The Jesus Hour As told by the Reverend Ernest Q. Streetpreacher

Damnation and Hellfire await all who ignore the word of God! Yes, the almighty and all- merciful God will strike you down for your sins as surely as I am standing here, so listen or else Satan will get your hands on you! And don’t think he won’t! Yes, that’s right! Satan is here, among you now, trying to corrupt you! You think you’re smart by avoiding him? Well, the Lord hates smart people and I bear living proof of this to you heathen masses, for I am his chosen teacher, here to spend the rest of my life to warn you of the terrible costs of your life of lechery and sin! Don’t look at me like you don’t have one; I see in your eyes you worship Satan. You may not know it, but you do. Oh, you may laugh now, but when the loving God calls you before him, you’ll be trembling in fear because you didn’t listen to my words today and didn’t turn back from your lecherous life of sin. Anyone who ignores me ignores the word of God and it’s written that you’re damned to Hell. It’s in there. How dare you attempt to enrich yourself by any means other than his word? It’s a proven fact that no other books contain any knowledge! Can the TV Guide tell you anything about Moses? Well, it can’t. See, all other books are useless and inferior! Why do you even try? I had the Bible read to me, and I’m smarter than you’ll ever be! God’s word is the truth, and that’s all you ever need, and if you read anything else you’re a heathen scumbag who’s already the tool of Satan, your dark master. You’re only trying to learn because you think you can outsmart God! What chance do you think you have, trying to pit your will against the holy writ? Maybe Satan is telling you something different, but you don’t stand even a chance, unless you devote your life as I have done to standing here with my placards. Anyone who says different is a liar and a fraud and working for the horned beast himself. You’re nothing but pawns of this evil government who does nothing but persecute the decent God-fearing folk of this nation who truly care. This nation is run by Satan and his evil demons who are putting things in your food and water so you won’t pay attention to me even though you’re facing eternal torment! You want to work for Satan? Do you? Well you’re a fool, because when the end times come, next Thursday, I’ll be laughing with the Seraphim when our gracious Lord destroys your soul. How dare you pass me by? All who pass me by are infected with Satan’s germs, and you Pidgeons are trying to control my brain! don’t want that now do you because it hurts real bad when it comes out and then you have to go to the clinic which is filled with evil doctors who don’t worship God and I can tell because they tried to stick me with something and it was red and I said you’re not putting the Devil in me and you’re going to hell and he said I was being silly, but it was just a trick to catch me off guard but I was too smart for him and he ended up chasing me around the room and I said “Devil be gone” and they let me go, so it worked and that’s why you have to listen to me. Seriously, it worked just like that.

The preceding is dedicated to all those who can tell the difference between actual religion and the aforementioned train wreck. Sorry, but when I see street evangelists, this is what I tend to think of.

The End