Healthy Relationships Domestic Violence Services of Snohomish County

Why are we talking with you today? Identify the importance of healthy relationships in teens’ lives; whether those relationships are with friends, boyfriends, or girlfriends. Recognize the eight characteristics of healthy relationships. Demonstrate the ability to compare and contrast healthy behaviors with unhealthy behaviors in relationships. Demonstrate effective communication in healthy relationships. Empower you to make good decisions since you may be spending more time with your peers than the adults in your life.

Relationship Questions??? What is a relationship? Connection between persons by blood or marriage Emotional connection with someone Connection or involvement by association – club at school, school band, sports at school, church, after school activities

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships Respect – Being accepted and allowed to be who you are. No one should pressure you into doing things you are not comfortable with such as drinking, drugs, or unwanted physical contact. Safety/Trust – Feeling safe both emotionally and physically. Emotional safety means you feel comfortable being you without fear of being put down. Physical safety means you are not being hurt or pressured into unwanted physical contact. Support – Caring for you and want what is best for you. Your friends should understand if you can’t hang out because you have to study or spend time with family. Individuality – Feeling like you can be yourself; after all, being an individual is what makes you, you!

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships Fairness and Equality – Having an equal say in your relationships. From the activities you do together to the friends you hang out with, you should have equal say in the choices made in your relationships. Acceptance –Friends or girlfriend/boyfriend accepting you for whom you really are. You shouldn’t have to change who you are or compromise your beliefs to make someone like you. Honesty and Trust – Honesty builds trust. You can’t have a healthy relationship without trust! If you have ever caught your friend or boyfriend or girlfriend in a huge lie, you know that it takes time to rebuild your trust. Communication – Talking face-to-face (not just by text) about your feelings. Listen to one another and hear each other out. Text messages, Facebook or MySpace messages should be respectful; not mean, hurtful, or inappropriate.

What is your role in a healthy relationship? Speak Up (should feel safe to be yourself) Respect Compromise- what does this mean? Be Supportive (listen, don’t gossip, get help when needed) Respect Each Other’s Privacy, boundaries…

Creating Healthy Boundaries in Relationships Boundaries are like relationship guidelines Creating boundaries is a good way to keep your relationship healthy and secure.

Unhealthy Boundaries Boundaries are not meant to… Make you feel trapped or like you’re “walking on eggshells.” Creating boundaries is not a sign of secrecy or distrust -- it’s be an expression of what makes you feel comfortable and what you would like or not like to happen within the relationship. Healthy boundaries shouldn’t restrict your ability to: Go out with your friends Participate in activities and hobbies you like. Not have to share passwords to your email, social media accounts or phone.

The Relationship Spectrum Healthy UnhealthyAbusive

Unhealthy Relationships Poor communication; ends in yelling, not talking, won’t listen, etc. You have the feeling you are not being listened to. Pressure to do things that make you feel uncomfortable or are not in your best interest. Dishonesty Feel like the person is trying to control you. Inconsiderate behavior. Keeping secrets that are harmful to yourself and others

Characteristics of Abusive Relationships Accusations Blame Shifting Isolation Pressure Manipulation Making Threats Minimizing your feelings

Power and Control Unhealthy because of no mutual respect, trust or communication. It is not the same as your parent or guardian who have your best interest in mind. Unhealthy relationships are based on using others for their own selfish motives.

POWER AND CONTROL Anger/ Emotional Abuse: Intimidation: Putting down. Making him/her feel bad about themselves. Name calling. Making him/her think they’re crazy Humiliating one another. Making him/her feel guilty. Intimidation: Making someone afraid by using looks, actions, gestures. Smashing things. Showing weapons. Minimize/Deny/Blame: Making light of the abuse and not taking concerns seriously. Saying the abuse didn’t happen. Shifting responsibility. Saying he/she caused it. Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt another. Threatening to leave, to harm oneself. Making him/her do illegal things Isolation/ Exclusion: Controlling what another does, who they see and talk to, what she reads, where she goes. Using jealously to justify actions. Peer Pressure: Threatening to expose someone's weakness or spread rumors. Telling lies about an individual to a group.

What are warning signs of unhealthy relationships? Checking your cell phone, e-mail, or other private messages without your permission Constantly putting you down Extreme jealously Explosive temper Isolating you from family or friends Making false accusations Mood Swings Physically hurting you in any way Possessiveness Telling you what to do Important to talk about: abusive relationships are not formed overnight – they often start with small warning signs and escalate

Review of Healthy Relationships Respect Good Communication Trust Honesty Equality

Internet Relationships

Internet “Relationships” How has the Internet changed how we form relationships? It’s easier share too much too fast give too much information, easier to be mean, false sense of security. Rights and protections on-line (privacy settings, right not to respond/delete/block people.)

