THE PROGRAM ON INTERGROUP RELATIONS For General Information: igr.umich.edu 7 TH ANNUAL INTERGROUP DIALOGUE NATIONAL INSTITUTE June 19-22, Ann Arbor, MI igr.umich.edu/about/institute LEARNING AS LEADERSHIP For General Information: learnaslead.com TO SPEAK WITH CHARLES: A SUMMARY of this PRESENTATION is at www. intergroupresources.com/ other-innovations

Find my power (l everage) Listen in “learning mode” (h umility and understanding) Draw strength and direction from my highest goals Double check: am I really being my best self?

SOME QUESTIONS FOR SELF REFLECTION PRIOR TO DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS 1. What do I myself do to add to the difficulty of my interactions with the other person? What is my role (even if “small”) in making the situation bad? What behaviors of mine might help trigger the behaviors that I dislike in my friend? What changes in my own behavior am I willing to make in order to improve the relationship, even if the other person seems unwilling to change their own actions? SPECIFICALLY how will I make these changes— what’s my plan?

2. In our conversation, will I commit to being in “dialogue mode”? That is, am I willing for my primary goals to be to LISTEN and UNDERSTAND the other person? Really? Am I sincere about this? Even regardless of who is “right or wrong”? Will I act on these goals, rather than trying to persuade the other, or to convince them that I’m right? If so, this will require “practice” in advance!

Some tips for practicing “dialogue” 1. What do I need to do to make MYSELF feel more safe, and therefore more able to listen? 2. What do I need to do to make my friend feel more safe, and therefore more able to speak? 3. While talking, remember to ask myself repeatedly “Do I understand what my friend is feeling and experiencing? Regardless of whether or not I agree with her, am I better understanding her and her point of view?”

3. It’s hard to do all these things. Remembering my most positive goals and values can give me strength to do these tough things. This helps me draw strength from my meanings in life, rather being motivated merely by my ego. What is my mission in life and at work? How does the difficulty with my friend interfere with my mission? And how might repairing our relationship contribute to achieving my mission?

4. After making plans for the upcoming conversation, double back and recheck your ideas. Given our human tendency to blame, we often develop plans that “look” positive, but are in fact not. For example: They might be subtle ways to blame others. Am I being passive aggressive? Or, they might be ways to avoid conflict, rather than ways to increase honesty. Am I “appeasing”? Am I “over-apologizing”? Or, many, many other possibilities! If I have trouble coming up with a positive plan, it may be that on an unconscious level, I gain some temporary benefits from the conflict. For example, sometimes conflict at work can distract me and give me excuses not to do tasks which I dislike or fear. Or, sometimes conflict can make me feel “morally superior” to my friends and give me ego satisfaction. Etc. Can I uncover any hidden “benefits” that might sabotage me I try to heal my relationship with my friend?

THE PROGRAM ON INTERGROUP RELATIONS For General Information: igr.umich.edu 7 TH ANNUAL INTERGROUP DIALOGUE NATIONAL INSTITUTE June 19-22, Ann Arbor, MI igr.umich.edu/about/institute LEARNING AS LEADERSHIP For General Information: learnaslead.com TO SPEAK WITH CHARLES: A SUMMARY of this PRESENTATION is at www. intergroupresources.com/ other-innovations