Helping Children Cope With Loss Gerald P. Koocher, Ph.D., ABPP

 Understanding Basic Tasks  Accepting the reality of the loss  Grieving: experiencing the pain and emotion associated with the loss  Adjusting to the new reality  Commemoration: relocating representation of the deceased in one’s own life

Basic Strategies  Find out what the child already knows.  Anticipate the child’s fears.  Correct misconceptions.  Give clear information.  Invite questions and participation.

Commonly Unasked Questions u Did I make that happen? –Is it my fault? u Is that going to happen to me? u Is it going to happen to someone else I care about? u Who will take care of me?

Pre-Operational Children u External locus of causality –Little sense of personal agency u Proximal causality –Temporal or physical contiguity = cause u Magical thinking –Wishes and fears can make things happen

Pre-Operational Children Imminent justice Bad things happen as the result of bad behavior or bad thoughts Limited perspective-taking skills Inability to take on another’s viewpoint

Concrete-Logical Children (ages 7-11)  Increased causal sophistication Awareness of internal or distal causation  Concrete reasoning Germs and personification of illness  Early grasp of physical laws  Focus on physical states, not processes  Difficulty with future perspective Inability to use prevention concepts effectively

Intervention Strategies for Younger Children u Give clear information. u Point out differences between the deceased and the child. u Avoid figures of speech. u Don’t make analogies to sleep. u Draw on the child’s own language and experiences. u Ask the child to re-explain.

Intervention Strategies Give concrete explanations consistent with family values and practices Debunk magical thinking Assess and address attributions Provide reassurance about significant others, if relevant Incorporate in family rituals and mourning Offer control opportunities

 What Mediates the Mourning Process?  The loss event  Pre-existing relationships  Rituals  Functioning of survivors  Family and community influences (social support systems)  Individual characteristics

 What Can I Say or Do?  Avoid clichés and adult metaphors  Use your own empathy  Offer social support  Let mourners dictate what will help

 Adolescents’ Interest in Bereavement  “What’s Normal?”  How do other people cope?  How should I react?  Will I make a fool of myself?

 Projects for Older Children  Historical observations  Examples from literature  Interviewing across age levels  Role playing  Self-exploration; my obituary, memorial  Hypothetical thinking; what complicates grief mourning; why?  Explore cultural variations or sex differences