Scenario: Who is Payton? You get a request from a friend of a friend named Payton. You accept them and start talking with them everyday. Payton is very funny, cute, and very interested in you. Payton likes sports, the same music you do. You seem to have a lot in common. Payton sends a photo and looks like a very nice person around your age. Payton wants you to send a photo of yourself and wants to meet you after school sometime. What do you do? How do you decide if this person is trustworthy?

Who Payton really is… Payton does not know your friend but found you through their Facebook account which was not marked private. Payton is a 44 year old adult that has been in prison for identify theft, physical assault, and multiple other crimes. The photo they sent was copied from another Facebook page. Payton has contacted several other students at school. Don’t share photos or any personal information on- line. Don’t believe everything you see on-line. Anybody can be anybody on-line.

Sexting – Think before you hit “send” What is Sexting? Sexting is when sexually explicit messages (including photos or videos) are sent via cell phones, the internet, or instant messaging services. Did you know… 20% of teens ages 13-19 have shared nude or semi- nude pictures of themselves via text message or on-line posts. Teen girls are slightly more likely to sext than boys. 11% of the teen girls reported having sent seductive pictures of themselves.

Why is Sexting a Problem? Photos or videos sent online, with the intent of being private, can easily be shared with others. Once digital images are out there, they leave a digital footprint, especially online. You can’t “take it back”. Sexting is currently illegal under federal and Washington State law. It falls under the creation, distribution, and possession of child porn and is a felony offense.

Steps to Preventing Sexting Think about the consequences: If you take, send, or forward a sexual picture of someone underage, even it it’s of you, you could get kicked off of sports teams, face humiliations, lose educational opportunities, and even face legal consequences. Never take images of yourself that you wouldn’t want everyone – your classmates, teachers, family, and employers – to see. Before sending REMEMBER: you can’t control where this image may travel. What you send to a boyfriend/girlfriend could easily end up with their other friends, who could send it to their friends, who could send it to their friends. If you forward a sexual picture of someone underage, you are just as responsible for the image as the original sender. You could face child pornography charges, go to jail, and be required to register as a sex offender the rest of your life. Report any nude pictures you receive on your cell phone or over the Internet to a trusted adult. Don’t delete the message and images. Instead, get your parents or guardians, teachers, and school counselors involved immediately.

Short Activity Partner up with one other person and write down the three top qualities you look for in a person - it can be a friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend

What should I look for in a relationship? Doesn’t make fun of the things you like or want to do Doesn’t get angry if you spend time with friends or family Listens to your ideas and compromises sometimes Shares some of your interests Isn’t afraid to share their thoughts and feelings Is proud of your accomplishments and successes Respects your boundaries and does not abuse technology Doesn’t require you to “check in” Doesn’t pressure you to do things you don’t want to do Doesn’t threaten or make you feel scared Understands the importance of healthy relationships

Helping a friend Reach out to your friend if you think they are in an abusive relationship Be supportive and patient – listen and acknowledge their feelings Help them understand abuse isn’t normal and it isn’t their fault Connect them to resources If they are in danger, tell a trusted adult or their parent Don’t contact or post anything about the person who is being abusive to them – it only makes it worse If you feel helpless, remember you are doing a lot by being a kind, supportive friend.

Resources for Help Domestic Violence Services of Snohomish county 24 hour hotline- 425.252.2873 WA State Hotline- 800.562.6025 National Hotline- 800.799.7233 National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline- 1.866.331.9474 Break the Cycle: www.breakthecycle.org The Safe Space: www.thesafespace.org That’s Not Cool: www.thatsnotcool.com National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center: www.safeyouth.org

Bill of Rights I have the right: To always be treated with respect. In a respectful relationship, you should be treated as an equal. To be in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is not controlling, manipulative, or jealous. A healthy relationship involves honesty, trust, and communication. To not be hurt physically or emotionally. You should feel safe in your relationship at all times. Abuse is never deserved and is never your fault. Conflicts should be resolved in a peaceful and rational way. To refuse affection at anytime. To have friends and activities apart from my friend, boyfriend or girlfriend. Spending time by yourself, with male or female friends, or with family is normal and healthy. To end a relationship. You should not be harassed, threatened, or made to feel guilty for ending an unhealthy or healthy relationship. You have the right to end a relationship for any reason you choose