copyright ed young, PhD 76 PART II The Longitudinal Flow of Stages in a Long Term Relationship By Ed Young, Ph.D.

copyright ed young, PhD 77 Men and Women: from Friends to Legal Couples How do the relationships between men and women who are friends and men and women who are lovers, couples, mates, etc. differ? WHO GETS TO DECIDE? Who gets to decide who is boss? Who works at what kind of job and how much? Do we have kids and how do we raise kids? Who has to discipline and how? Do we go to church and social clubs and where? What do we do for entertainment outside the home? Inside the home? Whose friends do we have over or go to see? Who gets to go out alone? How do we divide our money and who gets to buy what and who pays for what? Who makes the budget? Who pays the bills? Who gets the car, etc? Who goes to combat when there are problems with outsiders? Whose point of view on politics, etc., has to officially be ours? Whose standard for how the house is kept rules? Whose manners prevail? Who handles which responsibilities and chores and how much does each do? What do we eat and what time do we eat, go to bed and get up, have sex, go out, clean house and yard? THE EXPLANATION FOR DIFFERENCES INVOLVES OBJECTIFYING, DISTANCING, AND DISCOUNTING THE CONFLICTING PARTY. GENERALIZING, THEY SAY “ALL MEN” AND “ALL WOMEN” ARE!! As the number of points on which the couple is dissimilar increases, either the number of disagreements or negotiations increase. At some phase, the number of preferences each has to either part company on or give up reaches a level that causes one or both partners to feel as though they are canceled out. They may decide to restructure as a laisez-faire relationship or to separate. OK! You do your thing and I’ll do mine and we can meet somewhere tomorrow to do our thing. We’re still friends because we don’t have to make many sacrifices or compromises and on the things we do share we hit it off real well. We do share or trade off on expenses sometime, but we never have to compete for resources or worry about who is doing the most of the shared responsibilities. We are not interdependent. The more dissimilar, the more conflict, the more need for negotiation, the more sacrifice, the more possibility of physical or psychological separation. It’s because she’s a woman! It’s because he’s a man! Line of progression of degree of interdependence

copyright ed young, PhD 78 The Gender Power Game and Dealing With Interdependence Gender ploys in the sex power game

copyright ed young, PhD 79 The Bedroom and Mutual Self Discovery Transitioning to Couple Status Sexual History and Its Effects on a Couple’s Relationship Childhood and adolescent sexual legacy and latent sexual desires Imagined sex acts begins very early, is mainly determined by lack of knowledge, discovery, stimulated curiosity, and is very unrealistic. Discovery results in excitement and physical pleasure which is reinforcing and curiosity to discover more becomes a prime motivator.

copyright ed young, PhD 80 SEXUAL CRITERIA FOR FULFILLMENT Who Else Is in the Bedroom With You? What would he think if he knew what I was fantasizing? What would she think if he knew what I was fantasizing?

copyright ed young, PhD 81 Sex: the Situation Where Power Distribution Can Change Sex and Marital Blackmail!

copyright ed young, PhD 82 The style of life to which I was accustomed: money and possessions?

copyright ed young, PhD 83 How do we allocate our time?

copyright ed young, PhD 84 Where do we go for fun?

copyright ed young, PhD 85 What are we going to belong to?

copyright ed young, PhD 86 Whose relatives do we visit?

copyright ed young, PhD 87 NATURALIZATION OR HOW TO SURVIVE WHEN THE DRAGONS ARE LET OUT OF THE CLOSET WHEN THE PUBLIC PERSONALITY WITH ITS ACCOMMODATION AND COSMETICS WEARS DOWN, THE PRIVATE PERSON, HIDDEN IN THE CLOSET FOR SIX MONTHS, BURSTS OUT WITH A VENGEANCE. IT IS THEN WE DISCOVER OUR OWN NATURAL STYLES AND ARE SHOCKED AT THE REVELATION OF WHO WE REALLY MARRIED.

