TIPS FOR GETTING THE MOST OUT OF THIS PRESENTATION KEEP AN OPEN MIND. GIVE IT AN HONEST TRY, BEFORE YOU DECIDE THAT IT WON’T WORK. USE THE FOLLOWING MOTTO: THE FACT THAT I AM LEARNING NEW PARENTING SKILLS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM A BAD PARENT... IT MEANS THAT I WANT TO BECOME A BETTER PARENT!

BASIC FACTS ABOUT PARENTING “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” --Michael Levine HUMAN BEINGS DO NOT HAVE PARENTAL INSTINCTS. 2. WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT PARENTING, WE LEARNED FROM SOMEWHERE.  3. WE CAN ALWAYS LEARN NEW WAYS, IF WE ARE WILLING TO TRY.

EXERCISE # 1 : Purpose: For better or worse, our parents had a huge impact on our childhoods and our own parenting skills. The following exercise is designed to help you take an honest look at your parents and their parenting: PICK 3 WORDS TO DESCRIBE YOUR MOTHER. Write them down on the following lines...the first 3 words that come into your mind when you think of your mother. Remember, be honest. ________________________   Next, PICK 3 WORDS TO DESCRIBE YOUR FATHER. Write them down on the following lines...the first 3 words that come into your mind when you think of your father. Remember, be honest.

Review of Exercise # 1 Now, take a look at the words you’ve chosen to describe your parents. Some of them may be positive, and some may be not so positive. You can compare your memory with your siblings and other family members to make sure you have an accurate picture of your parents. The purpose is not to blame your parents or make yourself feel guilty. Rather, the goal is to take an objective look at some of the attitudes and behaviors that you learned from your parents. No one is perfect, but taking an honest look at your childhood can help you understand where some of your own parenting behavior comes from. Remember, you can keep the good, and replace the bad with better techniques.

PARENTING STYLES Never raise your hands to your kids PARENTING STYLES Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. --Red Buttons The diagram below uses lines to represent the rules within the family, with the child in the center. The bottom straight line (with arrows) indicates that parenting styles can fall on a continuum between Too Rigid and Too Loose.

EXERCISE # 2- A: F M GM

EXERCISE # 2- B: BF M GF

Review of Exercise # 2

FAMILY ROLES Who's on First? --Abbott & Costello A healthy family is a TEAM. Everyone on the team must contribute in order for the team to win. Each person on the team has a different position on the team, and each position has unique responsibilities. A team only succeeds when each player knows and accepts the responsibilities of his/her individual position. Each family member has a role and a set of responsibilities that are important to the healthy functioning of the family, as a whole. If every member of the family-team understands and accepts his or her responsibilities, then the family will succeed. Everyone should give something to the family, and everyone should get something from being a part of that family.

Exercise # 3- A For each member of your family, write what that family member receives from being a member of your family team. (It could be as simple as food and shelter, or as abstract as love and belonging.)   Mother ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Father Children

Exercise # 3- B For each member of your family, write what that family member gives back to the family. What is his/her contribution to the team?   Mother ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Father Children ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Review of Exercise # 3 ASK YOURSELF:   1. Are some family members giving more than their fair share? If so, who? ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________ 2. Are some family members giving less than their fair share? If so, who? ____________________________________________ 3. Are some family members taking, more than they're giving? If so, who? ____________________________________________ 4. Are some family members getting less than they deserve? 5. Is the current situation in my family fair to everyone? If not, what needs to change?

THE FAMILY CONTRACT If you want to see what your children can do, you must stop giving them things. --Norman Douglas The following areas are covered in the Family Contract:   1. School Expectations: 2. Curfew / Bedtime: 3. Chores: 4. Money: 5. Positive Influences: 6. Negative Influences: 7. Behavior Expectations (DO's): 8. Behavior Expectations (DON'Ts): 9. Family Communication (Family Meetings) 10. Family Meals: 11. Expectations for Parents: 12. Signing the Family Contract:

FAMILY CONTRACT: name_________________ 1. School Expectations - ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ 2. Curfew / Bedtime (school days / non-school days) - 3. Chores - 4. Money - 5. Positive Influences: ________________________________________________________________ 6. Negative Influences: 7. Behavior Expectations (DO's):

FAMILY CONTRACT: name_________________ 8. Behavior Expectations (DON'Ts): ________________________________________________________________ 9. Family Communication (Family Meetings) -  10. Family Meals: 11. Expectations for Parents:   We, the undersigned, do hereby solemnly swear to abide by the conditions set forth in the above Family Contract: ___________________________ __________________________ Parent Youth Parent Other Witness Other ___________________________ Date

Review of Exercise # 4:   1. Are these reasonable expectations for a child of that age? __________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. Did I make the expectations clear and specific enough?    3. Did I include my child in the negotiations of the contract? 4. Did I include other important parental figures in creating the contract?

