Valentine’s Day Workshop Karen Vineyard Church February 14, 2015

Men & Women: Separating Fact from Fiction

God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1.27

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. James 4.1-2

“Marriage is when you agree to spend the rest of your life sleeping in a room that is too hot, beside someone who's sleeping in a room that is too cold.” Woman typically operate at lower rate of metabolism than men. Different Physiology

It is a biological fact that men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than their wives. Men’s blood pressure and heart rate become elevated quicker and stays higher longer. These changes accompanied by the secretion of adrenaline signal emotional distress. This combination of emotional and physical stress leads to the inability to process information. Marital confrontation takes a greater physical toll on the male.

Non-verbal World According to a research conducted recently about ability of social reading, both men and women can interpret emotional body language with almost the same speed, but slightly different accuracy.

Women can detect overall emotional theme or bottom-line of situation under interpretation - they are more subjective. Men show less sensitivity towards other’s emotions or theme of an overall situation - they are more objectively focused. Men can interpret each and every detail but largely in isolation. Women connect the dots better.

1. Arguing = trouble. 2. Distance = trouble. 3. Opposites attract. 4. Flattery will get you nowhere. 5. You have to agree on the BIG issues (like children, sex and money). 6. People divorce because they “grow apart”. 7. Couples divorce because they get older and change physically. 8. The more sex the better. 9. A fat woman will lose her man. 10. Men and women have to be equal in a good marriage. Fictions

Fiction 1: Better communication will save your marriage. Active listening asks couples to perform Olympic-level emotional gymnastics when their relationship can barely walk. Five Fictions

Fiction 2: Avoiding conflict will kill your marriage. Couples just have different conflict styles. Some avoid fights like the plague. Others fight often. And still others are able to talk issues through calmly and reach a compromise. Surprisingly, neither style is superior. The key is that partners aren’t a mismatch in their argument style. Five Fictions

Fiction 3: Reciprocity underlies happy marriages. Happy partners have an implied agreement to compensate each other for their good deeds. Happy couples, however, just do nice things because they want to. They feel good about their partner and their relationship. If you’re keeping score over an issue, it’s probably a source of tension in your relationship. Five Fictions

Fiction 4: High expectations may ruin marriage. While it is necessary to be realistic in our expectations, high expectations can lead to more investment in marriage and to a better outcome. People with low expectations apparently don’t invest as much in a good marriage and are willing to settle for an average marriage instead of a really good one Five Fictions

Fiction 5: Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. This saying suggests that men and women have deep differences and want fundamentally different things from marriage. That gender difference may contribute to marital problems, but they don’t cause them. Couples who form solid relationships are attuned to the specific personalities of their partners and look at solid friendship as the foundation for a good relationship. Five Fictions

“ As soon as you’re satisfied with God alone, he’ll bring someone special into your life” – as though God’s blessings are ever earned by our contentment.” “You’re too picky” – as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work. Fictions of Marriage Seeking

“As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work” – as though God requires emotional martyrs to do his work, of which marriage must not be part. “Before you can marry someone wonderful, the Lord has to make you someone wonderful” – as though God grants marriage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified.

“You aren’t a whole person until you are married.” “You shouldn’t marry until you have professionally made it big and you find the perfect partner who won’t try to change you in any way.”

Recognize that there are seasons for not seeking marriage. Don’t let the world’s culture define marriage for you. Don’t become a faux spouse for someone who won’t commit to you. Submit to a trusted Godly person from whom you can get feedback. Counsel for Marriage Seekers

pre-marital counseling vs. pre-engagement counseling