copyright ed young, PhD 88 THE HONEYMOON PERIOD When they become an item, they are enthralled, devoted, desperate to please. They praise everything about each other. They agree on everything. But, especially, their sexual experience becomes paradise. Both the male and female have special hormones secreted during new romance that makes them exquisitely sensitive to sex, to touch, voice and everything about their lover. For the female, this hormone is oxytocin. Oddly, this state lasts for about six months, a long honeymoon period. For now, authenticity takes a back seat. Putting best foot forward. If this were not a romantic relationship, things would be noticed about the other that are disagreeable or even offensive. During the honeymoon period, these aspects are simply not seen, except on a very deeply unconscious level. This is the flip side of the person that they hid both from themselves and the other so as to keep the magic alive. With the sex being so great and all consuming, it is easy to not see or reveal anything the least bit contrary. Nevertheless, both experience an illusion of an exhilarating sense of spontaneity and unconditional love. Of course, some lovers fight in the beginning, but for them, this is highly exciting - to each his own! Nevertheless, these incongruities are stored in that deep cellar of the mind. The suppressed tendencies will eventually begin to surface, but recognition of these tendencies in the other will still be denied later on.

copyright ed young, PhD 89 THE NATURALIZATION PHASE: TESTING THE WATERS WITH AUTHENTICITY Now the oxytocin is wearing off, the suppressed tendencies are pushing for release and defenses are wearing thin. They are used to each other. They have begun to relax. Now they begin to notice that the other has changed or is changing but the reason is unknown. A new kind of negative reciprocity arises. Now each says, ‘Well, if he/she can do that or be that way, then I will too’. All the while that there is a longing to be oneself natural self again, there is beginning to be a resentment over this new side of the other they are seeing. Doubts about the sincerity of the other’s love, their fidelity, their reliability, all of the feelings they had cherished and things they had taken for granted are slipping away and being replaced with distrust and insecurity because of the other and resentment over being prevented from being themselves. Desperation for the other and resentment toward the other is quite a combination, very confusing and uncomfortable. Given a little time and one or the other will begin to say they need space or feel suffocated. NATURALIZATION PHASE I’m tired of putting my best foot forward. I think I’ll try putting my most natural foot forward. I’m tired of putting my best foot forward. I think I’ll try putting my most natural foot forward.

copyright ed young, PhD 90 ORIGINS AND RESOLUTION OF GENDER INEQUALITY AND CONFLICT Coping With Cultural Gender Role Stereotypes t

copyright ed young, PhD 91 You are my hero and protector. We depend on you. How can I show my gratitude and please you? I am the King! I am the MAN! Everyone listens to me. I don’t have to listen to anyone, especially you!!! Structure of Gender Relations Is Mainly a Function of Gender Body Types

copyright ed young, PhD 92 What? You can’t dominate me like that! You are an inconsiderate beast. I will not! And leave me alone! I am the MAN!!! Do what I say, and do it now! Or else! Natural Reaction to Inequality and Domination Is to Feel Resentment and Rebel

copyright ed young, PhD 93 I’m sorry! I just get so angry with you because I love you so much. Forgive me. I don’t want to hurt you. But you know you should listen to me because its only for your own good. Remember, I am your man and I am here to protect you. That’s my role. Stop scaring me. You are treating me like I was a child. You’re making me cry. I wish you were dead. Get out! Consequences of Unequal Body Structure Leads to Unequal Structure of Gender Roles Which Leads to and Interaction Pattern of Dominance-Submission::coercion-resentment::anger-fear::remorse- longsuffering.

copyright ed young, PhD 94 Taking the role of the opposite gender in order to see and understand how and why they are the way they are in relation to your own gender role. What’s it like being male and being you? What’s it like being female and being you? What’s it like being male in relation to me as female? What’s it like being female in relation to me as male? UNDERSTANDING GENDER BEHAVIOR THROUGH UNDERSTANDING THE STRUCTURE OF GENDER ROLES IN RELATION TO EACH OTHER.

copyright ed young, PhD 95 OVERCOMING GENDER INEQUALITY AND CONFLICT The First Step to Overcoming Gender Inequality and Gender Conflict Is to Learn to Listen Truly, Deeply, Non Judgmentally and Without Interrupting or Preempting Each Other’s Statements. The Second Step Is to Learn to Communicate, Diplomatically, How You Truly See Things and What You Truly Feel. –Learning the Rhythms of Centering and Decentering Is Crucial to This First Step. –This Approach Leads to a Thorough Dialog Which Eventually Yields Mutual Understanding. The third step is to understand the different paths evolutionary biology took in forming the genders. –Understanding the conflicts that have arisen in the last century between a highly developed, equalizing, technological culture and the culture of the distant past which was better adapted to the evolutionary specialization of genders. –Solving the puzzle of how each gender must alter their personality and behavior to adapt to the equalizing technological modern culture. –Bring gender relations into harmony with the modern culture. The lesson is: leave antiquated styles of relating behind and integrate with the new era or become enemies and be miserable.

