Be” verb + past tense action verb  Rearrange the sentence to omit the “be” verb  This will make your writing more concise and show more action

Don’t Thesaurusize  Sample 1: As a neophyte in music, I attended myriad lessons.  Sample 2: As a young musician, I took many lessons.  Which passage works better? Why?  Use your natural language

A few last thoughts…  Conclude effectively  Avoid ending with “In conclusion…”  If you can, tie your essay up with the beginning story  Give your draft to others  Ask students, parents, teachers to examine your writing  Ask for input!  Revise, revise, revise  The writing should be flawless  Every sentence should be meticulously placed Nothing is ever there by chance!