Healing Pornography Conflicts 2 Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. Richard P. Fitzgibbons, M.D. Comprehensive Counseling Services West Conshohocken, PA

2 Part 2 Objectives – to understand the following: Difference between a pornography problem and a pornography addiction Seven point plan for recovery Pornography and Homosexuality Obstacles to healing Responsible parenting The role of priests

3 Porn Problem vs. Addiction Pornography Problem Viewing pornography at least once a month Usually view the same porn Often not premeditated Little or no craving for pornography Little or no marked increase in porn use

4 Porn Problem vs. Addiction Self-test for a Pornography Problem 1. Do I view pornography at least once a month? 2. When using the internet, do I sometimes end up looking at porn? 3. When porn is readily available, am I more tempted to view it? 4. Do I usually view the same porn? 5. When there is little or no access to porn, do I find myself not thinking about it at all?

5 Porn Problem vs. Addiction Pornography Addiction Viewing pornography daily or binging Craving porn – needing it to deal with stress, anger, anxiety, etc. Intensity of porn has increased - Soft Core → Hard Core, Fetish, Bondage, Violence, Child Porn, etc. Tempted to act out the scenes viewed in porn Becoming difficult to find anyone sexually attractive other than the women in pornography

6 Porn Problem vs. Addiction Self-test for Pornography Addiction 1. Do I look at porn at least once a week? 2. Do I regularly look forward to logging onto pornographic websites? 3. Has the type of porn I view increased in severity over time? Soft Core → Hard Core, Fetish, Bondage, Violence, Child Porn? 4. Do I look for sexy images in newspapers, magazines, catalogs, billboards, etc.?

7 Porn Problem vs. Addiction Self-test for Pornography Addiction, continued 5. Do I seek out sexually arousing programs on television? 6. Do I look forward to going away on business trips? 7. Are there behaviors I cannot share with my wife?

8 Porn Problem vs. Addiction Self-test for Pornography Addiction – Continued 8. Is getting rid of my internet account something I could never bring myself to do? 9. Do I find my wife less sexually satisfying? 10. Do I have difficulty performing sexually with my wife? If you answered yes to at least five of these questions, you may be addicted to pornography

9 Seven Point Plan for Recovery Virtue Education/ Protecting the Family Purifying the Home Spiritual Plan Support and Accountability Counseling Self-Knowledge

10 Self-Knowledge Admitting that you have a pornography problem/addiction Realizing that pornography use is a symptom of much deeper emotional conflicts Willing to do whatever it takes to recover Accept that recovery may be a life-long process Committing yourself to the process – don’t give up!

11 Purifying the Home Remove all pornography or sexually suggestive materials from the home Monitor all media that enters the home Place the computer in a public area of the home Subscribe to an Internet Accountability Service CovenantEyes.com Spouses must have full access to all computers in the home

12 Purifying the Home Monitor all electronic devices Cell Phones Blackberries I-Pods, MP3 Players Portable Televisions Etc.

13 Purifying the Home Monitor all Social Media Text Messages Facebook MySpace Twitter etc/. When traveling, choose hotels that do not offer adult cable channels

14 Support and Accountability Supportive male friendships with others with similar problems Helps men achieve and maintain chastity Decreases loneliness Increases confidence Help in growth in virtue Focus on others rather than oneself

15 Support and Accountability Popular Men’s Groups for Men with a Pornography Problem Parish men’s Bible Studies and Faith Sharing Groups That Man is You parish men’s groups The King’s Men Fellowship St. Joseph’s Covenant Keepers Knights of Columbus

16 Support and Accountability 12-Step Groups for Men with Pornography Addiction Stronger level of support and accountability Attend several times a week to start Uses a sponsor Work through the 12 steps of A.A. which have been modified for sexual addiction Can be used along with other men’s groups

17 Support and Accountability Common 12-step Support Groups Sexahalics Anonymous (SA) Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) Courage Many men struggle with dual addictions, so other 12 steps group are also used Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) Narcotics Anonymous (NA)

18 Counseling Sometimes needed for a pornography problem Almost always needed for pornography addiction Used to identify the emotional, personality and spiritual conflicts leading to porn use Root Causes Selfishness Loneliness

19 Counseling Root Causes, continued Anger Weak Confidence Mistrust of Women Excessive responsibilities – real of perceived Poor Body Image Permissive Parenting

20 Counseling Root Causes - continued Negative Parental Role Model Weak Spiritual Life Once the root causes are identified, a treatment plan is developed to heal the emotional wounds