copyright ed young, PhD 96 CRISIS EVENTS AND THEIR EFFECTS ON RELATIONSHIPS Marriage Having a Baby Death or Loss of Someone Very Close Change in Job New Member of Household (temporary or indefinite) Change of Life Outstanding Awards or Unusual Achievements Public Humiliation or Failure Trauma or accidents with serious damage to body or property or other sudden serious loss

copyright ed young, PhD 97 Co-DEPENDENCY, DEPRESSION, RAGE, AND DIVORCE By ED YOUNG, Ph.D.

copyright ed young, PhD 98 Co-Dependency

copyright ed young, PhD 99 Co-Dependency

copyright ed young, PhD 100 Co-Dependency

copyright ed young, PhD 101 Co-Dependency

copyright ed young, PhD 102 Co-Dependency

copyright ed young, PhD 103 Co-Dependency

copyright ed young, PhD 104 WHEN CARING GOES AWRY: FROM CO- DEPENDENCY TO RAGE We looked at the flip side of Co- Dependency first. Here, now, is Co- Dependency, the other side, the seemingly good side, the caring, longsuffering, heroic side. With mutual self destruction, it often appears, but this is only an appearance, that men get more involved in dangerous, outlandish, displays of affection. It is a matter of style. Likewise, it appears that women are more prone to Co- Dependency. Again it is a matter of style. Both are equally prone to both tendencies but in their own fashion. Now we shall examine more closely the dynamics and consequences of Co-Dependencyendency. In its own way, though seemingly the height of goodness, is just as destructive to both parties and to the relationship. Couples are often deeply puzzled by this paradoxical outcome. While the damage is just as severe, the dynamics of the drama are quite different. Deeply held belief systems make these tendencies hard to give up.

copyright ed young, PhD 105 A PERVERSION OF TRUE LOVE: THE TEST IS MUTUAL SELF DESTRUCTION For some people, this honeymoon period includes an anomaly, an off tune version of Co- Dependency, which is negative reciprocity. For many this is the zenith of romance. Carried to the extreme, the lovers vow that they would die for each other. In a more mundane fashion, this test of true love expresses itself as: ‘If you love me, you won’t go to work or class, or you will forget about your studies, or will buy even though you can’t afford it, will do it even though it is a great risk with no gain other than proof of love. Not realizing that taking this path does in fact destroy them and their lover, that this pact does lead to mutual self destruction and ultimately, inevitably, puts a grizzly end to their idyllic romance they were seeking to immortalize.

copyright ed young, PhD 106 STRUGGLING WITH THE DISILLUSIONMENT The true test of a relationship’s durability with mutual fulfillment comes when each party begins to naturalize the relationship and become truly authentic. When there is disillusionment after the naturalization stage, the couple has two choices: decide together to try to understand and change where needed their unrealistic or incompatible criteria for fulfillment, their unconscious style of relating, their unconscious scenarios they continue to re enact. In other words, they agree to make a serious attempt to broadly restructure the relationship. This decision and goal will require an enormous investment of time and emotional energy and will involve brutal honesty with oneself and the endurance of considerable humiliation and pain. Some people can not call up the necessary strength and courage or can not accept the cost. Initially either may consent while in their heart, again unspoken, they have already moved on and just want to manage their image. Sometimes too much damage has been done or the disillusionment was too great. STRUGGLING WITH DISILLUSIONMENT

copyright ed young, PhD 107 PART III The Longitudinal Flow of Stages in a Long Term Relationship By Ed Young, Ph.D.

copyright ed young, PhD 108 THE DYNAMIC INTER-CHANGEABILITY OF RAGE AND DEPRESSION SUPPRESSED RAGE TURNED AGAINST SELF OR ROUTED INTO PARANOID AND REVENGE FANTASIES by ED YOUNG, Ph.D.

