Promoting resilience in children Muriel MacKenzie Educational Psychologist

What is resilience?  Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity  Bouncing back means that people can carry on and even flourish after a set back  Parents can help children develop resilience

Why can it be hard for children to bounce back after a set back?

1. Over protection of children  Not allowing children to take appropriate risks  Feeling they need constant protection  Thinking that they cannot handle responsibility

2. Ignoring the importance of bad feelings  People think that bad feelings don’t have a purpose  They think that feelings such as shame, guilt and frustration are only negative  But, bad feelings do have a purpose – they galvanise us to do something different

3. Spotlight on the individual?  As a society are we focussing too much on the individual and how they feel?  Might this encourage young people to see themselves as the centre of the world?  Does this then lead to them blowing out of proportion any setbacks or challenges in life?

4. Black and white thinking?  Our culture views people as fixed entities, which are unchangeable, e.g. good / bad; smart / not smart  This type of thinking exaggerates the significance of failure and difficulties

5. Entitlement?  I want it now!  Our society makes people feel entitled  Celebrity culture encourages children to think that success should be instant  This makes children think that effort and hard work are not important  This can undermine resilience

6. The need to be perfect  Mass media encourages us to believe that we need to be perfect – to have the perfect job, perfect family, perfect house  This can make us feel inadequate and can exaggerate inevitable problems or difficulties  We are encouraged to compare themselves with the rich and famous

All of these factors undermine young people’s ability to bounce back

What can parents do to promote resilience in children?

1. Hold high expectations  Young people are capable  We need to challenge them  Expect them to reach their goals  Be confident – people reach goals at different points, but most get there in the end

2. Focus away from the self  Don’t make your child feel they are the centre of the universe  This undermines their wellbeing as it makes them exaggerate every minor incident  Encourage them to reach out, be kind and help other children

3. People are not born smart  Intelligence is not something that is fixed  Intelligence develops over time with learning and practice in skills  Encourage your child to see intelligence and ability as something they have to work at

4. Failure often leads to success  Encourage children to view failure in a different way  Failure is a learning opportunity  Talk about failures you have overcome – you are a role model

5. Normalise, don’t personalise  After a negative experience children often think that this type of thing only happens to them  Encourage children to view these setbacks as normal – everybody experiences them  Help them not to think that this is something which reflects badly on them

6. Bad feelings are normal  It is part of being human to experience negative emotions  Bad feelings are normal  Learning anything worthwhile requires frustration at times

7. Bad feelings don’t last  When children experience negative experiences they may think that they will always feel that way  We know from research that bad feelings don’t last  Remember to remind young people that these feelings will pass

8. Don’t worry or overprotect  Life is full of ups and downs  If you try and protect children from them they will not cope when they meet setbacks and will not be able to assess risks  Allow young people to make mistakes  Overprotection can make children more anxious and vulnerable

9. Perfection doesn’t exist  Everyone has flaws, even the most accomplished people  There is no standard for perfection  It is more important for children to try to do their best, rather than be the best

11. Encourage an optimistic thinking style  Optimism is about how you think about causes for events – ‘explanatory style’  Encourage children not to see bad events as lasting for ever (permanent)  Encourage them not to see them as affecting every area of their life (global)  Encourage them not see them as reflecting badly on them (internal)

The way we THINK influences how we FEEL and BEHAVE

10. Teach children skills  Children have an inbuilt need to learn  Help them learn life skills, e.g. reading, organising themselves, making friends, learning to ride a bike  Help them learn problem solving skills, e.g. 6 step problem solving plan / coping step plan

6 step problem solving 1.What is the problem? 2.What could I do? (encourage lots of ideas) 3.List what might happen for each idea 4.Pick the best solution 5.Do it! 6.Did it work?

Coping step plan Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 4 Step 5 Step 6: GOAL

2. Writes a speech and reads it in front of mirror Coping step plan for having to do a talk to the class 1. Read a short story to mother / father 3. Presents speech to mother / father 4. Presents speech to the entire family 5. Presents speech to a friend 6. Presents speech to close group of friends 7. Presents speech in front of class Step

And finally…  Don’t forget the importance of strong family support  Friendships  Social skills  Sense of belonging in school

Useful resources  Martin Seligman The Optimistic Child 