21 Spiritual Plan Essential for recovery from compulsive/ addictive behaviors Common in 12-step support groups A strong friendship with the Lord in needed Commitment not to offend the Lord Sacraments are needed for grace, healing and strength Helps in growth in virtue

22 Spiritual Plan Recommendations Eucharist at least once a week Weekly confession Daily prayer and spiritual reading Daily Scripture study – lectio divina Monthly spiritual direction

23 Spiritual Plan Recommendations – continued Annual retreats Being active in one’s parish A strong relationship with the Our Lady as a loving, affectionate spiritual mother A strong relationship with St. Joseph as an affectionate and protective father

24 Education/Protecting the Family Become knowledgeable of the dangers of pornography and compulsive masturbation Become aware of the resources available to fight pornography Protect the emotional lives and character development of family members

25 Education/Protecting the Family Teach children/teens about the dangers of pornography Teach children/teens about healthy sexuality, respect, virtues, etc. Be willing to share with others about the dangers of pornography

26 Virtues Based on Positive Psychology and the Writings of John Paul II Permeate and strengthen all other points of recovery Those who strive to live virtuous lives tend to be happier and healthier Growing in certain virtues can help: Grow in self-knowledge about one’s strengths and weaknesses

27 Virtues Growth in certain virtues can help: Give greater incentive to purify the home Focus on others for support and accountability Resolve many of the emotional conflicts that have led to porn use Develop a stronger spiritual life Help protect the family from the dangers of porn and strengthen healthy character development

28 Virtues Virtues for Selfishness Generosity: self-giving to spouse and children Love: for spouse and children greater than self Responsibility: faithful to vows Purity: to appreciate true beauty Self-denial/mortification Temperance Gratitude

29 Virtues Virtues for Selfishness – cont. Humility Detachment Faith Deference Read the Selfish Spouse Chapter at

30 Virtues Virtues for Loneliness Commit to work on healing family and peer wounds Commit to work on strengthening marital friendship and love Commit to work on strengthening peer friendships Generosity: cheerful self-giving to God and others

31 Virtues Virtues for Loneliness, cont. Hope Detachment from excessive responsibilities Humility to let go of the need to control Faith: I have never been alone Meditate as the Lord as best friend and brother, Mary as loving, mother and Joseph as protective father in each life stage

32 Virtues Virtues for Anger Respect Compassion Kindness Humility Forgiveness Read the Angry Spouse chapter at

33 Virtues Virtues for Confidence Gratitude: for one’s God-given gifts and talents Friendship with peers “A brother strengthened by a brother is like a fortified city.” Prov. 1:19 Thankfulness: especially for one’s body Forgiveness: for those who did not affirm you or damaged your confidence Helpfulness: Daily reach out to help others in need

34 Virtues Virtues for Mistrust Commitment: to trust again See the goodness in others Forgiveness: for those who betrayed/damaged trust Generosity: Cheerfully giving to others Work on strengthening healthy friendships Daily meditate: Lord, you are the one who keeps me safe

35 Pornography and Homosexuality A search for masculinity outside of oneself Used to compensate for deep emotional wounds Father wound: Searching for the affirmation one did not receive from his father. Peer wound: Searching for the acceptance one did not receive from male peers Poor body image Weak male confidence Mistrust of females

36 Pornography and Homosexuality Special focus on the following virtues: Gratitude: for ones God-given gifts and talents Friendships: healthy non-sexual friendships with other men Thankfulness: for one’s body Forgiveness: for father and/or peers who did not offer love, affirmation and acceptance as a child or teen Generosity: to combat narcissism

37 Pornography and Homosexuality Special focus on the following virtues, cont.: Humility Faith Daily meditate on the holy family Mary as a loving, nurturing mother Joseph as an affirming, protective father Jesus as best friend and brother who has never rejected you.

38 Obstacles to Recovery Denial that one has a problem Selfishness: feeling entitled to view porn Anger: punishing others Loneliness: few close peer friendships Friends who regularly view porn Permissive parents who fail to monitor or correct

39 Obstacles to Recovery Poor spiritual life Lack of faithfulness to vows Lack of support and accountability Failure to identify and resolve root causes Negative parental modeling Excessive responsibilities Lack of virtue in one’s life

40 Three Parenting Styles Permissive Seek to have children as friends Fear of correction Depend excessively on children Often embraces the contraceptive mentality Controlling Lack of respect for children Lack of affection and nurturance Do as I say and not as I do

41 Three Parenting Styles Responsible Seek to protect children from the harmful effects of selfishness Focus on character development Lead by healthy example Not afraid to correct in love