RIGHTS VS. PRIVILEGES It is not giving children more that spoils them; it is giving them more to avoid confrontation. --John Gray Rights are things that should never be taken away from a human being, no matter what they do.  FOOD / WATER SHELTER / CLOTHING MEDICAL CARE Privileges are special things that can be taken away from us, dependent on our behavior. Quite simply... Everything else is a privilege.

Why Use the Loss of Privileges as Consequences for Your Child’s Behavior? IF YOU CAN CONTROL WHAT YOUR CHILDREN HAVE… AND WHAT THEY DO… YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN.  REMEMBER:  They don't get what they want from you, until after you get what you want from them.

Exercise # 5: Make a list of the privileges that your children enjoy on a regular basis. Focus on the things that are really important to them, but don't forget about the little things, too.   1.______________________________________________________________ 2.______________________________________________________________ 3.______________________________________________________________ 4.______________________________________________________________ 5.______________________________________________________________ 6. ______________________________________________________________ 7. ______________________________________________________________ 8. ______________________________________________________________ 9. ______________________________________________________________ 10. _____________________________________________________________ 11. _____________________________________________________________ 12. _____________________________________________________________ 13. _____________________________________________________________ 14. _____________________________________________________________ 15. _____________________________________________________________ 16. _____________________________________________________________ 17. _____________________________________________________________ 18. _____________________________________________________________ 19. _____________________________________________________________ 20. _____________________________________________________________ 21. _____________________________________________________________

Review of Exercise # 5 1. Am I able to take these privileges away from my children? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. What will my children do if I take away their privileges? 3. How difficult will it be to "not give in"? 4. Who can I count on to help me?

Behavior Chart System - 3 Strikes…You're Out!

Behavior Chart System - 3 Strikes…You're Out!

BEHAVIOR CHART

TROUBLE-SHOOTING & OTHER TIPS Adolescence is a period of rapid changes TROUBLE-SHOOTING & OTHER TIPS Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years. --Anonymous I tried…it didn't (won’t) work.   My child gets more than 3 strikes before the day has hardly begun. My child doesn’t care about getting strikes. My child gets less than 3 strikes per day, but is still driving me crazy. My child has figured out that a 3rd strike in the evening doesn’t cost him much because the day is almost over and each day is a new day. My spouse (ex-spouse, or other family member) won’t help.

Other Tips for the Behavior Chart System To be fair, if you put one child on the chart system, you should put all of your children on it.   Keep the Behavior Charts close at hand. Resist the temptation to “take back” strikes. Avoid “stacking" (giving multiple strikes for the same incident). Tying an allowance to the Behavior Chart can be very effective. Keep track of the positive. Reward the positive.

NATURAL CONSEQUENCES LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES CONSEQUENCES I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, ”Never mind! I'll do it myself." --Erma Bombeck NATURAL CONSEQUENCES What will happen if you do nothing? Natural consequences can be effective, but sometimes too dangerous. Natural Consequences are not always effective…or not soon enough. LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES Consequences that you must create. They logically relate to the problem behavior. They make sense.

Exercise # 7: For the following problem behaviors, write what the Natural Consequences would be (if the parent did nothing), then write possible Logical Consequences that a parent could use.

LOGICAL OR NATURAL CONSEQUENCE?

PARENTING CONCEPTS While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is about. --Angela Schwindt   EVERY INTERACTION THAT YOU HAVE WITH YOUR CHILDREN TEACHES THEM SOMETHING ABOUT LIFE. CHILDREN DO NOT MAGICALLY BECOME RESPONSIBLE ADULTS WHEN THEY TURN 18 YEARS OLD. YOUR JOB AS A PARENT IS TO PREPARE YOUR CHILDREN FOR THE ADULT WORLD. THE EASY WAY IS ALWAYS THE HARD WAY… IN THE LONG RUN. CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES CAREFULLY... THEY’RE NOT ALL WORTH FIGHTING. MAKE SURE YOU WIN THE BATTLES YOU CHOOSE. PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR OWN ACTIONS CAN KEEP THEM FROM LEARNING VALUABLE LESSONS ABOUT LIFE. YOU ARE A ROLE MODEL FOR YOUR CHILDREN.

Exercise # 8- A:

Exercise # 8- B:

Review of Exercise # 8 (A & B) ASK YOURSELF: 1. Am I completely satisfied with my own behavior toward my children? ______________________________________________________________________________ 2. What are the behaviors that I am willing to change, myself? _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Exercise # 8- C:

Exercise # 8- D:

Review of Exercise # 8 (C & D) ASK YOURSELF: 1. Were my children able to recognize and admit any of their own problem behaviors? If so, which ones? ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. What are the problem behaviors that my children see in me? 3. Are they right? If so, am I willing to change? _______________________________________________________