copyright ed young, PhD 109 RAGE DEPRESSION RAGE AND DEPRESSION ARE HELD IN A VOLATILE, IMPOTENT, PRESSURE-FILLED BALANCE ABOUT TO EXPLODE, A FEELING OF BEING ABOUT TO EITHER BURST OR DIE. AS VALENCES IN THE ENVIRONMENT CHANGE, ONE OR THE OTHER - RAGE OR DEPRESSION - GETS THE UPPER HAND. Feeling that the source can not be attacked because the source is someone whose approval, love, regard, and support is desperately needed, the rage is suppressed. The suppressed rage does not go away, but rather leaves the person with the hurt and in addition with frustration and humiliation over being powerless to express the rage. As a result, the person turns against their own self and begins to feel the hurt was justified. At its lowest point, feeling, hurt, unloved, powerless, humiliated and disgusted with the self, depression becomes a wish that one were not alive. Depression is covering rage which is covering hurt. At the point of deepest depression is an immobilized, smoldering rage oscillating between first being turned against the other and then the self. DEPRESSION AND RAGE MASK A DEEP, PAINFUL HURT. The rage wants to get back at the source of the hurt.

copyright ed young, PhD 110 CONDITIONS THAT PROVOKE RAGE IN A DEPRESSED PERSON MODERATE ELICITS SUPPRESSED SIMMERING RAGE AND DEPRESSION DEPRESSION SHOVED TO REAR TEMPORARILY EXTREMELY HIGH ELICITS RAGE EXTREMELY LOW ELICITS RAGE RAGE DIRECTEDTOWARD OTHER When the environment is very safe, the pressure of rage breaks through. When the threat is visible and intense, the balance is disrupted and rage erupts. LEVEL OF PERCEIVED THREAT

copyright ed young, PhD 111 FEAR OF REJECTION AND ATTACK SUPPRESSES RAGE. WHERE DOES SUPPRESSED RAGE GO? INTO FANTASIES OF BEING NON VIOLENTLY ATTACKED, TALKED ABOUT BEHIND ONE’S BACK, BEING POISONED, ONE’S PLANS BEING SABOTAGED, ETC. FOLLOWED BY FANTASIES OF RETALIATION. RAGE TOWARD SELF AND PARANOID FANTASIES ARE INTERCHANGEABLE BY WAY OF THE INTROJECTED NEGATIVE IMPLICIT OTHER. DEPRESSION RAGE SUPPRESSED AND DIRECTED TOWARD SELF WHEN DEPRESSION GETS THE UPPER HAND

copyright ed young, PhD 112 DEPRESSION RAGE SUPPRESSED AND DIRECTED TOWARD SELF AS DEPRESSION IS LIFTED, THE PERSON BECOMES AWARE OF THEIR BODY AND ITS ACHES AND PAINS. PSYCHOSOMATIC SYMPTOMS DEVELOP, SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND SELF MEDICATION INCREASES. SYMPTOMS OCCURRING DURING THE TRANSITION OUT OF DEPRESSION MOVING UP FROM DEPRESSION-- THE TRANSITION

copyright ed young, PhD 113 DEPRESSION RAGE SUPPRESSED & DIRECTED TOWARED SELF Cold Negative Implicit Other RAGE DIRECTEDTOWARD OTHER Abusive Negative Implicit Other 1.First step in treatment of depression, rage, paranoia, and psychosomatic symptoms is: 1.to connect to one’s feeling toward one’s self and 2.the projection of that same feeling onto the world 3.And redirect it toward the origin or source of these feelings and projections back onto significant others in one’s life history. 2.Second step is identification and objectively accepting these origins and sources as the negative implicit others and understanding their invisible, pervasive influence on one’s psyche. 3.Third step is to re orient one’s own negative feelings toward self, others, and world toward their origin and source. 4.Fourth step is to symbolically express these negative feelings, in their full intensity, toward the origin and source. This is called catharsis or abreaction. 5.Fifth step is to communicate to the origin and source, in a rational, matter of fact, manner, one’s understanding of the negative effect that the origin and source had had upon the development of one’s personality and the connection to one’s current feelings and behavior. 6.Sixth step is identify situations, occasions, and inner processes that invoke those negative feelings and to consciously discriminate their effects and consciously decide that that is not the way one wants to see the situation and feel and act in the situation. 7.The final step is to replace the old perceptions, feelings, behaviors, and beliefs with a new set that is more in tune with the way one truly wants to be. TREATMENT FOR DEPRESSION AND RAGE

copyright ed young, PhD 114 I feel cleansed and free and my mind feels clear, serene and creative. It was worth all I had to go through to get here. RESULT of CATHARSIS and EXILING NEGATIVE IMPLICIT OTHERS