42 Permissive Parenting Fail to protect children Unable to correct selfishness due to their own selfishness Fosters excessive anger in children Does not present a healthy view of human sexuality Fosters the contraceptive mentality and the sexual utilitarian philosophy Enables the use of porn by failure to recognize its harmful effects Often weak in faith and spiritual leadership

43 Responsible Parenting Models cheerful self-giving Presents the beauty of sexuality within the sacrament of marriage Sees the other for their intrinsic beauty Unafraid to correct children’s selfishness Focuses on virtues and character development Warns teens about the damage caused by pornography and compulsive masturbation Criticizes the contraceptive mentality in the culture and the sexual utilitarian philosophy

44 The Role of Priests Be committed to the Church’s teaching on human sexuality Don’t be afraid to teach and preach about it They (the Catholic faithful) must know that bishops and priests are totally committed to the fullness of the Catholic truth on sexual morality, a truth as essential to the renewal of the priesthood and the episcopate as it is to the renewal of marriage and family life. John Paul II: April 2002

45 The Role of Priests Bishop Robert Finn wrote, paraphrasing John Paul II, that "the problem with pornography is not that it reveals too much of the person (exposed in the image), but that it reveals too little of the person. The person in the image is reduced to their sexual organs and sexual faculties and is thereby de- personalized," Blessed Are The Pure In Heart: A Pastoral Letter on the Dignity of the Human Person and the Dangers of Pornography, February 21, 2007

46 The Role of Priests "This plague stalks the souls of men, women and children, ravages the bonds of marriage and victimizes the most innocent among us. It obscures and destroys people’s ability to see one another as unique and beautiful expressions of God’s creation, instead darkening their vision, causing them to view others as objects to be used and manipulated. Those who engage in such activity deprive themselves of sanctifying grace and destroy the life of Christ in their souls.” Bishop Loverde’s Letter, 2006

47 The Role of Priests Communicate the beauty and sacredness of sexuality in the sacrament of marriage Warn of the dangers of pornography and compulsive masturbation Criticize the sexual utilitarian philosophy Criticize permissive parenting and the contraceptive mentality Strengthen Catholic fatherhood Teach that true manliness is measured by one’s character

48 The Role of Priests Consider parish support groups for those men & teens who struggle with pornography A great source of support, accountability, and community for men in the parish The King’s Men That Man is You St. Joseph Covenant Keepers Knights of Columbus

49 The Role of Priests Suggestions for what to tell penitents who confess struggling with pornography: Thank God for your strength in coming forward and admitting you have a problem. This is the first step in your journey to recovery. You’re not alone. Thousands of men struggle with compulsive pornography use. Do you want to be free from this sin? Are you willing to pay the price?

50 The Role of Priests Suggestions for what to tell penitents who confess struggling with pornography, cont.: Healing and freedom from sin is possible, but know that you can’t do it alone. It requires God’s grace, professional help, and support from other men who understand your struggle.

51 The Role of Priests Suggestions for what to tell penitents who confess struggling with pornography, cont.: Here is a card that will direct you to helpful resources. If you’re serious about overcoming pornography use, I urge you to explore them. Know that God, the Father of Mercy and Love, will provide the grace to overcome this sin. Developed with the Archdiocese of New York Priest Personnel and Family Life Offices

52 The Role of Priests A true appreciation for love and beauty can contribute to healing the pornography epidemic Beauty is a key to the mystery and a call to transcendence. It is an invitation to savour life and to dream of the future. That is why the beauty of created things can never fully satisfy. It stirs that hidden nostalgia for God which a lover of beauty like Saint Augustine could express in incomparable terms: ‘Late have I loved you, beauty so old and so new: late have I loved you!’”. John Paul II, Letter to Artists, n. 16 (1999)

53 The Role of Priests “When beauty is recovered as purity and goodness, the person rejects pornography because there is no longer an attraction to it. The force of true beauty is great and can, even if slowly and imperfectly, replace the corrupt understanding of beauty. This requires openness to the saving power of God to transform the heart. The realization of a true understanding of beauty restores the sight of man to overcome his concupiscence, to overcome his use of the other as a mere body. John Paul II knew this well when he quoted Dostoyevsky, ‘beauty will save the world.’” Letter to Artists, no. 16. Patrick Williams paper on porn, John Paul II Institute

54 Contact Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. Assistant Director Comprehensive Counseling Services 100 Four Falls Corporate Center Suite 312 West Conshohocken, PA