It’s a family affair

 To look at addiction as to why it is a family disease.  Review and understand the roles we play, what enabling, codependency, and detachment are.  Take a closer look at Al-Anon.  Finally we will do an exercise to look at what survivor role we may have been in to begin working ourselves.

 “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” Maya Angelou

Everyone participates and has a role in the addiction.

 One person may be all that has and struggles with an addiction, but those around them are affected.  The addicted person’s personality is changed through addiction and family members adjust to accommodate the addicted person or persons.  Each person steps into a “role” to adjust or compensate for the lack of growth and communication.

 Day to day activities – sleeping, eating or mealtimes, extracurricular activities outside of the home.  Holidays or other family functions – adjusting times and days of celebrations or not celebrating them at all.  Ability to function when a perceived crisis or issue arises.

 Verbal abuse – Use of abusive and unkind words. Screaming and yelling at one another.  Mental/emotional abuse – Neglect, withdrawal of love and affection. Humiliation, belittling, criticizing and judging.  Physical abuse – Bodily harm. May result in injuries or even death.  Shame – Feelings of inadequacy and feeling intensely bad about oneself.  Guilt – Feeling bad about situation or event.

 Doing for others what they can do for themselves (“10 Ways”, 2012).  Protecting the chemically dependant person or alcoholic from consequences that they would otherwise have to face (“10 Ways”, 2012).  Protecting the chemically dependant person or alcoholic silently gives them permission to keep doing what they are doing.

 It is important to not cover for the chemically dependant person or alcoholic (“10 Ways”, 2012).  It is important to not lie for them or call into work for them (“10 Ways”, 2012).  Do not lend them any money or pay any of their bills for them (“10 Ways”, 2012).  Don’t make excuses for their behavior or habits (“10 Ways”, 2012).  Know that it is okay for them to face the consequences of their behavior and actions.

 A person that is dependent upon someone or something else.  (Beattie 1992)A preoccupation with another person to the point of taking responsibility for them.  (Beattie 1992)A need to control and take responsibility for the emotions and choices that another person makes.  (Beattie 1992)This immense responsibility affects all other choices and relationships in the non-addicted person’s life.

 Codependent believes that they are responsible for the addicted person’s addiction.  Codependent believes that they can control the use of the addicted person.

 The codependent does not really have any control over the choices and behaviors of the addicted person.  (Beattie 1992)There is no way to control someone who uncontrollable.  (Beattie 1992)There is no way to rescue someone who does not want to be saved. Continuous rescuing leads to resentment and anger.  (Beattie 1992)Ultimately the codependent is the one who ends up being controlled. Every action is based on what ifs and behaviors of the addicted person.

 “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” Maya Angelou

 (Beattie 1992)Take care of yourself, start meeting your own needs.  (Beattie 1992)Stop the rescuing efforts.  (Beattie 1992)Start living again, getting a hobby, taking a class.  (Beattie 1992)Learn to like and even love yourself.  (Beattie 1992)Make a list of things you do well.  (Beattie 1992)Get to know yourself again.

 Let go or be dragged. – Zen Proverb

 (Beattie 1992)Does not mean that we don’t care about the alcoholic or chemically dependent person.  (Beattie 1992)It is not a harsh exit from those around us that may be affecting us.  It is taking back our sanity.  It is allowing someone else’s journey to unfold independent of what we might think, worry about, try to change, or judge.  (Beattie 1992)It is trusting that our higher power is taking care of the other person, just as we are being taken care of also.

 Detaching simply allows us to focus on ourselves and let others focus on themselves. It gives us the freedom to be who we are and the freedom to allow others to be who they are.  No amount of worrying has ever changed anything.

 Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding. –Albert Einstein

 In order to cope and survive within a family dealing with chemical or alcohol dependency, children will take on survival roles.  According to (Curtis 1999) “most children in alcoholic families adjust to the family through roles they assume in order to survive (p. 79).  There are several possible roles that family members will step into to adjust the dependent’s behavior.

 According to (Curtis 1999) the roles are :Codependent, Family Hero, Scapegoat, Mascot, and lost child.  Over the next several slides we will go over what each role consists of.

 Is the enabling role that has a relationship with dependent.  The spouse usually steps into this role, however a parent or sibling may take this role on (curtis 1999).  Codependent assists and allows the addiction to flourish and believes that they have something to do with the behavior or that they cause the behavior.  Tending to believe that they are responsible for the behavior, they also believe that they can control the dependent’s use through their actions.

 Typically the oldest child in the family and is the eyes and ears of the family.  Takes a great amount of responsibility on themselves.  Often takes on endeavors and succeeds in them, giving the family a sense of pride despite a general self loathing that coexists within the child.  Hard working and is plagued with perfectionism.  Responds to the needs of other family members.

 The child in the family that is considered to be troubled.  Is considered to seek attention and the cause of the family problems.  Usually feels rejected and withdraws from the family.  Acts out due to the pain that they are feeling that is not addressed.  May take on their own chemical or alcoholic addiction.

 The child that brings laughter to the family during times of distress.  Brings relief through humor.  The mascot achieves distraction through changing the topic of discussion or by being a comedian.  Experience feelings of confusion and loneliness because no one ever really knows who they are and the tremendous amount of pain that they are feeling.

 Is the child that causes no distress and makes it possible for the family to continue to focus on the dependent person because of it.  Tends to steep in their own world finding things to do to keep busy.  The lost child is not communicated with and may be left out of many family activities or discussions.  This child has difficulty in making connections with other people and tends to be alone a lot which carries over into adulthood.

When we call upon the love of God and exercise pure intent, there will be miracles. - Kyron

 A caring place to share what you are going through living with an alcoholic or chemically dependent.  It is anonymous, only first names are given.  Focus is on taking care of oneself and changing how we view what’s going on within the family.  Through sharing situations and feelings, hope is provided as each person is supported by others attending the meeting.  No fees are required and is always free.

 Twelve steps and Twelve traditions are the cornerstone of the meetings and way that they are conducted.  It is not psychotherapy and you are not required to speak if you are not comfortable doing so.  Meetings are anonymous and no one is to discuss what was talked about.  wi.org/meetings/default.aspx Website to help find meetings near you. wi.org/meetings/default.aspx

 Services are provided to all people who love someone who is addicted to alcohol or chemical substances.  AlAteen is for teenagers who are faced with addiction within the family and same rules apply as Al Anon.

 Curtis, O. (1999). Chemical Dependency: A family affair (pp ). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.  Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself (pp ). Center City, MN: Hazelden  10 Ways you can avoid enabling an addict. (2012, May 18). In Recovering You. Retrieved December 1, 2013, from enabling-an-addict/

 Getting into small groups, review the survival roles.  Identify family members and possible roles that they have been in.  In each group discuss those roles and what role you identify with.  Homework: Begin a journal about your experiences and what your role has contributed to the issue of addiction within your family.