Finding Your Voice: Assertiveness Skills Women’s Summit University of Montana November 13, 2008

Why learn to be more assertive? Helps you avoid: Depression (helpless, hopeless) Resentment Frustration Temper/violence Anxiety, which leads to avoidance Physical issues (headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure, etc.) Poor relationships

Why learn to be more assertive? “The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.” ~Anthony Robbins “Relationships slowly disintegrate, one failed or missing conversation at a time.” ~Susan Scott “…the meek do not inherit the Earth, they serve those who are self-confident and self-assertive.” ~Dean Koontz

Assertiveness Quiz 1. Do you buy things you do not want because you are afraid to say no to the salesperson? No. You know that you have a right to say no and to make choices.

Assertiveness Quiz 2. When you do not understand the meaning of a word, do you ask about it? Yes. You take responsibility for getting your needs met. Fear of seeming ignorant does not prevent you from asking questions.

Assertiveness Quiz 3. Do you feel responsible when things go wrong, even if it is not your fault? No. You take responsibility your own behavior, but not for things beyond your control. To feel responsible for things that are out of your control leads to unnecessary guilt.

Assertiveness Quiz 4. Do you look directly at others when you talk to them? Yes. You don’t over-do it, but eye contact is assertive and suggests sincerity, self- confidence and the expectation that others will listen.

Assertiveness Quiz 5. Do you often text or someone about a conflict instead of talking to them face to face? No. You can have a face to face conversation about an issue, even if it’s a bit uncomfortable.

Assertiveness Quiz 6. Do you feel intimidated by people in authority? No. You can be respectful without allowing status to intimidate you.

Assertiveness Quiz 7. Do you generally have good posture? Yes. Good posture communicates a positive self-image. (When posture is limited by a disability, good eye contact and facial expression can be used to express a positive self-image.)

Assertiveness Quiz 8. Do you often feel so angry you could scream? No. You can work to get your needs met and not let situations build to the point of crisis.

Assertiveness Quiz 9. Do you know how to ask for help without feeling dependent? Yes. You can ask for help without feeling dependent because you maintain a strong sense of self-worth and self-respect.

Assertiveness Quiz 10. If someone cuts in front of you in line, do you usually tell them off?  No. Telling someone off is an angry, aggressive response. You know you can speak up and say you are next and ask the person to move to the end of the line.

What keeps us from speaking up?

What is assertiveness? The middle ground between being a bully and a doormat

Assertiveness is… Being direct and appropriately expressive Standing up for yourself: stating your opinions, feelings and thoughts without blaming the other person Respectful: of others’ opinions, feelings and thoughts

Assertiveness is NOT… A guaranteed way to win every argument A guaranteed way to get what you want A way to get others to feel like you feel or think like you think Telling everybody everything all the time

Aggression is… Standing up for yourself but violating the rights of someone else. Attacking the person instead of the problem Likely to establish a pattern of fear and avoidance of the aggressor

Non-assertive/passive behavior is… Failing to stand up for yourself Avoiding the problem Likely to establish a pattern of others taking advantage of you

Getting Ready to be Assertive Thoughts and feelings are not right or wrong FACTS are correct or incorrect, but thoughts are just thoughts Feelings are not logical, so are not right or wrong

3 parts to assertive communication 1. empathy/validation: “I know you’re stressed by trying to be on time…” 2. statement of problem: “but when you follow me around I get flustered…” 3. request: “from now on can we agree what time we need to leave by and if you’re ready first, give me some space…?”

How to be effectively assertive… Use assertive body language Face the other person, stand or sit straight Pleasant, serious facial expression Voice calm and soft, not whiny

How to… “I statements” Take responsibility for your own feelings Removes right and wrong from the conversation Avoid “you make me feel…” statements Gives over control to others Blames others for what is going on inside you

“You” statements Often means you are volunteering to be a victim, or blaming someone else Blame often leads to arguing about who’s thoughts and feelings are right Your feelings are neither right nor wrong Other’s feelings are neither right nor wrong

Use facts, not judgments: “Did you know that your shirt has some spots on it?” not “You’re not going out like that, are you?”

Own your thoughts and feelings “I get angry when he breaks his promises.” not “He makes me so angry.”

Focus Focus on specific behavior, not generalities specific: “I was frustrated when you didn’t return my text” general: “You’re so irresponsible, it really makes me mad.”

Make clear requests “Would you be willing to…” “Will you please…” Don’t count on: “Why don’t you…” “Would you mind…”

Not Assertive: Generalizing: “You’re just being mean.” Presenting something as fact: “This is just the way it’s done” or “You’re wrong to feel that.” Attempting to coerce: “If you don’t do it my way…”

Making Requests What would you like to be different? “I was frustrated when you didn’t answer my text. I would really appreciate it if you would get back to me quicker.”

For difficult situations, try… Broken record: keep repeating your point in a low level, pleasant voice Fogging: deflect negative, manipulative criticism by agreeing with the fact, but retain the right to change your behavior Content to process shift: stop talking about the problem and bring up a problem behavior Defusing: let them cool down before discussing further Summarization: you check out if you are understanding the other person

Challenges and limits “I told someone how I felt and it didn’t do any good” Assertiveness is not a guarantee that someone will chose to change It may be challenging at first because it is breaking old rules

To get started… Start with small, less important issues Start with people you don’t know: sales clerks, phone solicitors, etc. THEN, practice with people you know and have relationships with

Remember… It’s a conversation, NOT a monologue AVOID attempting to be assertive by texting, ing, etc. These are NOT conversations, they are declarations. Often an attempt to get control while avoiding the tough conversation.

The good news… Once you get more used to being assertive, you will feel more effective in general Once you have some successes you will feel more confident Assertiveness can become a habit, so requires little thought after a while Once you are more assertive, you probably will not need to use the techniques that much When you respect yourself, others will too

Let’s practice a little… Think of a current situation in your life that has been bothering you…just a minor annoyance Write down how you would like to approach the person. Remember the 3 parts: 1. Empathy/validation 2. Statement of problem 3. Request

Your Rights: You have the right to: Express feelings in ways that do not violate the dignity of others Change your mind Make mistakes (and take responsibility) Express positive feelings toward others Be non-assertive in chosen situations Say “no” without guilt Be angry when mistreated Get what you pay for/not be cheated Make your own decisions and live your life as you choose